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Teen Mom Recap: Loose Lips Skank Ships

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Farrah – Looks like someone may be gearing up for their next ‘accidental’ celebrity sex tape because Farrah inflated her lips up a couple of thousands notches.  Everyone has been freaking out on my Facebook page last night (click here to follow me!) about how big they are, but I say they’re not big enough.  I say keep ’em going until a simple pin could pop them and then confetti shoots out.  Or candy.  Or Skittle’s water.  Either way there should be a major surprise at some point.  Rumor has it that if you pop her lips and her old lips see its shadow there will be 6 more weeks of winter.  It’s just a rumor though.

Simon is back in LA because (1) he really likes taking beating, (2) he totally digs a public shaming and (3) he and Farrah have to go to ‘therapy’ with Dr. Jenn from VH1’s “Let Me Judge Low Level Reality Stars” to see if their relationship can really make the long haul.  Oh, and they have nothing else to really film since Debra doesn’t swat at Farrah as much these days.  Farrah decides that while going to therapy it only makes sense to dress as her best Liza Minnelli with a bedazzled jumpsuit.  Remember that time you went therapy and then left early so you could attend the Oscars?  Yeah, so same/same.

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What I really like about Dr. Jenn is how her hair is always matted down like a wet little cartoon rat…and how she always sounds like she has chronic dry-mouth.  It’s a thing.  It’s like she’s speaking with 17 saltines in her mouth.   Either way, Dr. Jenn really is the voice of reason during this televised therapy session where she’s confused by how Farrah speaks to Simon.  It actually was refreshing to see and hear.  It was also refreshing to see Farrah bust out her best ugly cry.  There’s been so many over the years, but this is in the top 200 for sure.  I was a little disappointed that she didn’t ask about the jumpsuit though.  Do you think it was a subliminal dig at Amber?  Like, you were in an orange jumpsuit and I’m in a bedazzled one?  We may never know, but I think there’s a conspiracy theory here somewhere.  In other news, if Simon was older I’d assume he was Jon Benet’s killer.

After a bit of a ‘difference of opinion’ between Farrah and Simon over the whole “Farrah bought and designed her own engagement ring without Simon” Farrah has to storm off to take a tinkle-winkle and cry her frozen/dead eyes out.  Meanwhile back in therapy Dr. Jenn is probably trying to teach Simon how to eye-roll his way through the rest of this fauxlationship.  After Farrah comes tap dancing her way back into the session, Dr. Jenn convinces them both that their relationship has hope, but they have a whole lot of work to do.  To quickly sum up, they both basically need to be completely different people.  And better people.  They need to not really be who they truly are. They also need an exorcism.  Oh, and she doesn’t think that they should involve Baby Goop into this mess until they know if they’re in it for the long haul.  I assume so that it helps ensure this one day keeps Sophia off the pole, but I’m not a doctor so I can’t say for sure.

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In the end, Simon and Farrah go to get their nails did and talk about how they’re starting their relationship all over again.  For real, just move on.  What I refuse to move on from, however, is the fact that as they try to sip mimosas Farrah needs to use a straw because her lips are too big to work a glass.  They are not too big, however, to work some other business.  Hopefully that tape will leak soon.

Amber – Do you know when you think you’re working really hard and trying your best in life and you can barely afford your rent?  Well on the opposite end of the spectrum, Amber and Sully are looking to move into a sweet house in one of the best neighborhoods in their state.  Amber is a little nervous that if they get the house they won’t fit in with the neighbors because she feels like she is still prison trash, even though in my eyes she’ll always be the Jewel of Indiana.


We also get to meet their current neighbors who seem awesome, nice, and funny.  We’ve never seen them before and we’ll probably never see them again because Amber is telling them they’re hoping to move the F out of dodge so that Leah can ride her bike safely in their “new” neighborhood if they get the house and, hopefully, not become the next Jon Benet Ramsey.  That’s right folks…that’s TWO Jon Benet jokes so far today and I’m showing no signs of stopping.  I mean, if there can be over 15 Jon Benet TV specials on every channel these days I figured I should get myself in the mix too.  Oh, by the way, I totally think the brother did it and the parents tried to cover it up.  I mean, did you hear that 911 call?  And that most recent interview on Dr. Phil with the brother is as creepy as you can get.  As my sister seriously asked me when we were discussing it, “Does he have crazy-eyes and a really bad haircut?”  Because if he does she thinks he’s guilty.  And you know what? I think she’s on to something.  Now where were we?

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Meanwhile as we all wait on the edge of our seats to see if Amber gets to George Jefferson her way to the new neighborhood, Gary is planning a special surprise for his wife Kristina.  Apparently he’s going to do some kind of vow renewal on the beach as a surprise and he’s even going to wear a button-down shirt and not his “too-tight” t-shirts that seems to always have to suffer in their attempt to try and cover his body.  Hasn’t cotton-poly-blend suffered enough already?!  Can I be honest?  I didn’t actually know that Gary and Kristina were actually already married.  They are, right?  Did they have someone marry them when Kristina was giving birth to their baby?  Also, I don’t really care.  Well, maybe a little.  Enough to write about it apparently. I also care enough to let you know I think you should click here to also follow me on my Instagram account.  Sometimes I upload random videos there too.  Join me!

Good news everyone!  Amber and Sully got the house!  Sully put it so well when he hugged Amber and said, “We” really deserve this.  Right.  Totally.  Sully really deserves that sick house in that sick neighborhood that Amber’s teen pregnancy and prison stint bought.  I hate to get involved, but I really hope that entire house is in Amber’s name only.  We got to take a quick tour of the house and neighborhood and, even I have to admit, it looks awesome and I’m really happy for Amber.  I mean, at the same time if you’re quiet enough right now you can hear the prices of the other houses in the neighborhood plummeting as we speak. I felt bad for that neighbor that had to help them back up their moving truck…and then head back to his sh*tty neighborhood after this is all over.

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In the end, Gary completes his “surprise” vow renewal on the beach which seemed odd that Kristina didn’t know about since she was in a white dress and heading to the beach to film some scenes…but whatever.  Their vows made me uncomfortable and there is something about Kristina that I could never put my finger on.  Oh, and we learn that a judge, literally, lives across the street from Amber and Sully now.  Hopefully he can give Amber pointers, tips and tricks.  For real though I’m happy for Amber especially after she said how poor she was when she was little.  Good for her.  Now let’s all go and try to find Jon Benet’s killer!

Catelynn – is away getting help, so who really cares about what else happens.

Maci – postponed and then got her wedding back on track.