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Teen Mom Recap: I Mean, Who Doesn’t Have 7 Kids in 7 Different States?!

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It’s another victorious episode of Teen Mom and by “victorious” I mean, “35 minutes of commercials and two chronic ugly cries.”  Let’s dig into it.  Giggity.

Farah – You know who loves her mother and father?  Farrah.  I know it’s hard to see her love as her face is filled with poison and she suffers from a case of permanent duck lip, but she reaaaallly loves them and is overly respectful towards them.  Also, she hates them.  And it shows.  Poor Debra just wants to babysit Baby Goop and completely destroy her upbringing while Farrah is away in the UK showing other countries who aren’t as familiar with her what a dumpster she is, but Farrah doesn’t want Debra anywhere near Goop.  She just wants “Michael” to watch Goop, you know, and most likely do some form of diddling.  I’m not talking full force or anything but, let’s face it, I’m sure he’ll show his ding-dong and whatnot.

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And you know what else I’m confused about?  The constant baby talk that every single member of the family takes part in.  Even Goop is doing a voice.  They’re all basically putting on the world’s worst skit.  Ever.  I don’t want to pick on little children (publicly), but Goop legit always seems pissed off. And how could we blame her?  Imagine having to hear your mom monotone yell at your Who-like grandmother over Facetime on the regular?

After Farrah bullies Michael for wanting Debra to help him watch Goop (after she told Debra she’s going home on Saturday) Farrah decides that the only way to quickly solve this problem is to bring in that spiky-haired therapist.  Also, let’s all just assume she thinks part of the solution is also to draw in her eyebrows with a thin-tip Sharpie because, well, that’s exactly what’s happening.

The therapist, to my shock and awe, actually sides with Debra and Michael.  Basically she tells Farrah that she’s one step up from a crazy homeless person who makes hats out of McDonald’s bags and she should let her “parents” watch Goop because they really love her.  Honestly, I’m not a therapist but who else thinks that with Debra, Michael, and Goop all under one room someone is getting stabbed.  Like, a lot.  Many stabbings.  So many.  Less than 100, but more than 80.

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In the end, Farrah heads out to the UK to embarrass herself internationally and says goodbye to Goop (and good luck surviving) as she ugly-cries herself all the way to the airport.  It really was a great Bingo game for all of us with the ugly crying, monotone yelling, Debra on Facetime, baby voices all around, Baby Goop giving demonic face, Michael pleading for his life, etc.

Amber – Holy hell things aren’t looking the best for Amber and her fiance (we’s fiance!) Sully.  We know this because apparently Gary is the Nancy Drew of our generation and has found some “legal documents” on the “Internet” that claim that Sully is not only the father of 7 different children in 7 different states, but also that most of the mother’s are suing for child support.  It’s really the oldest story in the book.  And you know who’s equally the worst?  Kristina.  She never really bothered me before, except all the times she was jealous that Gary would get back with Amber, but now she’s really getting my goat.  I have a goat, by the way.  Personally I think Kristina loves the drama as much as Gary likes a second-helping.  Hey-oh!

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Meanwhile Amber, Sully and Leah are looking at wedding venues and, once again, I’m pleasantly surprised that Amber isn’t looking at the local VFW and having a camo theme.  She really has come a long way.  I didn’t appreciate, however, the scene where she and Krystal Meth were getting pedicures because I was trying to have a snack and the site really made me lose my appetite and have to throw said snack in the trash.  On the plus side, it’s really a great diet plan.  Ole!

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Gary and Kristina head on over to see their lawyer, who I believe has her office above a pizza shop, to find out if Sully having, allegedly, 7 kids makes Leah unsafe.  I mean.  Yawn.  The lawyer and her bangs suggests to Gary that he take his “paperwork” and talk to Amber about it.  Kristina looks like she’s in heat. So, for the first time ever, Gary starts coming outside to get Leah when Amber drops her off and Amber wants no part of it.  She knows something is up…and I’m not just talking about Gary’s lbs and cholesterol. So, from the porch (God bless those support beams), Gary waves papers at Amber and she exits the car like Puxatawny Phil looking for his shadow to see if there will be 6 more weeks of winter.

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Gary lets Amber know that Sully has 7 kids all over the world and she is pissed that he’s doing this all on camera.  Here’s the thing I like best about breaking the 4th wall.  It’s actually more interesting than the show itself.  Amber freaks because she says that Gary did this on camera and now millions of people are going to think Sully is a creep and now she’s going to have to convince millions of people that he isn’t.  Or is he?  Either way.  The car ride home between Amber and Sully was as awkward as can be, but not more awkward than the scene where she’s yelling at him in the house, mic’d up, but without the cameras. But it was slightly less awkward than when Sully screamed at that poor producer and told her to take her cameras and never come back to their house again.  I mean, I’m sure he didn’t mean it as he loves being on reality tv.  I really felt bad for her the next day when she was crying to the producers saying she can’t take much more because she’s about to break.  Oddly, Amber’s spirits and Gary’s porch have so much more in common than I ever thought.

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Catelynn – This episode didn’t have as much Butch as I’d like.  But I don’t want to get greedy.  Cate and Ty’s whole scenes center around Cate biting her nails constantly…even when she had some fake bright green nails glued to her stumps.  It’s a thing.  And it grosses me out.  Again, great diet plan.

Also a common theme this episode is trying to figure out if Cate has postpartum depression since giving birth to iCarly 2.0.  I guess people are asking because Cate is sending iCarly 2.0 to stay with the grandparents 2 to 3 days per week.  Uh, ok.  Even I think that’s odd and I believe in chaining kids to the family dog and just heading out for the night.  But, clearly, I have standards.

This week we also get to listen in on everyone trying to figure out what “career” Tyler wants.  I mean, do you just pick this out of a hat?  Apparently he wants to “write books” and is currently working on two different ones at the same time.  Both sound amazing.  However, unless it’s a new form of Where’s Waldo titled “Where’s Butch” and consists of scenes of Tyler’s childhood events and you have to see if Butch is in the background or in prison, I’m not interested.  I’m kidding.  I’ll read whatever.  I’m kidding again.  I can’t read.  I can’t even type.  I have a tiny monkey typing this as I tell him what to write.  But you knew that.

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In the end, Ty and Cate head on out to therapy, because that’s what you do on reality television, and Cate tries to convince everyone she isn’t depressed…as she’s wrapped in a blanket and sprawled out on the therapists couch.  The therapist decides Cate isn’t depressed, but that Tyler should help out more and that should lessen the amount of times Catelynn wants to give her baby away to others.  Math rules!

Maci – Also gives her newborn baby away to anyone who will watch her.

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