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Teen Mom OG Recap: Amber Tours the Country As Gary Reclines

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Well hello my good people of Teen Mom.  So we meet again.  This week is filled with a lot of action packed adventure and hijinx!  I’m kidding. It is, of course, filled mainly with people sitting on oversized puffy leather couches and binge eating while the world’s youngest camera crew films.  Cate and Tyler Perry are busy trying to get their new baby’s room all ready.  Cate can’t do a ton because I believe she’s 6 weeks pregnant even though she looks about 7 months pregnant and Tyler can’t stop judging.  It was nice to see them all excited to start painting the room pink and purple because if it’s one thing we’ve learned over the years about poor people it’s they love brightly colored walls.

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This week ends up being a blessing from the Teen Mom gods because we get a very special few minutes with Tyler’s mom, Kim.  Yep, I forgot her name last week but like a wise and oddly looking Canadian singer once said, “It’s all coming back, coming back to me now.”  Kim has dropped her weight, got herself one of those Ricki Lake-style makeovers, and is looking fresh AF.  Am I too old to say “AF?”  How about “on fleek?  I’m going for it.  Kim is looking on fleek.  I don’t even know if I used that right or technically what it means, but either way…good for her.  I squealed with delight when she was talking with Ty about why he hasn’t signed up for….community college…yet and doesn’t really have a job.  She then looks at the producers and directly into the camera and says, “You need to get a real job, Ty, and no offense MTV but this isn’t it!”  Slow clap for Kim.  Here’s the only issue I have with Kim though.  I love her.  I really do.  I love her in a way that, oh I don’t know, if she was ever in NYC to film a reunion special with Dr. Drew and wanted to split a Demi Moore Cap’N’Crunch chicken salad and Electric Lemonade with me at Planet Hollywood, I wouldn’t say no.  I would say go!  Go…into your purse and help me pay for this sh*t because Planet Hollywood is expensive as hell.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, Kim is the best…but I can’t help but to think she had to have been a little messed up to have been married to Butch and had a few kids with him.  Like, what was that all about?!  I can’t NOT think about that on the regular.  For example, Kim would be rescuing orphans from a burning building all by herself and I’d be like, “Good for her!  But, about that time she was married to Butch…”

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And if there wasn’t someone who loved this baby more than Cate and Tyler, it’s April!  April is clean and sober these days and is still 100% fun.  As much as I give April crap (you know, because of all the rain and junk) she really is trying her best.  I remember when she opened up her own antique store (I mean) and now she’s offering to buy the baby her crib!  How nice is April!?!  Again, I question her sanity due to her marriage to Butch.  Let’s be honest, Butch must have a ding-dong as long as his rat-tail to get all these women to marry him.  Either way, April is nice enough to purchase the crib…even if that means she’ll hot-glue-gun a bureau drawer to a pair of roller skates.

The fun really ends when Tyler starts making Facebook slideshows of baby Carly and posting it to their fan page.  Apparently this fan page has over 400,000 followers so, ahem, if one of you bastards doesn’t post this recap there I’m going to be pissed off.  Catelynn, the Hello Kitty of our generation, is the actual voice of reason with this and is telling Ty that Brandon and Teresa are going to be mad as hornets because they don’t want Carly to be famous.  Oddly they were on the cover of magazines with Carly, but let’s not split hairs on poor people because, really their hair is all they have. Tyler feels like they should be able to post pictures and basically take Carly back if they want to because they gave Brandon and Teresa a baby when they couldn’t have one on their own.  Ouch.  That’s technically hit below Teresa’s belt.  Like, and he’s aiming right at her box.  He’s basically boxing with Teresa.  Catelynn is all like, “We gave up all our rights to Carly so what are you complaining about.  Cut the crap so we can still see this baby twice a year….or, you know, until we have iCarly 2.0 and don’t need the original anymore.”  Something like that.

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Meanwhile back in Lanford, IL Amber and Gary are just living their lives and trying to keep Leah alive.  Amber is getting ready to go on her book tour all across the United States ( or, like those 4 southern states that just found out books were a thing), but she can’t go with a clear mind because Gary is throwing a fit that Leah is falling asleep during school.  He seems to think it’s because when she stays over Amber’s house Amber keeps her up all hours of the night.  Odd that he didn’t once think it’s because her blood sugar levels are most likely crashing due to the Cheetos breakfast he most likely serves her on the regular.  Either way, Leah needs her rest during the day if she’s going to try and climb Mount Gary after school.  Strangely enough that’s the same exact reason why Kristen needs her naps too.  By the way, what the hell could that chick be thinking?  I’d say that Gary is just her meal ticket, but something tells me that there ain’t (ai-not) any extra meal tickets laying around Castle Gary.  Ugh, fat jokes are the worst.  It may be time to retire them.

I have to admit that, so far, Amber is handling herself really well.  When Gary calls her to say that he doesn’t want Leah sleeping over her house anymore during the week because she’s always so tied, Amber gets mad, but she doesn’t scream and curse him out. And her legs aren’t long enough to kick Gary’s ass all the way from Amber’s house.  Honestly, prison helps people!  It’s good that Amber has her producer friend there to talk things through or I’m afraid she’ll explode like a tea pot or any of Gary’s major arteries.  This Just In:  I’m back to fat jokes.  They’re just easier than thinking of really funny non-fat jokes.  You know what I’m saying?  By the way, let’s go on record and say that Amber dedicating her book to her “cousin Krystal” was officially the best thing that ever happened to Krystal’s life.  You know, minus the meth.

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Amber is on her book tour and IN a giant tour bus that not only has her picture on the side of it, but Kail’s from Teen Mom 2’s picture as well.  The only thing missing, of course, was Barb driving the bus and Janet booty-clapping on the stripper pole in the middle.  Eh, next tour.   Gary is back home and chatting with Leah and Kristen at the kitchen table (or “alter” as I’m sure Gary refers to it when the cameras are down).  Leah is pissed that she’s filming scenes with Kristen because she says if Amber sees it she’s going to be mad.  That Leah is legit a genius.  Also in the genius category is when Gary tells them that he’s going upstairs to…wait for it…sit on his new recliner he just bought and relax and watch TV.  Ba da ba ba ba I’m lovin’ it.  I was overly disappointed when MTV did NOT show this recliner and I ended up wasting 13 minutes Googling “Gary’s new recliner.”  I don’t blame Gary for wanting to relax for a spell.  Standing is tough.

Amber’s book tour went really well.  There was even a little cameo with Dr. Drew.  It was nice to see him asking about how Leah was doing without any help from cue cards or a teleprompter. I sometimes see Dr. Drew walking around the streets of NYC and I always want to ask him if I can come to a taping of the reunion….and by “ask him if I can come to a taping of the reunion” I really mean say “cut the sh*t.”  Amber seems pretty well adjusted even though, according to her, she gets anxious when there’s people around and she doesn’t like to talk to them.  So there’s that.  Truth be told I’m looking forward to two things in the coming weeks: (1) Who the hell Amber’s new old-man boyfriend is and (2) When the hell Farrah is coming back?!

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Oh, and Maci was on the show again this week.  She’s trying on bridesmaids dresses with her giant shoulder tattoo so, you know, that looks like a disaster.   And she’s, per usual, fighting with Ryan about not being a dipsh*t in his daily life.  No joke, that kid is a mess.  Even if he was like that in real life, wouldn’t he pretend not to be a yawning dirt monster in front of the cameras?  Also, does Ryan’s father just sit on a folding chair in front of the garage and drink beers on the regular or no?  I mean, I’m fine either way I just wanted to know.

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