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Teen Mom Recap: The Wedding of the Century

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Catelynn – It’s the day we’ve all been waiting for, I assume.  It’s Cate and Tyler’s wedding day!  Well, they have to have the rehearsal first.  It’s at a castle.  Everyone is wearing shorts and tank tops of sorts.  The wind has been let out of Butch’s sail because Tyler had to let him know (when he picked him up at the campground, as you would) that Teresa and Brandon don’t want iCarly 1.0 to meet him at the wedding because they’re pretty sure that he’ll hollow her out and use her as drug mule.  Butch almost sort of understands, but is also very sad about this.  Poor Butch.  You spend the majority of your life in prison, get out for three weeks and people just won’t cut you some slack.  That probably explains why when at the rehearsal dinner, that I suspect was at a Long John Silvers, Butch got a little case of the sads when toasting Tyler and saying what a bad father he was.  Tyler just kept saying, “That’s ok dad” so I guess the problem is solved.  Then Tyler’s sister slapped Butch on the back and said, “We still love you f**k head” to which he responded something about her being a bitch.  This has Hallmark written all over it.

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The wedding itself was everything I could have wished for and more.  And less.  I was very surprised at how nice everything was.  April must have cashed in all her Twisted Tea bottles from yesteryear to the redemption center because she looked great and her dress was definitely not from Dress Barn.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Butch is dressed like he’s one of those kids who wears a top hat to prom because he feels like props always need to be a thing.  Tyler’s mom is dressed to the nines and looks like a ten and most likely charges 5.  And there was even a “best woman” at this ceremony, which is great, and only took me 4 scenes to figure out what the hell was actually going on.  We learn that she was Tyler’s first girlfriend and then decided to buzz her hair and start doing chicks for the rest of her life.  Thank God or we would never have had Teen Mom or Butch in our lives.

Catelynn was a ball of nerves especially when her vail went missing, but other than that things went off without a hitch or however that saying goes.  Even Brandon, Teresa and iCarly 1.0 showed up.  Teresa went in to give Cate a pep talk pre-wedding and then basically thanked her for selling her first baby to her in the parking lot of a 7-11 in exchange for a stack of travelers checks and any extra Monopoly pieces she had from McDonald’s circa 2001.  I say it’s a fair trade.

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The wedding got emotional for many, like Tyler’s little brother Nick, who was balling it eyes out saying that Catelynn looked so pretty in her wedding dress.  I guess this is what happens when you see someone showered and brushed during the day?  Tyler read his vows to Catelynn, which was basically like her eulogy and everyone was crying, but no one more than him.  Cate’s vows were like, “We’re getting married today so no more fat jokes, legally speaking.”  The reception looked nice.  I was confused by why everyone was wearing face masks, but I still have a hard time decoding the mating rituals of the poor.  I jest.  They have MTV money.  I’m poor.

During the reception people gave toasts, including Tyler’s sister.  Hers was interesting.  She basically said, “We had a terrible childhood because we didn’t have a dad and when we did he was in jail all the live-long-day.”  They kept showing Butch fixing his tie during this hate speech and I felt really bad for him.  You could tell he was like “F this” by the time things were underway because he really wanted to meet iCarly 1.0 even after they told him ‘no.’  So, welp, since Butch is never one to follow the rules or laws of society he decides to just go up to iCarly and say hello to her…all while Teresa gave him the side-eye like she could catch a petty crime prison sentence.  Even I cringed because this is all way too much.  It was nice, however, at the end when iCarly 1.0, iCarly 2.0, Cate, Tyler and Brandon and Teresa all danced a slow song while all the other Teen Mom’s cried in the crowd.  Per usual, Tyler was crying the most and saying it was the best day of his life.  That was nice.  He should have just been like, “We have money now so we keep iCarly 1.0, yes?”  I’m sure Teresa would be fine with it.

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Farrah – It’s amazing to me how Farrah can top herself week after week by being the worst person in America and certain parts of Canada.  I find myself watching and wondering why ISIS isn’t trying to take care of this.  I mean, Farrah has to be somewhere up on their list, no?  Either way, Farrah is still getting ready to go to the UK and is trying to figure out who can take care of Baby Goop and her satanic tantrums whilst she’s gone.  It was originally going to be Debra, but since Farrah thinks Debra is basically a Who-devil from Who-ville, she’s having second thoughts.  Plus, it seems like Baby Goop can’t stand her anyway.  So, Farrah decides to have Michael watch Sophia and has to break the news to Debra.  This should go well.  Personally, I don’t know if I’d get on the bad side of someone who once pulled a knife on me and the cops, but that’s just me.  I have different strategies then some people I guess.

It was super interesting to see Sophia freak when Farrah had to call Debra and yell at her in a monotone voice.  Sophia didn’t want to hear Debra cry because it made her uncomfortable.  Ironically, it also makes dogs uncomfortable because Debra’s cry is so damn high-pitched.  Debra can’t seem to understand why Farrah doesn’t want her watching Baby Goop and feels like she’s being punished for something.  Maybe she’s being punished for teasing Goop with that giant stuffed animal snake in the back seat.  Or maybe she’s just being punished for chronic baby voice every time she’s around Farrah and Goop.  Or maybe she’s being punished for never really telling us what her actual job is and how she can afford that house.  I mean, the possibilities are endless.

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We also got to experience Farrah’s ugly cry so many times in this episode.  It was equally as exciting to see Farrah’s old time therapist again.  Although I was sad to see her old spiked hairdo gone.  I guess everything evolves…even in Nebraska.  Is that where they even live?  I’m confused.  I’m also confused by Debra saying that she had lost her job because of Farrah.  I figured she lost her job because of that time she hit Farrah, the cops were called, she pulled a knife, was arrested and then was filmed picking up trash on the side of the highway with her chain-gang friends all whilst using that beloved trash claw.  So, not because of that?

By the end, things take a turn for the worst (or for the best in our case) when Debra invites Farrah and Baby Goop over for dinner and then freaks the F out.  She’s still pissed about not landing that babysitting gig and so starts slamming plates down and literally throwing glasses and silverware into the sink.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  She then is telling the producers and the camera crew that no one cares about her and her feelings and that she doesn’t care anymore.  Of course this is all freaking out Baby Goop who just wishes she could go back to simpler times, you know, like when her mom did porn.  At least those people were friendly!

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Amber – Things keep on looking up for Amber.  This week she’s basically in a different show altogether where she and Sully flip houses, which makes complete sense since they know nothing about fixing up houses.  However, I like Amber’s ambition since she wants to turn a profit in order to start opening up sober living facilities.  Since she’s looking to invest around $20,000 in this she’ll only have to flip 756 houses before she has enough money for that sober living dream.

The first house they look at was a real gem.  And so was the lady who was showing it to them!  Sometimes I wish there was just a show about the random extras.  Anyway, the first house was basically down to the studs and was partially on fire.  So there’s that.  It was also in the worst part of town.  I think Sully thinks a coat of paint is all that it needs even after Amber almost fell through the floor.  Unfortunately they didn’t get that house, but they did get another that wasn’t too bad.  I believe it sold for $18,000 so, just in case your keeping track at home, that 16 year old who just cut you off on the highway yesterday?  Yeah, his car (that he owns himself) was worth around $28,000.  So, you know, just to put all this into perspective.

I kinda wish that Amber would be able to flip Gary’s house.  Or just be able to flip him over in general.  Start small.  I still can’t seem to put my finger on Sully though, to be honest.  Usually I’m thinking he seems to be an ok guy who does love Amber and also loves being on TV and the like.  Then at other times I’m thinking this will end in disaster with him stealing all of her money.  It’s a real toss up.  Also, you know they’re running out of things to film with Amber when there’s a scene with her smelling her shoes on the way to Cate and Tyler’s wedding.   Can you imagine what scenes were edited out?!  Plus, there should be filler with more of Gary and his various business ventures.  MTV needs to breathe a little life into those two.  Hopefully we get that next week when Gary tells Amber that Sully has 7 different children.  What’s the big deal?  It worked for the Brady’s and the Huxtables.

Maci – Her boyfriend bought t-shirts and then they all had a Facebook photo shoot.

Plus:  Click here to witness many of the best Farrah Ugly Cries of all time!


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