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Teen Mom Recap: Halloween for The Poors

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Farrah – Oh Jesus, baby Goo is legit dressed like Dora and trying to help Farrah load the dishwasher.  Yes, my friends, it has come to this.  Is it just me or does Farrah talk to Sophia like she’s the family pet?  She keeps trying to get Sophia the Explorer away from the dishwasher because she “doesn’t need any help” but I’m not quite convinced that Sophia is trying to help as much as she’s probably trying to grab the butcher knife from the dishwasher so she can fight off Debra.  Speaking of which, ding dong, Debra has arrived sporting some sexy mom jeans that ride up nice and tight right up the old assola.  Every time Debra walks onto the scene I always hear “There she goes, there she goes again.  Racing through my brain.  And I just can’t contain, this feeling that remains” playing in my head on a loop.  But things can’t be all early 2000’s songs as we learn that Farrah needs to cook a bunch of food for her final and Debra needs to sample it, but she requires a gluten free diet so can’t partake in the oily pizza’s Farrah is likely to make.  I do wish, however, that Debra was a little rougher around the edges.  She should have said something like, “Is this gluten free ‘cuz if not I get the sh*ts.”  Elegant and class mixed into one.

I forgot that Farrah had a sister that she hated, but we’re reminded of her when it’s time to go to the pumpkin patch with baby Goo.  Me gusta how her sister, Ashley, is tanned to perfection in late October because, at the end of the day, nothing looks more natural.  I’m sure Ashley is just there to see if she can become a reoccurring character and get “Farrah boob money.”  Anyunderbite, Sophia is totally over this hay ride from hell as she is side-eying the piss out of everyone.  I’m kidding.  She was stoic.  She actually turned catatonic when they were painting a pumpkin on her face because, you know, tattoo ’em early.  It is during this hay ride, however, that we uncover Farrah’s big business plans to “build a restaurant and then open it” in glamorous San Jose.  Do you know the way?  I like how she’s planing on building it first and then opening it up as opposed to opening it up and then building it.  Solid plan, where do I lend her the money?  And what the F is up with San Jose?  Clearly not that it’s a bad place, but really?  San Jose?  Why doesn’t she just open in next door to her house?  I’m sure Debra owns that property as well.  And, this way, she can be just a trash claw reach away from Debra’s cooking advice.

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Speaking of My Little Debra, she’s even dishing out advice on Farrah’s restaurant business plan for her class.  Luckily, for us, she’s tearing it to shreds and tells Farrah that her restaurant, which is called F & S Restaurant (creative, but I like Effin S better), that it doesn’t seem sophisticated enough.  Perhaps she wants all the chefs to wear tweed blazers with shoulder pads like her?  Regardless, Farrah just wants this final presentation to be good enough to pass her and she claims she put in “C effort.”  Oddly enough, Debra put in “C effort” as well, but a different kind of “C” and you know the one I’m talking about.

In the end (ish) Farrah has to go to the chiropractor because her store bought new boobs are weighing her down (maybe) and she uses this time to b*tch to Debra about the feedback she received from her teachers about her presentation.  Apparently “the faculty” (aka the head cook at Denny’s) didn’t like the additions that Debra made to the presentation.  Gulp.  I started sweating from my ass when Farrah blamed her.  I’m sure she got slapped in the car on the ride home from this appointment, that’s for sure.  Farrah explained to the faculty that Debra has her MBA so, clearly, Farrah deserved better feedback.  Debra quickly corrected her that she has her Executive MBA, which evidently is higher than just your plain old run of the mill MBA.  She probably would have convinced them to change her grade if she told them that her mom did jail time and 1000 hours of community service for beating the bag out of F-dog and allegedly trying to butcher knife 2 cops to death.  I know I wouldn’t mess with her.  Even with all that “the faculty” told Farrah that she is b*tchy and rude.  Seriously, I love it.  What the F kind of school is this and where do I sign up strictly to hear feedback?  Oh, and she also pronounced “Italian” as “Eye-talian” so basically I’m done with her.

Amber – Leah is busy learning how to not smash her head on the couch and write some words instead.  Professor Gary is trying to teach her to write “mommy” but I’m pretty sure she was just scribbling “dumb b*tch” in Brick Red crayon across the paper with devil horns over the “i.”  Amber doesn’t have time to teach Leah things as she has big dinner plans with 3 huge dudes who may or may not be able to take Gary in a wrestling match.  I was going to say “a race” but who’s kidding who?  During the eventual gang bang dinner Amber lets the guys know that it’s just “rumors” that she doesn’t have custody of Leah.  Rumors and legally binding court documents.  Same thing.

Later, Amber is watching videos of Leah on her cell phone running across the room and screaming.  Who wouldn’t want to go home to that?  Her cousin, Krystle Meth comes over to sass Amber on camera by telling her that she should “slow her role” with the guys and focus on her daughter instead.  Whoa.  Amber defends herself by saying that if she wasn’t focused on her daughter she wouldn’t be looking at rental homes every day for the past 5 days.  Why she wants to move out of Gary’s chalet is beyond me.  I’d stay for the chair lift alone!  Regardless, Amber claims she can’t see Leah because she doesn’t have her license anymore.  Perhaps she can have her realtor drop her off?

Speaking of the realtor…meet Bill.  Bill the Realtor.  Not to be confused with Bob the Lawyer from last episode.  Clearly Bill, like Bob, must be at the top of his industry as he is trying to turn a profit on Amber.  Maybe he’s her pimp.  One may never know.  However, if he knows how to make Amber’s stomach tattoo talk, we may have our answer.  Moving on.   Amber’s mom stops on by to give Leah a Halloween costume which, of course, is a Cinderella dress.  Maybe she didn’t get the memo that Leah lives in a ski resort and not with Amber.  Either way, Amber fills in her mom and also lets her know that she can’t leave her house because of all the people who drive by and honk their horns at her house and yell out that she’s a bad mom.  These people seem like a real hoot!  Like, they’re probably the same people who can’t take Tylenol because they consume between 2 and 3 alcoholic drinks per day and, well, I like ’em.  If I were them I wouldn’t yell that she’s a bad mom, I’d simply honk my horn every morning and shout out, “Don’t forget to Sharpie your entire eyebrow today!”  I’m helpful like that.

Gary’s sex-pot mom comes over to where Amber is staying to drop off Leah for a little bit.  She will be taking Leah trick-or-treating later, but Gary won’t be going with her as he has “other plans.”  I’m sure that’s code for “people honk their horns and yell ‘fat bastard’ at him.”  Leah, meanwhile, is throwing an absolute fit (the same way I do when Teen Mom ends) when they put her in her Cinderella costume.  She’s quite the delight.  With the way her parents are I’m surprised she has melt-downs at all.  Amber, too, ends up crying yet again because of her current situation.  Seriously, someone get this chick help.  And I’m talking meds and lots of ’em.  I’m not even joking.  All she does is cry.  She’s clearly depressed and since she allegedly tried to dirt-nap herself I think someone should be taking a closer look at this depression issue.

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In the end, Amber doesn’t take Leah trick-or-treating but does instead look at another house to rent.  This time it’s from her friends mom and in a nice neighborhood where people don’t heckle you on the regular.  In other words, it’s boring.  Amber, once gain, starts to cry in the new house in front of the realtor because she just “wants to start over.”  Life isn’t a Nintendo game Amby.  You can’t just keep hitting reset.  Although if you do press up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A then you will get like 100 guys on Contra so, well, that’s that.  The realtor tells her she knows what it’s like to be a teen mom because she was one.  I love how people brag about that now, thanks to MTV.  Also, someone should check Gary’s Halloween candy for hidden razor blades and diet pills.  Safety first.

Maci – You know it’s going to be good Maci segment when in the first 20 seconds Ryan is giving out not one but two giant yawns!  Ryan’s yawns are the new Pitocin.  Drink!  He even gave us a nice yawn whilst trying to talk about Bint-Lee’s upcoming birthday party.  Everything else is, well, a giant yawn for the rest of the episode.  Fitting.  Maci declares that the birthday party will be just family and Kie and “whoever Ryan is dating at the time.”  Zings from Maci fall flat…like her former chest.  Hey-oh!  A zing within a zing!  Ryan should date Maci’s friend “Boo” only because she actually has a friend named “Boo” and, well, that must be on someones bucket list somewhere.

It’s Bint-Lee’s 2nd birthday so Maci and Kie are taking him to the aquarium.  Maci even invites Ryan, but he decides to take a pass since he’s being a little b*tch this episode.  I miss the Ryan from the past two episodes.  Maybe he’s giving up “the chew” and that’s why he’s cranky.  Maybe he’s having “ladies days” and his flow is heavy right now.  There are endless possibilities, really.  At the aquarium Bint-Lee freaks the F out at the sight of the birds.  His reaction was like mine the first time I saw Amber “sexy-dancing” on the beach in her blue dress.  Nasty, yet nice.

There’s a bunch of hoopla about Maci wanting to take Bint-Lee for 2 hours after his birthday party so she can take him trick-or-treating, but since Ryan has him that day he refuses to let Maci have him. Spoiler Alert:  Bint-Lee dressed up as Barney.  So we know, already, that Farrah hates him. Anyway,  it’s even the topic of conversation for Ryan and his family as they sit around a bonfire in their backyard and drink out of keg cups all whilst his mom suffers from a case of “beer tears” over this entire situation.  Personally, I couldn’t care less so let’s just move on.

In the end, we’re all at Bint-Lee’s birthday party at what looks like the most fun place on earth.  Ryan’s family is being a bunch of wet blankets and sitting on the side and not talking to anyone.  Everyone seems to be having fun except them.  Even Boo is having a blast.  Do you think on Halloween Boo answers “what?” a lot?  I do. I think it.  Maci tells Ryan that she’s taking Bint-Lee trick-or-treating regardless of what he says and Ryan just answers her by saying “court.”  Can you expand a bit?  He should have mouthed ‘Judge Judy” so that we were all on the same page.  Why does he need to take her to court?  Over what?  His parents should stop getting involved in his business and maybe he should focus on getting someone else pregnant that lives a little closer to them.  Have a strategy man.

Catelynn – With Butch and April missing from this episode, Catelynn and Tyler get voted the most boring of the crapisode.  Don’t get too comfortable, Maci and Kie, because you two just narrowly escaped that title.  You can thank Ryan’s yawn for saving you this week.  Anyforeheads, Catelynn and Tyler head out to a haunted corn field and scream the entire time.  If they really wanted a good scare they should look at Butch with 2 weeks of sobriety under his belt.  Spooooky!  Later they’re freaking out about a $63.00 bill that they owe and decide they both need to get minimum wage jobs to pay off that bill.  You’d think the MTV money would cover that but apparently, it doesn’t.

Since Catelynn isn’t technically a teen mom even though she’s on a show with the same name, she’s babysitting her little brother, Nick.  You may remember Nick from last season French-kissing the wall.  Yeah, him.  Nick is throwing a fit in the kitchen and just keeps yelling “whatever” at Catelynn and eventually starts slapping at her.  Where he learned any of this behavior, violence, and back talk is beyond me.  Perhaps this is what happens when April is your mom and your dad spends more time in the slammer than in the living room.  Personally, I like his Green Eggs and Ham t-shirt, but I think it’s more of a subtle hint than a fashion choice.  Also, I miss his mullet.  Insert sad face here ___.

Tyler and Catelynn both get job interviews which already makes me embarrassed for myself, them, and The America.  Tyler landed a job interview at a pizza place and Catelynn got her interview at “Toni’s Jewelry Boutique” even after she called her said “cool, so I’ll swing by and fill out an app.”  No me gusta when Cate tries to act cool, especially over the phone.  I’m not sure why she’s so adamant about working for “Toni’ and wanting to sell feather boas and Troll dolls with belly jewels.  Unless, of course, the Trolls are vagazzeled.  Duh.  Toni looks like she’s pissed at Catelynn the whole time and has a look on her face like she can “catch teen pregnancy” just by standing across from her.  Tyler’s interview at the pizza place went a lot better as the owner was asking him questions like, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”  I mean, you’re making pizza for minimum wage. Isn’t this the “reach goal?”  I don’t think you advance from here.  Tyler tells him he’s the right fit for the job because he “loves pizza.”  Hopefully he discloses to the owner that if Butch falls off the wagon it’s likely that he’ll be breaking into the pizza place and robbing them blind.  Eh, not my business really.

In the end, Tyler got the job at the pizza place and his mom (my love), Kim, is so happy that she’s crying over the phone.  Tyler working his first day actually beats Butch’s record for “total days worked”  I’m sure.  Even Catelynn got her job too!  Apparently she’ll be working 1 day a week for $8.00 an hour.  Score.  She’ll spend her entire paycheck on gas.  I wonder if they offer a 401K and if they’re looking for extra help?  Hmmmm.

Episode Rating:  4 Yawning Ryan’s


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