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Teen Mom OG Recap: The Gang Takes a Puerto Rican Vacation Together. Ok.

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I tell ya, MTV just keeps making my life better and better.  Do you know how much easier it is to recap an episode where everyone is basically in the same scenes?  I mean, minus Farrah as the rest of the gang is still pretending she’s with Jesus.  Anyway, it’s Cate’s birthday and she and Tyler want to live the lives of Real Housewives and call up all the girls (again, minus Farrah) and invite them on a trip to Puerto Rico.  Everyone immediately says ‘yes’ that they’re pretty much available to go away in 5 minutes and they quickly pack and ship off.  Well first Cate and Ty have to give Butch detailed instructions on how to care for iCarly 2.0 because apparently they feel like he’ll do a good job and not try to snort her or sell her on CraigsList to an anonymous Brandon and Theresa.  I liked how Cate had to write (jn almost pencil bubble letters) to warm up her cup and you totally know Butch was thinking about those drugs he did where he had to warm up that metal spoon.  I never understood that one. Either way, click here to follow me on Instagram.

Everyone heads out to Puerto Rico and, well, if you’ve ever been to PR, this is kinda not what it looks like.  First off that hotel literally looked like squalor.  There was nothing really tropical and at one point they basically were grilling sausages in a gazebo in the middle of the woods.  More on this later.  Here’s the thing I was surprised by.  No one was really wearing normal bathing suits.  Everyone was in shorts/shirts type situations and white as ghosts. I am, of course, waiting for the “next day” scenes where everyone has sun poisoning but, like, just as a sheet on one side of their body.  Sadly it looks cloudy so who knows how that will turn out.

The whole gang decides they should go to supermarket or “el market” as they say in PR because you totally know they don’t have “going out to dinner” in their vacation budget.  You also know where they’re staying “dinner on the beach” probably consists of wrestling a tiny little monkey for the one banana that was left behind.  Here’s the thing I was really surprised by…how everyone was stocking up on a ton of beer.  Like, a ton.  Including Amber and Sully.  Are they “da addicts?”  I know it was mainly drugs and, you know, being addicted to having kids by 7 different women (allegedly), but is crushing beer all day and all night really the best way to stay away from the drugs?  I feel like somewhere in a tree in Malibu Dr. Drew is judging right now.  You know who else I think is judging right now?  Judy.

I have to admit I’m liking the gang hanging out together without their kids and just having fun.  Bravo (almost literally) to MTV for cooking up this plan.  More of this please, in the future.  And just as I suspected everyone is burnt within an inch of their lives.  I think Sully is the worst (in so many ways).  His shoulder is literally as red as Maci’s hair and he’s just basically a sheet of front and back burn, but not side burn.  Plus, there’s one section of his arm that’s kinda like a white streak that almost looks like a bird pooped on him and then it ran and he never wiped it up.  So there’s that.

And you know who seems to be loving the sauce more than anyone?  Catelynn.  I say good for her.  Her forehead is crisp and she always has a wine glass in her hand.  What a way to live! But outside of drinking there’s also activities to be had.  The gang tries paddle-boarding and kayaking.  In other news, did you know it took me 5 tries to spell “kayaking” correctly?  Yep, apparently there aren’t 3 “c’s” in there.  Anywhere.  Believe me, I tried.  Outside of the fun water sports, everyone talks about typical vacation things like postpartum depression, giving away their children, and taking care of their father until the day he died.  I know, you’ve all been there on your vacations too.  I actually felt bad for Amber because she had to leave the convo to go cry because she was really upset about her dad passing away.

Later the talk gets real when the girls are talking about allegedly Ryan allegedly having an alleged drug problem, allegedly.  Also, allegedly.  Maci thinks she’s the only one who will help Ryan get treatment because “everyone else” in his life thinks it’ll look too bad if he goes to rehab, etc.  It’s actually nice of Maci and I didn’t realize she stays up at night crying to her husband wondering if “today is the day that Ryan is going to die.”  That’s deep stuff.  I also didn’t realize any of this because I typically fast-forward past Maci’s scenes.  This was a great way for MTV to trick me into watching.  Good on them.

In the end, they all surprise Cate with a birthday party at what I can only assume is the world’s worst hotel restaurant.  There were, like, cartoon people drawings on the wall. Oh and I had my first really Teen Mom laugh when Sully told the table a story about how the night before when they passed out in bed Amber basically asked him why they weren’t having sex (I cleaned up the story for this here blog since I assume the church reads this) and Amber looked towards the camera in shock and just goes, “Matt!  This is Teen Mom OG!”  Good times all around.  Everyone had a great time and I finally figured out that this was probably the only resort in PR that would comp them all rooms if they filmed there.  Who’s with me?

Whoa I totally forgot about Farrah.  Well, really quickly, Farrah had a big speaking engagement at SXSW, which I was kind of bummed about because I was at SXSW that year and never ran into her or, more importantly, Paola.  Such a missed opportunity.  She didn’t speak at any of the convention centers, hotels, or conference rooms.  Nope, she spoke inside a house that still had a step-and-repeat all whilst around 10 people looked on.  There was a microphone involved for reasons that are still not clear to me.  Oh, and some girl went up to her after and tried to set her up on a date because she writes a dating column.  It was all awkward.  Luckily Michael was back at FroCo to run the ship even though Farrah had to sass him the whole time all whilst avoiding all of Simon’s calls.  I kinda need a new storyline for Farrah.  And I hate to say that, but I’m losing interest.  I feel like she’s just gunning for a dating show spin-off and, well, I hate those.  Perhaps more porn.