It’s the Mother’s Day episode for everyone on Teen Mom and I’m back again this week! Thanks for all the Facebook messages you sent me (click here to follow me on Facebook)/hate mail for deciding to watch the presidential debate instead last week. Let’s get right into it!
Amber – For reasons that no one explains, Gary is with Leah at the park and Leah is dressed like Lady Liberty in all red, white and blue. Something tells me that Gar-Bear makes her dress like that because it reminds him of the summer, which in turn reminds him of bbq’s, which in turn reminds him of hot dogs. And, well, hot dogs. So there’s that. Gary decides to gift Leah with his old iPod (yes, iPod) because he wants Leah to be able to call him when she’s at Amber’s house. Leah looks like she doesn’t care at all. She does, however, look like she loves the F out of America.
Meanwhile, Amber and Sully are really starting to fit into their new neighborhood where, to be honest, I still can’t believe she lives after 3 weeks. Each time I’m waiting for the cameras to pan out and it’ll be like, “Ohhh see? She lives next door to a 7-11 or a crack house. Or both!” But, alas, they pan out and it’s like even nicer houses. Even after the dog pees all over the floor and Sully takes him outside he (the dog..and sort of Sully) chase after some girl jogging by. The dog nearly mauls her to death and so she’s just like, “Are you from Teen Mom?” After Sully says ‘yes’ I was assuming she would serve him with court documents of some sort but, instead, she just kindly says hello and how she lives across the street. It’s all really shocking. I think we should wait for Krystal Meth to stop on by and we’ll see what happens then. I, of course, am kidding as Krystal is all of our spirit animals, heart, and soul all combined into one giant piece of all-American love. I also have no clue what any of that means. What I do know is that I feel like Sully was flirting with the neighbor and you want to know how I know that? He called her a “jogger.” and actually pronounced the “er” vs. just saying, in his normal accent: Jogg-ah. See the difference? Exactly.
Later, since money is no longer an object for Amber (good for her, bad for my poor white trash inspired jokes over the years), she and her family are taking a pontoon ride in the lake that I assume is just part of her backyard. Sully is letting Leah drive the boat, which I think is a good idea since, sadly, Gary would never be able to place Leah on his lap in front of a steering wheel outside of a little gastric-bypass procedure. Sully has no clue where he’s going (typical Boston driver) and Amber is getting pissed. Something tells me she’s starting to get embarrassed of him. Or maybe that’s just me. And by “just me” I mean “all of America.” Oh, and the houses along the lake that are legit Amber’s “neighbors” are nicer than anything I’ve seen in a while and, well, makes me feel badly about my own financial situation.
Meanwhile, Gary keeps trying to call Leah but she won’t pick up. How awesome would it have been if Leah answered and was like, “New phone. Who dis?” Such a missed opportunity. Next thing you know he decides to try Amber’s phone, but no dice there either. He just gets forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system (read that again in that horrific voicemail voice) and Gary looks devastated. It was the same face he put on that time Dominos took their phone off the hook. #NeverForget #GaryWillRebuild
Gary comes up with this really great idea that he should invite Amber and Sully over for, you guessed it, hot dogs. He feels like he wants Leah to see that they can all get along but, let’s face it, Gary just likes hot dogs. It’s ok, a man has to eat. He’s gotta keep up that “Dad Bod” just like his t-shirt says. No, for real though. Anyway, he invites Amber but she’s all, uh, deuces Gar! Gary decides to, instead, vent to Kerthy the producer. Kerthy. Let’s try that one more time. He vented to Kerthy the producer. I couldn’t love that name any more than I do. I could try, but I would fail. The whole time Gary is talking to Kerthy, Kerthy is just rolling her head around like she wants to quit life. Kerthy. I’d quit life too. But I wouldn’t quit Kerthy. Ever. Kerthy.
Farrah – It’s Mother’s Day and there really isn’t a bigger mother out there than Farrah. Michael and his bae are over to have some mimosas and buffalo wings with Farrah to celebrate mother’s day and, most likely, to try and break her toilet. You know why. Baby Goop loves Farrah so much that she made her about 15 mother’s day cards. The MTV cameras didn’t show us any of them, but let’s just assume she took a giant dump on the inside of each card and then signed it, “See you in hell, b*tch.” I didn’t see Debra anywhere in this scene, which makes me think she’s probably still locked down the basement from pre-filming. I guess we don’t need her for this part of the show since Michael is playing the role of head cheerleader and dishing all the gossip about Simon. Farrah explains (in about a 400 word giant run-on sentence) that Simon is the worst and blah. She may have been telling us about the time the clown touched her on her no-no when she was little, but I didn’t hear any of it as I kept pausing my DVR to see her face trying to eat chicken…and to figure out if her lips were actually on the inside or outside of her face. At this point I think it’s just Mr. Potato Head pieces superglued to and fro.
Anyway, Farrah is off to Miami because it’s her 25th birthday and apparently all of Miami is paying for her to go there and celebrate. I mean, if she’s there during hurricane season I could understand why everyone would want her there. You know, it’s a total numbers game. Lucky for us Debra is there too and if you ever wanted to see Debra in a pink bikini top with pleated blue Docker short-shorts and mirrored Wayfarer sunglasses, well, today is your lucky day. Farrah is basically slow motion walking up the beach and Baby Goop is building a sandcastle and not a sand-daddy-Derrick like I had assumed she would be. Too soon?
I love how no matter what Debra says Farrah just yells at her. This was an actual exchange:
Farrah: It’s so beautiful here.
Debra: I know! These are some of the best beaches in the world.
Farrah: I know God mom what are you going to start giving us stats now?!?!
Slow clap the shiz out of that. Luckily Baby Goop was nearby with her pale of water and just kept pouring it over Farrah’s crotch over and over again. And I’m not kidding. Goop was probably hoping it was holy water and she could clean out Farrah’s gentlemen greeter. No luck though. Farrah just kept sticking her chest out every time the water would splash her and lifelessly say, “Yay!” I’m not entirely sure what this show is about anymore. Oh, while you’re here you should totally click here to follow me on Instagram. I interviewed Dolores from Real Housewives of New Jersey last week, have a picture with her, and it was the highlight of my loser life. Join me, won’t you?
Later Farrah meets up with her friend, Paola, for lunch and to speak in real short sentences about their outfits for the night. I wonder if Paola will be forced to build the wall. Is that ok to say? I mean, I’m not political so I’m not sure how it’s all going to shake out, but I feel like she’ll do a good job. I wish everyone a beautiful life. Anyway, Farrah can’t wait for her big birthday celebration at “da club.” I know I’m 256 years old, but how horrible does “a club” sound? And then when they showed it I was like “Ugh those lights and the noise and shhhhhhh.” Plus, those dumb bottles that they light up like fireworks? All terrible. I prefer a beer in my apartment and then, like, a 9:30 pm bedtime. Just me? Oh and watching Farrah take those pictures like she was having fun, had any friends there (I mean) and then pose for the camera was what I assume Mariah Carey could have been like had she not met Tommy Mottola.
In the end Farrah, Debra and Baby Goop all go out for lunch for Farrah’s birthday. Did I mention that Farrah decides to not wear a bra to lunch and show a little/a lot of sideboob? Well, she does. She talks to Debra about how happy she is with her life especially at 25. Yeah, that seems evident. Also, Baby Goop is pulling a Kerthy and is head and eye rolling the whole time. Oh, and is it just me or are we all on the same page that Debra just says whatever Farrah wants to hear so (a) she doesn’t get stabbed and (b) the money keeps finding its way to her?
Catelynn – I’m not really sure what’s going on with Cate. I feel like she’s still hating life and needs more than 30 days in Arizona. It’s Mother’s Day and Tyler has to wake her up and make her get out of bed because, well, they’re filming a show and she’s the star (of sorts). He has a surprise for her which I was hoping was shampoo, but instead it was taking her and baby Nova Scotia to go see some horses. Crazy people love horses apparently. I guess it soothes them. I think I need horses. Lots of ’em because I have to recap all this crap each and every week. I think I’d like a horse. I just wouldn’t want to touch it, smell it, ride it, or look at it. Other than that let the healing begin!
Catelynn loves the horse and she says it makes her feel peaceful. Something tells me she smoked up with that horse in the stable prior to filming this scene. Also, Tyler loves his J. Timberlake hat he’s rocking. I feel like it smells like Butch’s prison pillowcase at this point. It’s like, never stop trying to be in a boy band, Ty. Never! Teen Mom’s back…alright! Anyway, Cate screws horses and all is right with the world.
Later, Cate is driving Tyler’s truck and talks to the producer about struggling to not smoke pot, how all her friends in “rehab” were junkies and she liked them the best. Now she complains she’s addicted to pot and how Tyler likes to smoke every night before bed. You know what I like to do every night before bed? Drink a glass of water. I guess that’s why no one will ever give me my own TV show. Imagine what that would be like? Me drinking water and sitting quietly as I recap Teen Mom. Good times. Oh, and Cate backed Tyler’s truck into a pole. It’s scratched. She tries to brush the dent away with her fingers. I hope she’s high again.
I have to be honest I hate recapping Catelynn’s scenes. It’s such a bore. Is there, like, another kid she can give up for adoption? I miss Brandon and Teresa. Oh and was it just me or did you squirm when Cate was shoveling in her Chinese food and Ty just goes, “So you’re really indulging, huh?” There’s something about watching them eat on camera that makes me lose my appetite. I actually kind of felt bad for her, but then again was like stop ordering in! I guess what else do you do if you live where they do?
In the end, Ty’s mom Kim comes over and I’m pretty sure she’s a postal worker which is awweeeesome! She’s there for two minutes and is like, “Cate you were high the other night, right?” Cate said she doesn’t want to talk about it on camera and doesn’t want everyone to know and I’m thinking it’s finally getting interesting. And then that was the end of the episode. Awesome.
Maci – Had her 4th or 5th baby.