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Teen Mom Recap: Free Butch! Free Starburst! Free Me!

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Farrah's Mini Horse Starburst Teen Mom OG

Farrah –  So looks like Farrah did end up buying that mini horse for Baby Goop.  The producers want to stay outside and play with the horse and Goop instead of going inside and risking their lives talking to Farrah.  Eh, at least they get to have fun wearing shoe covers like they’re heading into surgery as they walk through Farrah’s house.  She explains to the producers (where’s Paola?!) that her neighbors are stalking her “social media” and reporting pictures of the mini horse to what I can only assume are the Mini Horse Police and Farrah claims she’s over it so she’s going to move.  Plus, she says she has allergies and is allergic to literally everything in Austin.  So for those reasons (that totally make sense) she plans on moving to San Diego where she can haunt all new neighborhoods and maybe even find a man…or mini horse who she can build a life with.

Speaking of all things “social media”  check out (and follow) me on Instagram here where I have a picture with me and Farrah after I interviewed her on Facebook Live.  I’ll post the video at the end in case you wanna watch and find the part where I ask her if she’s yelling at me and why she’s so mad at us.

It’s like the mini-horse kick just won’t quit.  Paola won’t quit either, but I’m ok with that as I can’t be sure if she’s truly a human or if the majority of her is just made up of Muppet fibers.  Either way, good for her.  Farrah’s playing a fun little game with Paola called “Where in the World is Starburst?”  Farrah, at first, wants to show her Starburst, but then sees if Paola can figure out where in the yard this little mini horse is.  For real, Paola can’t find the horse.  She just keeps smiling and saying “wait” and then finally gives up.  For real, the horse is just standing almost right in front of her with a look on its face that says, “Are you kidding me, bricks?”  Legit the horse is all while and it’s standing on green grass so you can easily see it.  Either way, I do love any game that reminds me of searching for the toaster in the tree in Highlights Magazine.

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All the fun comes to an end when Farrah spills the scripted beans to Puppet Paola that she’s going to be moving to San Diego.  I think Paola thinks at first it’s next door, but then realizes a plane will be needed and her time on Teen Mom is probably coming to an end.  Farrah explains that she’s moving because her neighbors don’t want her having a mini horse in her own backyard and even Paola is like that doesn’t make any sense.  Farrah wants to move multiple states because she needs positivity in her life and, you guessed it, not negativity.  She’s going to run out of states before you know it.  All is well, however, for Paola because Farrah says she’ll be back monthly due to her numerous businesses and that Paola can always visit in San Diego.  “Hooray” said no one.

In the end Farrah takes Michael to lunch (I just assume she’s paying) so she can fill him in on her plan to move to San Diego since she has a case of the sniffles.  He seems shocked, but then just says she needs managers at each of her businesses.  She, of course, gives an attitude and claims she needs 1 executive assistant with her “dynamic” personality to run everything while she’s gone.  Oh, and then she ugly cried for a few seconds when they discussed her not talking to Debra anymore.  Eh, at least we got the ugly cry.

Catelynn – Everyone is a-buzz over Nova’s upcoming 2nd birthday.  I miss iCarly 1.0.  I also miss Brandon and Teresa ignoring Catelynn’s calls.  Oh well.  Anyway, Ty must be in heat because he’s ready for another kid, but Cate is nervous because last time she had a baby she went all 6’s and 7’s afterwards and bought a pig and then cried into a puffy leather couch.  Basically it didn’t go too well.  However, wanna know what did go well?  Nova’s actual birthday party.  It was filled with all our faves….April (!!), Kim, Ty’s sister, Nick (the brother to someone), Cate’s real dad (I think) and then there were others there where I realized I legit am no longer following.  I believe one was April’s dad, who looked like he was around 45.  To sum up, it was a dream come true.  And when you thought it couldn’t get any better…it did.  Butch gave Nova her birthday gift which was a tiny little tank-top that had a picture of Butch on it and said #FreeButch!  Good God I love this family with all my blackened heart.

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In the continuation of Nova Scotia’s 2nd birthday Kim is bringing the drama and is also doing a great job at producing her own scenes.  Everyone is talking about how Nova looks so different from her first birthday and they genuinely seem stunned by this.  It’s like, relax, she’s another year old…it happens.  After the shock wears off Kim decides to bring up that they should have another baby.  Yeah that seems like a great idea.  I mean basically 10 minutes ago Cate was playing the coo-coo-ca-choo game and now it’s baby time?  When Kim asks Ty if Cate is pregnant he literally says no, but shakes his head in an up and down “yes” motion, which is telling.  Kim decides to call him out on and it scream to Cate “are you pregnant!?”  I’m sure that’s how every mother really wants to make that announcement.  Everyone knows you need to make that announcement on the cover of In Touch Weekly in exchange for a check.  Duh.  #RookieKim

Kim keeps the convo buzzing by asking Ty what he’ll do if he doesn’t have a boy and then she…wait for it…wait for it…suggests they “do it doggie-style” because she heard that “will get ya a boy!”  Oh Kim.  She really is the wind beneath my wings.  Flyyyyy!

In the end the party was a success and Nova pissed on the floor.  For real.

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Amber – It’s nice that hell continues to freeze over.  You guessed it, Amber and Gar Bear are going to have a joint party for Leah since they’re getting along this week.  Oh and there won’t be any joints there because Amber will combust.  They’re going to have her party at some place that looks like a roller-rink from the early 80’s.  Amber wants to know if they can get chair covers and everyone looks at her like she just asked to man the first rocket going to Pluto.  I actually think they didn’t know what those words meant.  Either way, the whole place looked like it gave you a little bag of bed bugs on your way out…and in case they forgot to give you the bag there are just bed bugs all over you anyway, simply by being there.  What a time to be alive! I’m excited that Amber is inviting Krystal Meth to the party and one of Matt’s son’s (the one who was on drugs that Gary freaked over) so all-in-all I’m kinda hoping some punches will be thrown.

The party was kind of a bust.  For some reason it was a surprise party and Leah looked like she was over it before she even got inside.  Kids, am I right?  She literally walked right in and directly blew out a candle and opened her gifts.  So there was that.  Later she dressed as a magician and tried to make Sully disappear.  He looked actually bummed by that.  Oh and Sully’s son barely got any air time so I was actually bummed by that.  Later Amber says she cried when she watched the episode where Kristina and Gary got married on the beach because “Kristina deserved that” and then skates around the issue when Gary asks Amber when she’s going to have another baby.  Awkward?

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As if I couldn’t love Amber any more than I do, she’s still sitting around on a pile of blankets on the floor and drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee.  I find all of this comforting.  Baby fever is on everyones mind, but Amber has to burst their bubble that she can’t really have any more kids because she was “re-diagnosed” with borderline personality disorder and bi-polar disorder.  It’s basically like hitting the crazy jackpot especially when you go back again and they’re kinda like “you’re so crazy that we’re going to diagnose you one more time just to get the point across.”  Of course I’m kidding and I don’t think it means you’re “crazy.”  I mean, who isn’t crazy?  I sure am.  And that’s why I like all things Amber.

Anyway, apparently since Amber is on enough meds to balance her out and stop a charing rhino in its tracks, the doctors don’t think she should get pregnant whilst on the meds as it will negatively impact the fetus and whatnot.  She can technically have a baby, but she’d have to get off the meds and I guess when she did that before…well, let’s just say it didn’t go so well.  Sully/Matt looked like he saw the fear of God in his eyes when he had to deal with Amber sans meds.  Is it wrong that I’d kinda like to see that even if for just a really short time?  Alas, I’m glad Amber is on the meds, doing well, and not going to have a baby with Sully at this time because, well, Sully.

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Maci – Made Thanksgiving plans.

Plus:  Watch the Farrah interview here….I tried.

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