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Teen Mom Recap: So Many Ugly Cries So Little Time

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Farrah – Death is never an easy topic to discuss, but luckily for us fans of Ye Ole Teenage Mother we get to chat about it typically upwards of 10 times per season and, well, last night was no different.  When Farrah gets a case of the sleepies from filming fights with her mother and trying to pretend she didn’t do porn for profit, she likes to bring us all on a journey to where Daddy Derrick is currently living.  Spoiler Alert:  Heaven.  Since we can’t go to heaven (as most of us already have a 7pm reservation for hell) Farrah has to bring us and Baby Goop on a short plane ride to the cemetery where Daddy Derrick is currently buried.  I say “currently” because there is no doubt in my mind she’ll eventually dig up the body, stuff it with goose feathers from her down comforter and play a little game of Weekend at Bernies with him.  Who’s with me?

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Here’s the thing.  I know it’s sad that Daddy Derrick died (most likely to escape the grip of Farrah), but I nervously chuckled when she was showing pictures of their prom to Baby Goop and other memorabilia, including the newspaper article covering his untimely accident and Baby Goop made Farrah read it.  That little minx must certainly give Abuelita from Dora the Explorer a run for her dinero, if you catch my drift.  I mean, I don’t, but whatever.  I also chuckled a little when I realized that the car service scene from the airport to Daddy Derrick’s family was basically like Driving Miss Daisy Part II:  Porn Boogaloo.  Just me? Poor Baby Goop really misses her daddy that she sadly never met and begins talking in a demonic voice all whilst chanting that she wants to die.  I believe it went something like this:  I want to die! I want to die!  I want to die!  I found it most fascinating because I, too, was oddly enough chanting that same thing when I turned on MTV at 10pm last night.

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Farrah gives us some of the best ugly cries we’ve seen in seasons last night, especially when she was in the car with Sophia and then later when she met up with Daddy Derrick’s family at what I can only assume was a Dave & Busters.  Honestly, what can those people really be thinking?  Not only are they filming a TV show, but the Glowworm that just entered the scene also did back to back porn.  I bet the father is like, “Lemme see dem boobies!” all whilst cartoon eyes shoot out of his head and a train whistle sound effect chimes in.

Also, I want Farrah to go into intense therapy.  Why is she still so upset and ugly crying to the 10th power 8 years later when even his parents are like, “eh, whatever.”  I’m not saying she shouldn’t feel sad, it’s just that the level of tears is equivalent to the funeral.  Plus, she was 16 when they dated and she got knocked to the up.  I mean, all these years later I’m not still upset I never went on to play basketball in college and then eventually professionally for the Celtics.  I was 16.  Nothing when I was 16 was (a) even real or (b) really counts anyway.  Either way, Farrah’s scenes were a real downer.  Bring on next week when Debra sasses.

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Catelynn – It’s just days before the wedding of the century and Catelynn can’t seem to pull herself out of bed due to anxiety.  Again, what’s with the heavy topics this week?  Since the wedding is 4 hours away, Cate and Ty rented a house so the whole family can stay together and get ready for the wedding.  And by “whole family” I of course me “Butch and April.”  I slow clapped the hell out of that because, FINALLY, it’s the reunion we’ve all been waiting for.  Butch is sober.  April is sober.  And both of them look about 30 years older than their actual age.  So you know it’s a match made in white trash heaven…or at least purgatory.

Watching Butch and April interact all whilst April’s new (5th) husband is kicking around was pure joy.  Is it wrong that I want them two to get back together?  I mean, minus the punches to the neck and regular police involvement they seemed like a solid couple.  Oh, and remember April’s antique business she started up a few seasons ago?  Anyone remember what they hell the stats of that store is?  I need to know as I am in process of planning a field trip to go visit her/buy her crap.  I know she basically owns a yard sale with a roof, but still.  Good for her.  Anyjunk,  you could cut the sexual tension with a court approved knife.  You totally know April was in heat over Butch’s newly dyed hair and, well, I’m sure Butch can’t resist April’s under-eye circles that alert the public when there will be 6 more weeks of winter.  Sadly, Butch was feeling pretty blue about April flaunting her new husband in front of her old husband and he had to retire to a campground where his trailer could be set up.  I shit you not.
Here’s the other thing. I like Butch.  I really do.  I mean I’m sure he’s a nightmare of a parent and will come back to earth in his next life as an ice cream cone, but I feel like he kinda sorta tries a little.  But, I cringe every time he legit asks Tyler when Brandon and Teresa want to meet him.  Ugh.  He’s like, “Are we meeting before the wedding or….”  Honestly, the only way these three will ever meet is via a Ouija Board one day when iCarly is having a sleepover with her gal pals.  Things took ANOTHER dark turn when Butch and Tyler were chatting about Butch’s life in prison and how Tyler tried to kill himself when he was 12.  Mind you, Tyler’s little brother, Nick, was sitting right there.  So Nick just goes, “Wait you tried to kill yourself?!”  And Tyler whispers to Butch, “I forgot he was there!” and then says to Nick, “No, no it was just something else.”  I mean, he then gives it 3 seconds and continues on with his convo with Butch saying he had rope burns around his neck for 2 weeks at school after he tried to hang himself in the backyard because Butch had gone back to prison for the 1000th time.  First off, they had a backyard?  And second of all, perhaps he should keep the Butch guilt down to a minimum since, you know, he’s trying to stay clean and sober for 2 years and it’s only been about 48 hours since he left prison.  Poor Butch (literally) starts to cry and says sorry.  I believe him.

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In the end, Cate and Ty bring iCarly 2.0 to go and meet Brandon, Teresa and iCarly 1.0 for their yearly visit.  Per usual, Brandon and Teresa are complete downers and won’t let MTV film anything.  Although they do let them show about 4 pictures from the reunion so at least we have that.  I noticed what I can only guess is a 2nd adopted child and it really made me hope that B & T would just be like, “We got another one so, here, have iCarly 1.0 back.”  Ugh, I wish!  Personally I think that Cate and Ty should totally pull a Taylor Swift and just buy a house across the street from Brandon and Teresa and be like, deal with it!  Oh, and I have good news and I have bad news.  The good news is that B & T are going to the wedding.  The bad news is that they told Cate they have no interest in meeting Butch because of the way he treated Catelynn and Tyler over the years.  Uh, way to not get involved.  Poor Cate is a ball of anxiety and is crying left and right by the end of the episode.  I hope Butch dispenses her some drugs to calm her down.

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Amber – Again, Amber is boring me to tears, which is bad for me but great for her.  I have to say, not only does Amber seem to have her stuff together, but she also seems kind of smart too, which is a deadly combo for a Teen Mom on this show.  Sadly, it makes her a bit of a snooze, but I guess that’s the price she has to pay for sobriety.  I still think her fiance, Sully from Boston, is a creep and that Amber has deep rooted daddy issues (not to be confused with Daddy Derrick issues), but who am I to judge?

Apparently, Gary has been served custody papers and he does’t think that Amber should get Leah 50% of the time.  I mean, it’s not like he’s having to give 50% of his pie, so calm the hell down.  Plus his girlfriend Kristina, you can tell, loves this drama.  Moreover, when Gary holds his new baby he looks like Shrek.  That is all.

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Amber’s mom is coming over in her new car so they can drive around wherever the hell they live and film some scenes.  Amber lets her mom know that they chose a date for the wedding and unless my hearing is off it’s in about 45 years.  Her mom is emotionless and non-verbal when Amber tells her this.  She just shakes her head up and down to acknowledge that she understands how the calendar works.  More importantly, what the hell kind of car is Amber’s mom driving?!  She should have a bumper sticker on the back that just simply says, “MTV Money.”  Good for her.  I’m indifferent.  Also, kudos to her thinking that this wedding to Sully is just practice for her next wedding.  Is it just me or do you want Amber to get full custody, move to LA and start filming another reality show…where she eventually loses custody again and then goes back to Teen Mom and this series never ends?

Maci – Went on another trip.

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