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Teen Mom Recap: Farrah and the Fairytale of Local Registered Sex Offenders

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Hey y’all it’s time for another crapisode of Teen Mom.  Sadly this episode was a little slow (like Kyle trying to find the toaster in the tree in a Highlights magazine) but hopefully this recap will breathe a little life into it.  I have no idea what that means.  However, if you like what you read feel free to click on the “Recommend” button that’s all over the place so that this recap can be shared with everyone you know…and your mother.  Especially your mother.  Whilst you’re at it, click here to join me on my Facebook page and we can chat about Teen Mom all the live-long day.  Find your very own pen-pal!

Amber – It’s amazing what a little Malibu rehab can do for your pencil-thin eyebrows.  Let’s just say the sunshine and heat really make them pop…just like an all you can eat buffet will do to Gary’s seat-belt extender during his flight to visit Ambjikistan.  I mean, opening up with any other jokes besides “fat ones” is just a plain old waste of time.  A waste of time like when Carol flips over the box of Double-Stuffed Oreo’s to see if there is double the calories.  Our beloved Gar Bear puts on his Sunday best and heads off to the lawyer to see if he can get everything worked out so that he and Leah can visit Amber in Malibu rehab.  I was surprised that Gar could afford a lawyer.  I was waiting for Amber to come busting out of the wall (like Hey Koolaid), slap Gary on the hand, and yell “EXPENSIVE!” and then, of course, wash his face with a baby wipe and Hoover his beard for crumbs and the like.  Even though Gary is working his fattest hardest he is unable to see Amber and her facia bruta this coming weekend.  This makes Amber very angry, but not angry enough to have to hit someone and go directly to “gel.”  She is looking a bit dead behind the eyes (like any given Kardashian) whilst chatting on the phone with Gary about her dumb luck.  Between her Sharpie eyebrows, face piercing, sloppily applied makeup, 7 inch Lee Press-On Nail and blotchy tan streaks she really is like a Bratz Doll come to life and, you know what, I wouldn’t want Amby-pants looking any other way!

The voice of reason in this crapisode is going to be Gary’s MILF, Carol.  She brings Leah back to the ski chalet and I began to squeal with delight when the front door opened and Leah slowly walked in while peaking around the corner before setting foot in the house.  The look on her face said, “Where is that crazy b*tch Amber?  I know she’s hiding around here somewhere and I know I’m going to get my ass kicked down the stairs and, well, it’s going to get kicked fast.”  Carol is sporting her trademark “scrunchie” that really says, “Hey boys, yes I’ve completely given up.”  I like to make the assumption that if that’s what’s holding her hair back you can only imagine what’s holding her FUPA together.  Hanes Her Way perhaps?  Most likely.  Unless she just goes commando and lets it all hang out in her Wrangler’s (Husky, obviously).  Anyprisonglasses, Carol thinks that Amber isn’t really going to change just because she’s doing a stint in “the ‘hab” and that Gary needs to worry the most about Leah and not about his obese love for Amby-pants.  More importantly, why do I want to bring her to the car wash and let her run through it a couple of times?  Just me?  Moving on.

Meanwhile, back in sunny Malibu Amber is meeting with one of her “people” to talk about what level of crazy she is currently at.  Has she hit tilt?  We’re about to find out.  Apparently Amber thinks she’s at “100%” (her quote) and all she needed was a change in her meds and getting away from people who deserved an ass kicking (looks like Leah’s hunch was pretty spot on!).  I think Amber is right.  She does seem 100%.  Like a ham as an appetizer for Gary and his mom on Flag Day, she’s cured.  See what I did there?  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m an idiot!  But the fun doesn’t stop at Amber thinking she’s 100% because the therapist guy wants Amber to call her brother and see what he has to say.  Evidently he holds the key to the secrets that Amber’s mind will not go to in regards to her childhood.  I mean, let’s just call it like it probably is.  Her dad probably drank and looked for his misplaced keys up her “gentlemen greeter.”  Allegedly.  Who’s with me?  Her brother just keeps saying that she and Gary shouldn’t be together because their relationship is toxic and that Gary tries to control her every move and that’s why she never finished high school.  Slow down there Skippy.  Amber never graduated high school because she was eating Taco Bell and delivering a baby at 16 years old.  There’s a difference.

Back at the ski chalet, Leah is being very very bad because she’s eating cake off the floor in the corner all whilst Gary is trying to clean the place and talk to Amber about how he’s had enough of her being a bad girl.  Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he was referring to Leah or Amber.  Either way all I know is that Della Reese should be “on set” all the time testing Leah for Diabetes.  After Gar stops sassing on the phone, he tells Amber that he and Leah will be coming to visit her tomorrow.  You totally know he had to buy three seats.  Ugh why am I going to all fat jokes today?  Maybe it’s because this episode was a bit of a snooze.  Moreover, whilst Gar was chatting with Amb you can see Leah screaming in the background and carrying around a giant Swiffer.  As if that house ever received the benefit of that!  Leah should use it as a weapon to keep off Amber once she’s back from the ‘hab and back on her pills.  Truth be told I kind of hope that Carol comes on this trip to because seeing her in jean shorts and a nuns shirt with a scrunchie in the LA area please needs to be documented on film.  I must see her washed up on the shore, STAT.  P.S., I’ve decided that since Gary’s gut hangs out of all of this t-shirts he should start wearing a cumberbund on the regular.  For real.  Every day can be like the Prom!

Farrah – To no surprise Farrah is a complete d-bag yet again in this episode.  She’s finally in Florida (good luck with her, citizens of Fort Lauderdale) and Michael is there to help her fly a kite with Baby Goop on the beach.  It’s really a lovely moment until Michael simply asks Farrah to watch Sophia near the water and Farrah reacts like he told her he was going to fly the kite with Debra’s trash claw and then use the butcher knives on her.  Since Sophia was being brought up in a “house of angry” she lashes out at Michael just like Farrah does by demanding that he let her use the kite by saying, “Gimme.  Give it to be now!”  The sad part is that they just let her talk like that.  I would have told her she was going to be thrown in the ocean and will go visit her daddy if she keeps up that backtalk.  But, I mean, that would just be parenting style.  Perhaps you have your own.  I seem to think putting the fear of God in a child helps keep them on the straight and narrow.  P.S., that kite was dumb.

Later, Farrah is busy interviewing part-time nannies because she really wants to make sure she bleeds away all the money that MTV gives her instead of banking it since this will be her last season on television and, quite frankly, making any money at all.  I was surprised that Debra wasn’t in the interview line wearing a fright wig and a trench coat.  She’d do anything to be near that Baby Goop.  Either way,  Farrah’s interviewing skills are as good as her “culinary management” skills because she asks the African American nanny is there is a lot of crime in her neighborhood.  Seriously?  If I were the nanny I would have clocked her in the braces.  After the interviewing portion is over she decides to call Debra because clearly she wants to get into a fight with someone and, well, it can’t be the nanny or the camera man.  She lets Debra know about which classes she’s registered for and I’m totally stumped.  It’s classes like “Appreciation of Art” and “Intro to Fairytales.”  I’m not even joking.  Debra is disappointed because she thinks that Farrah didn’t need to move all the way to Florida to take classes like that, whereas I argue that Farrah doesn’t need college for classes like that.  She needs pre-school and perhaps summer camp.  The conversation only gets better because as she’s talking to Debra, Farrah is online and figures out that she’s living next to a ton of registered sex offenders, but the good news is that the nanny lives next to less sex offenders than she.  At least living here will keep Sophia in shape because she’s always going to be running from someone.  Debra freaks out and makes sure that Farrah always watches Sophia, especially at the playground.  She tells her that she should even get on the slide with Sophia to make sure no one gets her.  Hmmm sounds like Debra has tried “getting” Sophia on the slide before.  Interesting.

In the end Michael finally peaces out of Florida and Farrah celebrates by taking Sophia to the pet store to buy a fish.  They, of course, get sidetracked by playing with the puppies first and then suddenly Farrah tries to change Sophia’s mind by asking her over and over and over and over again if she’s sure she’d rather a fish than a dog.  Sophia keeps saying she wants a fish so Farrah ends up getting her a dog instead.  I think it’s a great idea.  The first dog they had worked out really well.  I’m sure they’ll end up throwing this puppy in the ocean as soon as it gives Farrah the side-eye.  I hope they name the dog Michael.  I also think it’s perfect that Farrah has a tiny dog because then she can completely own her Miss Gulch impression.  As soon as Sophia is bad (which will be any minute now) she’ll snatch (giggity) that dog from Sophia, toss it in her bike basket, and pedal off into Kansas.  What the hell am I talking about?

Catelynn – It’s graduation time for Cate and Ty and Ty is getting into the graduation spirit by saying things like “Heeeeeeeeey” when he takes out his cap and gown.  He was about 2 minutes away from a “z snap and a twist” but that’s ok.  We don’t judge here at this blog.  We. Don’t. Judge.  Oh wait, no that’s all we do.  Sometimes I forget.  It’s a real special time for these two because they claim they thought they weren’t going to make it to graduation when they were in the 5th grade.  Really?  You want to know what I was worried about in 5th grade?  Not having sporadic bed wetting accidents at a sleepover.  It’s tough being a ten year old.  Moving on.  Cate is still committing to that Hello Kitty-style bow in her helmet hair.  Somehow she morphed into Jane Jetson, that one time when she borrowed Judy’s hair bow.  Anyone else remember that?  There’s a good chance I just dreamt about it and it never happened.  Go easy on me at least I wasn’t wetting the bed.

Catelynn’s dad and her brother are in town for the big graduation.  We’ve all met her dad before, but I wasn’t aware she had a brother.  His name is River.  He’s in a wheelchair or as I’m sure Butch would think of it as a “Space Seat!”  Since poor River is confined to the chair he has plenty of time to hot iron is hair straight to the point where you’re not sure if he is with or without a vag.  Apparently River was in a car accident when he was younger and lost the ability to use his legs so Tyler and Cate’s dad pick up the chair and bring it into the trailer.  That’s a whole lot of wheels in one place at one time.  All this bonding time for Cate and her dad makes Tyler miss Butch.  Luckily he gets a call from Butch in prison letting him know that he’s getting out of the slammer but a day after the graduation.  He also mentions that he can’t afford to buy him a graduation gift but he’ll at least get him a card.  I’m sure he’ll be stealing one from the Dollar Tree and will, in turn, be heading back to the slammer.  I truly hope that he becomes cellmates with Amber.  Truth be told, if they aired that on Pay Per View I would buy it for myself…and all of America.  I would take out a small business loan.  The bank would understand.

There wasn’t really a lot else going on with these two in this episode.  Although, it was great to see the return of their friend Square Hair.  For reasons that even I don’t understand as soon as I saw her appear on screen I put both fists in the air and yelled Hazaar!  This time around Square Hair had her hair in a bun-like form placed directly on the top of her head.  It was like a mix of Katherine Hepburn and Helen Keller.  Until just now I hadn’t realized they were two different people.  The More You Know.  Also appearing for the first time all season was April!!  She is just as darling as we all remember.  She may have been drunk or high or both because she was being really nice to Catelynn and telling her how proud of her she was for graduating.  She said something like, “I haven’t been this proud of you since you gave up Carly.”  Was that a dig?  Not for nothing, but if April wanted Cate to keep the baby so badly why didn’t she just buy it from her?  Regardless the most important piece of this scene wasn’t the fact that April was being nice and crying tears of joy/meth, but the fact that her bangs start at the very top of her head.  She is a perfect contender for those clip-on hair pieces that those women try to sell you in the middle of the mall.  You know the ones.

In the end, Ty and Cate head off to graduation and keep saying things like “now we can do anything we ever wanted” and “our lives start today.”  I’m sorry, good for them, but we are talking about high school graduation right?  It is a nice accomplishment since they live in poverty, but it’s not like that high school diploma is getting them the penthouse apartment or anything.  And quit bragging about your community college.  I mean, it’s basically like high school again but without lockers.  However, I am just a terrible person but am still proud of these two.  Selling your baby to nice white folks really does open up a lot of doors for your future I guess.  We get to see some home footage of Cate and Ty walking across stage to get their diploma all whilst Ty’s mom wipes away tears of joy…many of which would have been absorbed by her shoulder pads.  And all was right with the world.

Maci – Ugh.  So…uh…to sum up she’s going to crash Ryan’s family’s summer vacation in Florida (say hi to Farrah!) with Bint-Lee.  Kyle won’t be going because he deflects natural sunlight.  We also learn that Ryan has a new girlfriend who his mom says is “sweet.”  Just as sweet as the mom’s haircut I hope…and pray.  I’m never one to throw a stone about bad skin because growing up I was a complete mess.  However, I took to “the Accutane” like a moth to a flame and in 4 short months my skin was completely clear and has been ever since.  I mean sure I bet my insides have rotted and if I were to to impregnate someone the baby would most likely come out with 4 heads and 15 sets of hands but, still, my face is really clear and it truly is what’s on the outside that matters.  I think Maci should give that a whirl.  Plus, all those pills you take have a picture of a pregnant lady with a big “x” through her on the back of each and every pill in the package.  I’m not joking.  It looks like the “no smoking” symbol.  At least it would be a daily reminder for Maci to keep her legs closed for a few months.  In the end, Maci bores me and all her scenes were about going to Florida so she can babysit Bint-Lee one day on the beach. Yawn.  Oh!  I guess I finally understand why Ryan does it all the time!

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Teen Mom Episode Rating: One April, One Butch, and One Barb “Working Her Balls Off to Survive Here!”