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Teen Mom OG Recap: Presenting 6″ Eyelash Portwood

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I missed the live Tweeting of Teen Mom last night since I was flying the friendly skies and getting back from a much needed vacation. But if it’s one thing I do know (besides Spanish now) it’s that nothing brings the country back together quite like the new season on Teen Mom OG (which stands, I’m assuming for ‘Overweight Gary’).  I jest.  He is, of course, slim pickins.

Here’s what I’m ba da ba ba ba lovin’ about the first episode already.  It’s like these Teen Moms have money now, but still kinda live in squalor.  Tyler and Catelynn are basically living in the back room of a soup kitchen but have a great porch to sit on…and where April most likely sleeps at night when she’s rocking one too many Twisted Teas.  It actually was great to see April.  As soon as she was on screen I blurted out, “I love ya, kid!” and then I immediately got into an abusive relationship.  Everyone is so psyched because Tyler (the Eminem of our generation) and Catelynn are pregnant with Carly 2.0.  We even get to witness Cate drop it like it’s hot on a pregnancy stick and then basically lick her meth fingers.  Gross. I’m not so sure the pregnancy stick said “yes” as much as it said, “go ask for Carly back.”  It was a long stick with a giant screen that could fit all those words.  All kidding aside if I were them I’d totally call up Brandon and Teresa and be like, “JK with the adoption…givsees backsies.”  You know when they were giving up that baby they were thinking they’d never have enough money to keep her….but they were wrong.  I’m pretty sure they’re like the mayor of their small town.  You know who wasn’t overly psyched about the new baby?  Tyler’s mom.  She was all…”you guys are friggin dummies.”  Moreover, where the hell is Butch!  He best be making a guest appearance.

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I was also pumped to see Amber!  Look, I’m glad she’s sober now and blah, but I feel like she’s not going to be as fun if she’s not beating the absolute bag out of Gary and kicking his ass and 24″ inch 1989 television down the stairs.  #NeverForget.  Speaking of inches, did anyone notice on Gary’s phone when Amber called him she came up as “6” Eyelash Portwood”  I definitely gave Gary a slow clap for that one. I also gave him all the low-cal recipes I could find online.

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I was even excited to see Amber’s cousin, Krystal Meth, show up again.  She was crying because she never once called or visited Amber in the “gel” but Amber was ok with that since she was pregnant and getting a divorce. What the order was on that…no one knows…including modern day scientists.  These people are about 10 years younger than me but have a tub filled with kids and a few divorces under their belts.  PLUS they’re on TV.  Basically they’re doing better than me.  Oh and you know who seems pretty well adjusted?  Leah.  Can you imagine that?  How she isn’t crazy train and obese is legit a miracle.  Unless you give gastric bypass to a toddler?  Can you?  Either way, I’m starting up a Kickstarter.

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We do get little glimpses into the old Amber when she, Krystal Meth, and her mom go out for a day at the spa.  I was surprised this “spa” wasn’t just a kiddie pool, hose and Mr. Bubbles.  We got money, y’all!  Anyjunk, Amber’s mom wants to give shaken baby syndrome to Amber when she tries to bring up that Gary has changed and is “acting like the old Gary.”  I mean, the only old Gary I want to see is the one from 16 & Pregnant who was down to about 250 pounds.  Either way, her mom isn’t having it and Amber starts yelling that this was supposed to be a nice day because she’s no longer in jail.  Dream big!  I did like when her mom told the producer that Krystal Meth only comes around when the cameras are there.  I don’t blame her…I’d do the same.  Who wants to visit someone in jail anyway? … Unless we’re talking about Teresa Guidice, in which I’m renting a bus for that so we can all go.

And then there’s Macy and crew.  I feel like I’m not impressed.  Everyone seems well adjusted.  Bint-Lee is having fits left and right, but that might just because his mom still thinks Avril Lavigne is relevant.  I go through the same things. Overall I’m kind of liking the show and am into the idea that including the camera people, producers and actually referencing the fact that they’re filming a show will really save things.  I believe I wrote  MTV a letter explaining they needed to do this on The Hills to refreshen things up so, you’re welcome America because I’m pretty sure this whole thing was my idea.

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Ok kids – I need to get back to sleep and re-coop from this vacation.  I’m thinking of Live Tweeting this junk next week so join me on Twitter to take part!

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