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Teen Mom Recap: Butch’s Extreme Hair Makeover

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“White trash bus driver…Move That BUS!!!”

Catelynn – As much as this show is about teenage mothers (?) let’s all just admit it’s really about Butch and company.  We’re just two or three episodes into the new season and MTV has finally gotten it right and made sure to focus on Butch as much as possible.  This time around it’s all about (at least in my mind) Butch cutting his 4 year old prison hairdo.  Of course I shouted, “NO!” at my television repeatedly until my neighbors came running to my apartment door to see if I was ok.  I jest.  I’ve never seen one neighbor on my floor in 5 years and I’m pretty sure they’re all sleeper cells anyway.  Regardless, I didn’t really want Butch cutting that “Diana Ross without highlights” hair ever.  It was so big and bushy that I’m pretty sure if we looked it up in our history books we’d realize that Butch was actually one of our founding fathers.  Shecky Washington, I believe, who’s currently on the $3 bill.  Again, if you look it up it’ll prove I’m right.  Go ahead.

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So Butch heads to, what I can only assume is a lower class SuperCuts (a real hidden gem) and the tooth-impaired woman cutting his hair chops it all off and then starts to talk about if he ever had it colored before.  I was like, “Uh, racist” but then realized she meant “dyed.”  Per usual, I don’t want to oversell this but the dye-job was one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen in my life.  First off, he exits the “salon” with, literally, Regis’ hair (and especially the one time it was randomly dyed a reddish-brown for reasons that only Kathie Lee would know) and when he goes to hug Tyler we see that parts of the back of his hair aren’t dyed at all.  Bravo.  Had he been on seasons 1-6 of America’s Next Top Model, this would be the part where Butch starts crying until Tyra confronts him for not being ok with being scalped on national television (and for not smizing and the like).

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The rest of Catelynn’s scenes (is she still even on this show anymore?) are about he big plans for the bachelorette and bachelor parties.  Ty Ty and Hello Kitty are doing two different parties.  Cate will probably curl her bangs and drink Zima out of a Dora the Explorer crazy straw and start crying about iCarly 1.0 and Tyler is going to go to a strip club in Detroit with Butch.  In other words, it’s just a typical Saturday for these two.  Catelynn is terrified of Tyler going to a strip club because she doesn’t want to see a stripper all over “her man.”  Uh, either do we.  Her fears aren’t eased when Tyler’s sister (who’s turing into a spitting image of Kim!) decides to let the cat out of the bag on camera that she used to work at a strip club in Detroit and that some of the low class strippers will touch Tyler and be all over him.  Cate looks like she’s ready to puke.  I’m busy trying to figure out what Ty’s sister’s stripper name would be.  I’m guessing “Walmart.”

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Know what else is crazy?  The fact that Butch is in recovery from drugs and booze and, legally, can’t drink a drop for the next 2 years or he’ll go back to prison immediately, yet Ty thinks it makes sense to take his dad onto the party bus and into a nasty Detroit strip club.  It’s like taking someone to northern Canada and telling them they can’t club baby seals. I mean, it just won’t happen.  I have no clue.  Luckily Butch has a great time at “da club” and even asks one of the blurred out strippers for oral.  I’m not kidding, I’m 99% sure he asked for that and then the stripper, literally, spit out her drink all over him.  So, syphilis for everyone apparently!  Ole!

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Meanwhile over at Cate’s bachelorette party, I was right, because she’s curling her bangs and getting drunk.  But the best ever is that April is there and so is Kim!  Now I’m not sure who’s on the wagon and who’s off, as I’m not a doctor (anymore) but watching these two in action is the best way I’ve spent my Monday night in quite a long time.  Poor April (literally) looks 250 years old and I feel bad.  But my sadness for her turned around when I saw her dance a little jig and then pose on the stripper pole later that night. You know, just like your mom typically does.  In other news, you know you’re relationship is just fine when the stripper who decided to sign the waver and have her face shown on television tells you that you’re a great couple.  Here’s to Cate and Ty!

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Farrah – Oh how our littlest Glowworm has grown.  I have to say, I can’t believe that Farrah is even a real person anymore.  I’m almost certain she’s Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder.  Who’s with me?  I’m old.  The hell with you then.  Farrah is very busy with all of her various businesses that people keep giving her and she and Baby Goop are working together on some mother/daughter beauty line.  Or maybe that we Farrah and Debra?  Who can keep up?  All I do know is that when Farrah heads out to Nevada with Debra so they can see her new line of something and take pictures in her underwear and sporting sideboob all whilst kissing a cupcake on her shoulder (for real) Debra is sitting there with a face full of Botox and a side-braid that still confuses me even this very next day.

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Farrah is still upset, in general, about “all the negativity” people have about her because she’s “on Teen Mom.”  I’m sorry, what now?  Apparently no one is allowed to talk about the sex tape anymore, including Debra and the producers.  Farrah keeps saying that people treat her different because she’s on Teen Mom and that it’s embarrassing to be associated with the show.  Sure.  That makes sense.  Odd that she’s not embarrassed about being in a porn called “Backdoor Teen Mom” but who am I to judge.

You know what else is not really making sense these days?  The actual words coming out of her mouth.  I’m not talking lies.  I’m talking about the actual words.  She kind of just strings words together and then stops talking and we’re all like, “Come again, now?”  Which is ironic as that is also the same sentence that the director shouted at Farrah during the filming of “Backdoor Teen Mom.”  Hey-oh!  But seriously, what is she even saying?  At one point (before she gives us that classic ugly cry) she legit goes, “And then people negativity because I’m doing so well and haters daddy Derrick.”  And then, like, that’s it.  I actually called 911 and reported her having a stroke. I was like I know this isn’t in realtime, but someone send an ambulance.

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Later, Farrah’s business partner who may or not be in the business of giving handies in the parking lot of a Big Lots (Christmas doesn’t happen with out me!) for money, ends up inviting her to a White Party in the Hamptons. She and Debra are all about that and I’m left wondering why it’s 2015/2016 and people are still having a White Party.  It’s like, it’s not 2003 anymore and you’re not in Miami so stop it.  Also, I’m pretty sure that’s the same name the KKK uses for their annual debutant ball.  They have one of those, right?  Nevertheless, moments later the parking lot handie provider emails Farrah that the people in charge of the White Party are not allowing her to attend as they basically think she’s a dump truck with a new head.  Once again, Farrah just starts stringing random words together to explain away what’s happening.  She says something along the lines of, “Well I CAN’T if some people with NEGATIVITY and hate in their hearts want to PRETEND things that we’ve all moved forward from WITH POSITIVITY and daddy Derrick.”  For real I’m going to just start ending all my sentences with “Daddy Derrick” when things get awkward and I need to leave a situation.

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Also, here’s two fun facts.  (1) Farrah decided she’s going to crash the White Party anyway and (2) did you know that the White Party was actually Lisa Vanderpump’s from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that, oddly, just had that episode air last week?  Also at that party was Jill Zarin.  So basically it’s like all the “stars” aligned on that very night to make my life better.  Thank you Jesus Universe Man!  In the end, Farrah does go to the party, gets in, and then 4 minutes later is thrown out.  She tells them they should be embarrassed and then explains to all of us that she’s too fabulous for them.  Debra agrees, spouts some bible verse, and then says that they’ve been kicked out of better places than that.  I assume she means the state of Iowa, no?  Also, feel free to chat about the whole Nikki Minaj/Farrah Twitter fight this week in the comments.

Amber – I gotta say, Amber still seems to be doing pretty good.  And, sadly, because of that she becomes pretty boring to write about/watch.  Sure we can discuss that fact that Gary’s head has expanded from last season/episode and how her cousin Krystal Meth is now 8 weeks along “with child” but how many of those jokes can I write?  10?  27?  I know, right?

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Either way, Amber would like to spend more time with Leah, but Gary is only allowing her to spend the most minimal time with her, which is 3 hours.  My guess is that Gary keeps up these antics so he can secure his spot on Teen Mom and get his money.  I mean, if not you totally know his job would be at Foot Locker and he’d be the one to wait on you and you’d get super nervous that he’d never get back up again when he’s down on the ground trying to lace up your LA Gears.  Are those still sneakers?  Anyway, Amber and her Bostonian to the 10th power, Sully, take Leah to the park for the 3 hours so she can run around the playground in the JonBenet Ramsey heels that Gar Bear bought for her.  Doesn’t it feel good to pay less?  Whilst at the park some little girl runs over to Leah to ask her what he name is and then, I shit you not, looks at Amber and says, “You’re on Teen Mom!”  Well slow clap to that little girl’s mother because, obviously, someone lets their little child watch MTV at night.  I think if more kids did watch this world would be a better place.  Perhaps we’d increase the number of Farrah’s we have.  It’s a true win/win.

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Oh, and bonus points if anyone picked up on the look that Kristina gave Gar Bear when he was venting about Amber and actually said, “She was in prison and I got ‘stuck’ taking care of Leah.”  Awwww true love!  I’m sure she’ll love to relive that clip over and over again.  Moreover, the only thing Gary got stuck with was the chair and, most likely, the toilet.  Perhaps the car seat.  And, of course, any and every theme park ride.

Maci –  Went to Vegas, got drunk and pressured her boyfriend to get married to her.  Daddy Derrick.

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