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Teen Mom OG Reunion Part One: Amber Gets Off the Couch

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Just once I want the Teen Mom reunion to be like a Real Housewives reunion.  And by that I mean I want to see Dr. Drew in a prom gown.  I jest.  We all know that Dr Drew’s body rejects any outfit that isn’t a t-shirt and a blazer.  He’s basically a lesbian comedienne from the late 80’s.  You know the ones.  Either way, it’s great to see all the Teen Mom’s on one stage in basically stadium seating for reasons that don’t make sense to me.  And don’t you think for one second that having Farrah sit next to Ryan wasn’t done on purpose.  Speaking of Ryan, do you think he knew he was there filming a reunion/on planet earth?  He was one yawn away from being technically declared “in an active coma.”

The first few minutes of the reunion are always as awkward as you image them to be.  You’d think after 15 seasons of doing this they’d all be more comfortable, but they’re not.  And why doesn’t anyone get dressed up for this?  They’re on television for cripes sakes.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Caitlyn got her “blouse” from DOTS, but still.  And how awkward was her impression of an old woman talking to her great-grand-kids about being on MTV.  Everyone looked like they caught secondhand embarrassment…and she wouldn’t stop.  Everyone just kept smiling and scratching the back of their head while she was doing it, which we all know is the international sign of “oh God stop it, stop it now!”
I always forget that they break these reunion into 2 episodes and that means they only catch up with two of the Teen Mom’s at a time.  And they started with Maci.  My eyes began to fill up and I did shout out a couple of “Why God? Why’s!””  Let me save all you guys about 25 minutes.  Maci sits there like a dump, speaks in monotone and tries to pretend it’s not odd that she’s been pregnant twice without being married and still tours the country and visits sub-par colleges telling other kids not to get pregnant.  Apparently even Dr. Drew thinks it’s odd that she’s knocked-to-the-up too so he asks her about it.  I guess Maci had some issue where she couldn’t produce enough eggs anymore and the Dr said to start banging like there’s no tomorrow and see what happens.
I was kidding about that, but Maci did decide to stop her birth control and she and her boyfriend would just see what happens.  To no surprise she got pregnant.  Odd how that happens.  Maci was like, “We was just doin’ it in the ear, y’all!”  Later they bring Ryan out to see if they can get a domestic violence situation to spark up, but both Maci and Ryan sit there like they’re 3 breaths away from meeting Jesus.  Per usual they talk about how they both need to work on their communication with each other and then they both shares their favorite recipes for blueberry-banana french toast with bacon maple syrup. I have no clue.  I start to fall asleep.  For real.  When I woke up I think I saw Dr. Drew trying to pry the baby out from Maci’s gentleman greeter all whilst Farrah was dressed like a slutty nurse.  P.S., this is the most I’ve written about Maci in 4 years.  Yawn-to-the-awn.
Let’s just move on to Amber now.  I’m half excited, but am really gunning for April next week and a fist fight between Farrah and Debra!  Oh MTV you got me again!  Anytrash, Amber is already looking all pissed off within the first few minutes of Dr. Drew asking about her sobriety.  I thought maybe she was angry because that strange red/pink/purple color that’s in her hair is starting to get absorbed into her head, y’all!  Dr. Drew starts complimenting her on how wonderful she did in prison and even began some sober coach whilst there.  Amber beams with pride until he asks her what old sober coach Amber would say to current Amber about drinking and being in a relationship within the first year of sobriety.  I guess both of those things are no-no’s and Amber is getting pissed at the line of questioning.  Dr. Drew loves this.  He’s like a weeble with a mission.
Later Gary comes out on stage.  I assume they used a two-wheeler to get him there like he was Hannibal.  We learn some interesting things about Gary this time around, like he’s currently down to just 1,200 calories a day and has taken up jazzercise.  I, of course, am kidding.  We learn that his girlfriend/baby mama 2.0 was married when she first met Gary and cheated on her husband with him and that’s why they’re getting a divorce.  I just want that to sink in for everyone for a minute or two.  I’ll wait.  Ok, so for all those who are single out there, just think….someone who was married cheated on their husband with Mount Gary Shirley.  What in the holy hell could that guy have looked like when Gary is the upgrade for you?  I mean, unless her husband was just technically 3 mattresses duct-taped together and sporting a couple of Triple Fat Goose jackets stapled together?  Let’s just all assume that so we can sleep well tonight.
Later Gary talks about not wanting to give Amber more visitation rights because he’s afraid that she’s going f’ing bananas again and try to throw televisions and quite possibly Leah down the stairs whilst in a rage. So, you know, like your typical Sunday.  Amber begins to cry and says that she already has a lawyer and will go to court then.  Save this for next season, please!  I can’t take another season of just laying down on the couch or looking out the window.  I think a court house will be a nice change of scenery for all of us!
To completely change things up, they bring out Amber’s brother, Bubby, to chat for a spell about what he thinks of Amber’s fiancee, Sully.  It’s not that he doesn’t like him it’s just that he thinks it’s creepy as hell and totally F’d up.  He’s also got a case of the sads that since she’s been with Sully she “don’t talk with the family no more.”  Ouch, my ears!  They then bring out Sully, who’s wearing a fall jacket for some reason, and then just shame him for being a creep.  I think we’re all ok with that.
Here’s the thing, as much as Dr. Drew is trying to push some buttons and make this show watchable, I agree with him.  Sully is an addict, but then drinks, gets violent and punches the wall, doesn’t talk to his counselor and hasn’t seen his kids.  Oh, and he barely has a job.  I’d say it’s about time to get all that in check.  And, sadly, Amber thinks all of this is fine because they’re not “beating on each other.”  I mean, when this is how you’re weighing a healthy relationship…yikes.  I’m not saying he’s a bad person or a creep, but the fact that he admits to stalking her on Twitter and then moving in 13 hours after they meet for the first time is, uh, creepy!  He’s like a pedophile who miscalculated Amber’s age!
At this point Amber has had enough and decides to walk of stage all while spouting out, “I’m done, dude, I’m done.”  I’m sorry is Audrina there?  Bubby takes her cue and he also decides to leave and then, without skipping a beat, Sully just moves to the other end of the couch to be closer to Dr. Drew.  This is so telling, right?  He’s just like, “Finally the spotlight is on me!” Once again, I use the word “creepy.”  He doesn’t even go after Amber he just keeps talking to Drew about himself.  Awkward.
Meanwhile, Amber is like a mouse in a maze trying to find her way off the set and into freedom.  She’s like, where’s the door!?  Finally Bubby, Dr. Drew and Sully catch up with her (3 days later) and convince her to come back to the set so they can finish this interview.  Truth be told, I think Amber did the right thing to walk away because she said she needed to calm down.  I also think, at the same time, she’s running from knowing the truth that this situation is F’d up, but she just doesn’t want to be alone and also because of daddy issues that are clear to anyone who has the miracle of sight and hearing.  The good news is that Amber says they’re going to be engaged for at least a year before they get married and that they’re going to sign up pre-nup.  Legit Bubby was smiling ear to ear when he heard that. Isn’t he a lawyer?  Isn’t that crazy?  Is his name even Bubby or did I make that up?
Tune in next week when Dr. Drew most likely gets yelled at by Farrah and Butch Skypes in via satellite.  I WISH!