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Teen Mom Recap: Amber Meets Prince Charming at “Wally.”

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Amber – It’s shocking to me that Gary isn’t at Amber’s House of Horror yet and they haven’t smoothed things over as they typically do after their major blowouts.  Therefore Gary is staying at is brothers apartment.  Why do “the poors” always call it an apartment when clearly it is Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure?  Also, Gary is telling tall tales again because he’s informing his brother that in just one week he’s lost his girl, lost his home, and…wait for it…wait for it….lost 30 pounds.  Really Gar?  30?  Lofty.  Even his brother giggles like a school girl who was just passed an origami note in 5th period math.  It’s like, Gary you may have lost about 3 pounds but that’s mainly because you removed the emergency ring-dings from your pockets and the Oreos you inserted into your penny loafers instead of coins.  Just a guess…an educated-more-than-likely-guess.  Moving on.  I love how Amber’s cousin is named Krystal, just like Roseanne’s friend was named Crystal.  Looks like my Vision Board is basically sprouting to life (just like Gary’s “almost there” D-cup).  Amber lets Krystal know that she has a date with someone that she met at (no surprise) Walmart.  Yes, Walmart.  I think everyone should find their life-mate at a place where you can buy eggs, a rake, a back-up generator, shirts, a lamp, X-box, and your Christmas tree.  Makes sense.  Speaking of Amber because, well, this is her recap section, we also learn that she hasn’t seen Leah is 4-days.  4 days? If she hasn’t been responsible for Leah or Gary in 4 days why is her house still a rotten mess?  Perhaps she’s getting her application video ready for Hoarders?  After Amber speaks with Gary over the phone and apologizes like she has been court-ordered without any emotion, Gary comes back over to the house with Leah.  Lucky for us Gar Gar is wearing his uniform which is, of course, his Aeropostale t-shirt and white plaid short (which are more than likely just pants that he’s outgrown).  Amber breaks up with Gary right then and there and lets him know that she met someone at, and I quote, “Wally.”  Apparently “Wally” is WT-speak for Walmart.  Dear God what am I watching?!  Later Gary is back at his brothers laying down, as best he can, on one couch and playing the guitar while is lady caller, who I can only assume is Marla Hooch from the Rockford Peaches, sits on the couch and may be trying to (puke) make a move (burp) on “Down 30 Pounds Gary” or “D3PG” for short.  Later, Gary ends up going to a “flower shop” to buy Amber some well deserved flowers.  The flower shop has cinderblocks for walls (just like Gar’s brothers “apartment”) and the lady behind the counter asks him what kind of flowers he’s looking for and then she suggests “great big flowers.”  Um, yes. I would please like to order 1 dozen “great big flowers.”  As he’s in the middle of purchasing from this crack house, Amber calls him to see if he can watch Leah so that Amber can go out and “sexy dance” with her new boyfriend in aisle 17 at Walmart.  Don’t fret, however, because she does make sure to yell, swear, and scream at Gary over the phone as well.  Actually, maybe the 30 pounds that Gary lost was in his balls?  The poor guy.  He cries the whole way over to Amber’s house to pick up Leah.  I’d cry if Amber punched off my balls too.  Now it’s time for Amber’s date with Chris.  Buckle up, kids, because it ain’t (ai-not) pretty.  She has to pick him up and wait for him while he gets changed next to the side of a building.  They end up going for dinner at a place named “Three Pigs.”  Yum.  I hope dinner comes with a tetanus shot for dessert.  Here we learn that Chris served some time in some form of jail and that the best day of his life was the day when he saw Amber walking out of Walmart.  They end their date with disgusting and embarrassing Eskimo kisses at the table.  Also, there is no doubt in my mind that he will kill both Amber and Leah and use Leah as a stuffed-animal drug mule on international flights.  Ole!  Later funeral flowers show up at Amber’s house and are delivered by two kids who are about 9-years old.  Seriously, what kind of flower shop is this?!  Oh, they’re the kind that spells “recently’ wrong on the message card.  I believe they spelled it “reacently.”  Yowza with this.  In the end, Gary heads back over to Amber’s to apologize to her yet again (which I still don’t understand why) and wants to end his apology with a hug to which Amber replies, “Don’t touch me, Gary.”  As Gary starts to get up, heart-broken, Amber tells him that she’s dating.  She’s such a miserable B.  Gary literally (tries) to run out of the house and Leah is left crying at the door.  This is the most depressing episode of Teen Mom ever.

Maci – It’s vacation time for Maci and so, lucky for us, her hot friend Taylor is at the pool with Bint-Lee, Kyle, and Maci.  Seriously she should be a regular cast member on this show.  Also, she should show Kyle what a vag looks like that hasn’t been under attack yet by a newborn.  No?  Just me?  Moving on.  Bint-Lee is getting potty-trained on national television.  I’m sure he’ll be thankful for that in about 15 years.  Why do I have a feeling that Maci places a picture of Ryan at the bottom of the toilet so that Bint-Lee can practice his aim?  Also, does Maci change her hair color in every single episode?  This time around I believe the color is “Lohan Firecrotch Burn Red.”  We also learn that Kyle works a lot and that Maci is very lonely in Nashvegas without her family and friends.  Yawn.  Maci has hardly any screen-time in this episode.  She better get trashy and get trashy fast if she wants to make it to Teen Mom Season 3.  Later, Maci drives to “Chat” to drop Bint-Lee off with Ryan and she heads back to “Nash” so she can spend time with Kyle and figure out his percentage of albino, his percentage of deceased bulldog, and his percentage of cartoon, but Kyle tells Maci that he’s really tired and there isn’t anything he can do for her.  She wonders if she made a mistake moving to Nashville.  Uh, ya think?!  Now if we can just get our hands on an old home video VHS of Ryan stepping in to take Maci to the prom when Chip is late, only to discover that Chip makes it on time to take her and Ryan is left standing on the stairs in his dad’s tuxedo with flowers in his hand, devastated, then maybe my whole Maci/Ryan/Ross/Rachel scenario can come true.  Just me?  Next.  In the end Kyle finally ends up coming over to Maci’s empty house and they basically end up breaking up because Kyle thinks that all this was too much too soon.  Time to look into breaking your lease, Maci.  So pack up Bint-Lee and maybe if Ryan isn’t too busy yawning you two can get back together.  Maci’s friends end up coming over to comfort her and Maci admits how lonely her life is.  It’s sad, really.  This is the most depressing episode of Teen Mom ever.

Farrah – We kick things off with Farrah getting her DNA results and, like Maury would say, “Derrick, you are the father.”  This is a big day for Teen Mom since Farrah ends up giving a big hug to the DNA worker (yet she can’t even hug Debra) and then seconds later Farrah’s lawyer, John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt, is sporting a button-down shirt instead of a t-shirt.  I mean, sure it’s short-sleeves like Detective Sipowitz would wear, but still.  Also, how come Farrah’s results of the DNA were 99.6% and not 100%?  Does the .04% mean that some fell out of her nasty boom boom or maybe he gave her a facial?  Test her face, no?  I bet that’s where you’ll fine the .04% that’s missing.  I also have no idea how this works or what the hell I’m talking about for that matter.  Farrah ends up meeting up with Kassy, which ends up being such a downer because all they do is cry, but on the flip side Farrah is showing Kassy her “ugly cry” so that’s always a plus.  Later, she tells Debra about the results of the DNA test.  Why doesn’t Debra ever wear makeup?  It’s like, we saw your Who-ville mug shot, Debo, put on some lipstick and maybe some product for your hair.  At least try to look pretty for me…your #1 fan!  Debra tells Farrah that she (Farrah) is too busy to meet up with Kassy once per month.  I’m sure if her words didn’t convince Farrah those shiny butcher knives conveniently placed on the kitchen counter in the background may do a little convincing.  The “next day” Farrah and Debra head back to therapy and Debra informs the therapist and all of America that when Farrah found out she was pregnant she wanted to have and abortion, but Debra convinced her (i.e knives) otherwise.  She could have just used the trash-claw on her instead of the actual abortion, no?  Gross and “yes” all at the same time.  They talk about Farrah still grieving for Sophia’s dad and the therapist informs Debra that she’s trying to talk Farrah out of grieving.  Debra says that she now understand why Farrah is so upset and Farrah just sits there doing her “ugly cry” while Debra looks the other way.  It’s like, get up and go hug your daughter you damn robot!  In the end, Farrah takes Sophia on a little boat cruise around a lake just like she took with Sophia’s dad in the past.  She wanted Sophia to experience that too.  Seriously, this is the most depressing episode of Teen Mom ever.

Catelynn – Seriously the adoption chick, Dawn, get more air-time on Teen Mom than Maci does and also she calls Catelynn more than April does.  She surprises them that Carly’s parents want to meet up with both Catelynn and Tyler.  They actually want to take them away to…West Virginia.  They made it seem like West Virginia was the Virgin Islands and they just won it on the Showcase Showdown (which April and Butch totally should try to get on, by the way).  I’m happy for them though.  However, more importantly, how are Catelynn and Tyler deciding to dress these days? Where are they getting these ideas from?  My idea is Spencer Pratt and Punky Brewster.  Later Catelynn calls up April on the phone and (gulp) April is completely pissed off that she’s talking to her about Carly on the phone and not in person.  Next up, April comes barreling up the dirt-road driveway (no joke) in her BMW (please) like she’s friggin’ on Dukes of Hazard, throws it in park, comes into the house looking like a ferel cat suffering from Fibromyalgia, and just say “f*ck” as she walks past Catelynn in the kitchen.  She’s such a ray of sunshine.  April gets right on the computer so she can probably check her AOL account to see if anyone from her Meth4Men chatroom sent her an email.  Catelynn lets April know that she’s nervous about seeing Carly because she doesn’t think Carly will remember her, to which April replies “Of course she ain’t gonna remember you. She hasn’t seen you in over a year.”  What a big B.  April must have been brought up living in a cardboard box under the basement stairs.  I mean, for Harry Potter it works and brings happiness and magic to his life, but for April is brings gas and attitude.  Gas and attitude happens to be the new piss and vinegar, as I understand it.  Catelynn ends up crying in her car.  Seriously, this poor girl.  It’s like she doesn’t have a fighting chance.  Why can’t Oprah adopt her?  That’s it, I’m starting up a fund for Catelynn.  Hang in there, kid.  Also, is now the wrong time for me to ask if she can just get her braces off?  It isn’t the wrong time?  Oh, great thanks!  While I’m at it, I might as well ask her to consider sprouting bangs.  It will help.  The “next day” April brings Catelynn an outfit that she bought Carly (meth binge purchase) and they start having a good conversation about their relationship.  Here we learn that April is pissed because she was never told that Catelynn was going to give up the baby for adoption and April already told everyone and started buying the baby things so she felt stupid.  More importantly, we learn that if Catelynn kept the baby she was going to name her after April.  She was going to name the baby “Bitch?”  That’s strange.  They then end up fighting, per usual, and April says some really hurtful things to Catelynn.  How Catelynn stays so level-headed and calm during these situations is beyond me.  April storms out of the room and the last thing she says to her is, “Have fun on your f*cking trip” and then slams the door.  Catelynn is left to have to leave her room and apologize to her mom (for no reason) and tell her that she loves her and won’t give up on their relationship.  What a sin.  This is the most depressing episode of Teen Mom ever.  Join Me on Facebook!