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Teen Mom Recap: The One Where Farrah Learns How to Assault from Debra

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After the flu last week, both Teen Mom and I are back!  And look at that…just in time for the season finale.  Ole!

Farrah – Things are really looking like they’re on the up and up for Farrah and Farrah’s frozen face-o-horror.  First off, Simon is back!  I mean, that man can certainly take a beating!  Simon almost looked like he was going to be physically sick when he told Farrah he missed her and is glad she’s moving to LA so she can be closer to him.  He also looked a little shocked.  Almost like it just hit him that he needs to clean up all the prostitutes that I assume are littered all over his house.  He’ll have to sweep the ‘tutes under the bed before The Big F gets there, that’s for sure!  Amiright?

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Since Simon is back it only makes sense that Farrah begins her full-court press on getting engaged.  She leaves him subtle little hints like, “Get me a ring” and “Where’s my ring?”  Also, I almost hate when Farrah calls him “babe” as much as when Debra calls Farrah “baby.”  Can’t people just speak in their regular voice? You know, like adults?  Either way, Michael is in heat over the idea that Simon may propose to Farrah…although I’m pretty sure Simon hasn’t said a word about that. At all.  Not even once.  Eh, they don’t need him to agree in order for Farrah to get engaged.  They basically just need a body.  They can “Weekend at Bernie’s” him for the entire engagement and wedding.

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The Big F showed us how relatable she is when she and Simon go engagement ring shopping.  She looks like a confused Glow Worm when the jeweler shows her a ring that’s ‘only’ $17,000.  She demands to see the most expensive ring in the store ($32,000) because she claims she spends more money on her clothes regularly.  Teen Moms…they’re just like us!  Also, for those of you playing along at home right now….Daddy Derrick.  Drink! ?

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As a side note, how crazy is all this Kesha stuff?  Jenelle must be fundraising her party-girl ass off!

Meanwhile, Farrah is off to LA so she can find a new home for Baby Goop and herself.  I believe she needs at least 3,000 square feet as that’s how much space Goop needs to wreak absolute havoc on the regular.  Most of the houses she’s looking at are perfect for filming some upcoming porn, you know, just incase.  One of the homes, however, she wouldn’t even get out of the car for.  In fact, Debra is so pissed that the house wasn’t to Farrah’s liking she basically verbally stabs the poor realtor to the point where Goop steps in and hits Debra. All three of them will wind up in prison one day, for sure.  Hopefully together.  And hopefully it’s filmed.  And how many eye rolls can one possibly give when we have to hear Goop (in that demonic baby voice) tell Simon she wants her mom to have another baby right now.  Gross.

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By the end, it’s the fight we’ve been waiting for all season!  Larry, the exec producer, and Farrah are in a junior high fight over MTV not allowing Farrah to film another reality show on another network with Debra and because of that Farrah says she’s done filming for Teen Mom since she’s held up her part of the bargain.  I love shrewd business-talk like that.  The fight didn’t start off that bad, actually.  Farrah came out of the house and smiled as she degraded Larry.  She laughed as she told him to take his little ass back to MTV and contact her lawyer…but later the laughs turned to venomous tears as she asked him if he was white trash and only hung out with white trash.  I was like, huh?  Not sure where she was going with that, but I always enjoy a white trash reference.  Larry finally held his ground and said that MTV gave Farrah her start and made her famous, to which Farrah started to ugly cry and say that “Daddy Derrick” dying is what got Teen Mom picked up.  I’m sorry, what now?  She then cries and says they weren’t there for her and doesn’t pay her well and then she pushed poor Larry and claimed she’ll never work with them ever again.  Meaning…see you next Tuesday season!  All I have to say is thank God Debra wasn’t there or Larry would have been sliced and diced with multiple sets of knives all whilst the most deranged Who from Whoville talked baby talk to him.

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Amber –  Honestly, for an episode that was 2 hours (ugh I know) not much really happened with Amber and Sully.  I mean, they finally finished that $14.75 house they bought and flipped.  It’s now on the market for like $23.89 so make an offer today!  Did anyone think it was odd that the appliances where kind of just thrown around the kitchen?  And I’m pretty sure I saw a twin-bed next to the stove.  Ok, I made that part up.

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Per usual, Amber wants to spend more time with Boo Boo and Gary won’t really let her so it’s time to talk about “court” and a “custody agreement” for the 17,000th  time during this series.  That will have to be put on hold for a second because (and I may have been falling asleep, for real) but I’m pretty sure we were informed that Gar Bear and Kristina got engaged on a Saturday and then got married that following Monday.  How romantic.  I know so many women who dream of that ultimate Monday late-afternoon wedding.  Evidently, Kristina wore like a potato sack and Gary wore that baseball hat that, legit, is basically just stapled to the top of his head.  This was the first time I really looked at Gary and thought, “Wow.  He really is like the Mr. Potato Head of our generation.”  The hat.  The glasses.  It all makes sense now.

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Sully and Amber are confused by Gary’s new marriage and, therefore, Sully took a shot at Gary by saying on camera that he weighs just shy of 600 pounds.  Awww that’s mean.  And inaccurate.  He must be tipping the scales at around 700.  We all know it.  They also try to say that, sure they were addicted to drugs, but Gary is addicted to food.  Honestly, they’re kind of right.  Is one addiction worse than the other?  Which is the addiction where you karate kick through a glass window and land on the front lawn? Whichever that is I’d say that would be the worse addition.

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In “nice news” Gar Bear is “allowing” Leah to go to Florida with Amber and her family for Christmas…but, uh, none of that trip was filmed so, well, who cares?  Amber decides she’s going to offer Gary child support in exchange for 50/50 custody.  Gary agrees…to taking the money, but not the 50/50 custody so Amber calls him out on it (after she finds one of her 200 cats living under the house) and, in the end, Gary agrees to 50/50 custody…although Leah will still officially live with him.  Amber’s like, “whatever.”  Why won’t she just go to court and get legit custody of Leah?  I mean, I don’t fully care but a court scene every now and then wouldn’t kill us and it would at least get Ambjikistan off the couch!

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Catelynn –  Sad Suzie is still having a tough time getting out of bed and wants to sleep until 1pm because she’s dealing with mental illness.  Ugh, who isn’t?!  I mean, I certainly am. I’m self diagnosed because I just assume anyone who would watch this show and then write about it has to be mentally unstable to say the least.  Tyler is chatting it up with his mom about Catelynn going through something right now and everyone is convinced it’s postpartum depression.  Can you have that a year later?  I assume yes.  Although I’m not a doctor…but I am pretty bad ass when it comes to Google searches so I guess I basically am a doctor of sorts.

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Anyway, it’s time for baby Nova’s 1st birthday and everyone is in quite the poverty-stricken pickle because Butch and April still aren’t allowed to be near each other due to that pesky “court order.”  I guess Butch could go back to the slammer if they’re together in the same place at the same time.  Um, weren’t they together earlier this season…and on camera!?  Bon voyage Butch!  Good luck being someone’s daddy in prison again!

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Everyone is super stressed out about this damn birthday party and so the only solution they can come up with is to have April at the birthday party to watch Nova blow out her candles…then send her on her way and call Butch and have him come to watch Nova blow out the candles on a second cake.  Welcome diabetes!

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Here’s the thing about Butch.  For me, this season I really think Butch is trying his best and trying to make good decisions and I applaud him for that.  I mean, not literally, as my body rejects any form of exercise.  And, even though Butch is sober I still find him entertaining and fascinating all at the same time.  So at least that’s promising.  I hope he’s back next season and doesn’t go all Kim Richards on us.  I mean, I guess I do hope for that a little bit…but not enough to make him go to jail again or anything.

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