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Teen Mom Recap: What’s Love Got to Do With It?

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Tonight on a very special episode of Teen Mom we deal with the delicate subject of domestic violence. Remember, abuse is never ok and if you know someone who is in an April and Butch style situation please let them know that, well, no one likes a snitch so take it to the grave. God is love, Rev Run.

Oh.  And be sure to click here and join me on my Facebook page.  It’ll be fun/horrible!

Catelynn April and Butch – Catelynn is busy working away at what I can only assume is a Fashion Bug in a strip mall which sells lots-o-gold jewelry and probably those Bugs Bunny and Tasmanian Devil t-shirts where, you know, they show the characters on the front and the back.  Ooo la la.  I know.  It’s very big in Milan right now and, well, those third world countries where the starving kids get outdated t-shirts for warmth.  Eh, anything to keep the flies off their stomachs.  Meanwhile, Tyler Perry is back in the trailer sitting on sliced up puffy leather chairs when April gives him a call.  Creepily he says, “Hi Mom!” when he answers.  I’m sure Kim’s old perm is rolling over in its grave when it hears crap like that.  April unfortunately needs to break the news to Ty Ty Banks that Butch is back in the slammer because he beat the bag out of her again.  Apparently April thinks that Butch was “on something” because he didn’t “look like himself” and freaked out when she was on the phone talking to her girlfriend.  How did it not look like Butch?  I mean it’s not like suddenly he’s retired his wife-beater and snipped off his rat-tail-mullet, did he?  I actually felt bad for April because she claims she was really roughed up.  I did, however, squeal with delight when she said (and I quote), “I look like I got ran over by a truck.”  I mean, same/same no?  I’m sure the folks down at the police station were like, “April you look exactly the same as always, are you sure he ‘loved on you’ with his fists?”  And Tyler, on the other end, just reacts like April informed him that someone is already bringing cupcakes for dessert this Christmas so he needs to figure out another dessert to make.  He’s like, “Ugh, Okaaaaay.”  I’m sure he couldn’t muster up enough strength to get angry, you know, with all that gold weighing him down.  Oh, and my personal favorite was when he texted Catelynn the news.  It was like, “My dad went back to prison.  He beat up your mom.  Bring home eggs.  Also, bring home more gold chains.  Xoxo Ty Ty.”

Unfortunately we won’t be able to see the beat down between Butch and April, but I have a feeling it went down a little something like this. Now you must understand that the touch of your hand makes my pulse react. That it’s only the thrill of a boy meeting girl, opposites attract. It’s physical. Only logical. You must try to ignore that it means more than that, whoa whoa. What’s love got to do, got to do with it. What’s love, but a secondhand emotion. What’s love got to do, got to do with it. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken. But I digress. I’m sure shortly after Butch, high on “the meth” confused April for “Bonk” and thought his Rice Krispies were trying to kill him so he slapped at April all whilst she tried to put out cigarettes on his mullet. From there I’m sure she bolted out of the house, running across the highway in a white pants-suit, ran into a Howard Johnson’s and went to the front desk (all bloody) and saying to the night worker, “My husband and I got into a fight tonight. I don’t have any money on me (or in my bank account) but if you could get me a room I promise I’ll pay you back.” And then she would start to take off her Twisted Tea cap necklace that she made as collateral for the room. I mean, if AnnaMae just “took five” maybe this would have never happened. Plus, if Butch treated April like education and, you know, ignored her he would probably be a free man today. You better eat the cake, AnnaMae!

However, Ty went over to visit April and find out exactly what happened.  It’s really quite the story.  As we know, April and Butch were next door having ” a few beers” which I’m pretty sure is code for “doing blow off a cows tail” when suddenly Butch thought April was talking to Nick’s dad over the phone.  I’m sorry, Butch isn’t Nick’s dad?  What?  I was wrong this whole time?  So Butch and April don’t have any children together?  Well clearly this must change immediately.  Let’s set up some conjugal visits stat!  So Butch freaked out and started playing “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition For the Poors” with April by slamming her head into the bathroom wall, causing a hole, and then somehow breaking the toilet seat.  I mean, let’s be honest…I’m sure the toilet seat was already broken and, well, the hole in the bathroom wall was probably from little Nick trying to Shawshank his way out of the trailer for good.  After Butch tied a towel around April’s neck and tried to choke her, she punched him over and over again and was screaming until her hillbilly friend called the police and took Butch away.  April sure is a Chatty Cathy with this story and now is talking all kinds of crazy about wanting to go to AA meetings with her friend and leaving Butch for good.  Obviously this is just “drunk talk” right now.

In the end, Ty and April chat about when Butch will really hit rock bottom and they decide that death will be his rock bottom.  Ty cries over thinking of going to his funeral and I cry thinking of Butch in a double-wide coffin with his rat-tail draped over the side of the casket.   April is really on the fence about what to do with Butch until Tyler shows April a text to Tyler from Butch that says he does love him, but how he loves cocaine more than him or anything else in his life.  Awww that’s so sweet.  My parents wrote that same message across my ice cream cake when I graduated from college.  I believe it said, “Congratulations!  We Love Cocaine More Than You.”  Then there were blue and yellow rosettes all around the top.  Eh, at least there were crushed up Oreo cookies inside.  I love that better than coke.  Why Cate didn’t want iCarly around any of this is beyond me.  She could have been there to help little Nick make that hole bigger.  Teamwork.  Geesh.

Amber – Well she’s fresh out of “the ‘hab” and Amber is doing better than ever.  She’s about 29 years old, looks 59, and is still studying for that pesky GED.  Jesus, just circle “C” for every answer and let the chips fall where they may.  I’m not quite sure how she can even see any of the questions with those fake eyelashes but, you know what, I’m not a fashionista.  At the same time, I’m also not a maxinista so, well, there’s that.  It’s a real lose/lose for me.  Since the cameras are-a-rollin’ Amby-Pants decides to call up Gary so she can say hello to Leah.  Apparently Leah is just about to go to sleep and Amber wants to drive over to spend five minutes with her, which is really sweet considering that she later claims she hasn’t seen Leah in a week.  Gary won’t let Amber come over for genuine reasons which include the fact that he thinks seeing Leah for only 5 minutes is a tease and will make her cry once Amber leaves.  Amber reacts beautifully to this by yelling and swearing at Gary and then freaking out on him when he swears back at her.  Looks like all that therapy was working!  #Cured

Since Amber can’t see Leah for 5 minutes this week she decides to take her troubles off her mind and focus on her FUPA so she’s heading to a little dinner with our beloved Krystal Meth.  I love how Amber always eats with one elbow on the table and her hand up by her giant head like she’s ready to punch the waiter square in the face if he were to ask if she’s ready to see a dessert menu.  Amber tells Krystal Meth that she can’t deal with life and is actually missing rehab and would rather be back there right now.  At least we now understand her train of thought for wanting to spend 5 years in “gel.”  Krystal takes it upon herself to call Gary and ask if Amber can see Leah the following day.  Gary immediately agrees and is pretty nice over the phone and then asks if Amber can hear him right now, to which Amber responds, “Yeah I can hear you fat ass!”  I immediately did the Scooby Doo “Ruh Roh” and ducked behind my laptop.  Then I realized Amber couldn’t see me so I came out of hiding…shaken but safe.  You know things are bad when Krystal Meth is the voice of reason asking Amber why she called Gary’s fat ass a fat ass when he was being nice to her.  Amber could have easily answered this question by these 6 little words:  I’m crazy.

The “next day” Amber is sitting around on her couch, per usual, waiting for Gary to drop off Leah so she can pretend to be a mother for the cameras.  When Gary doesn’t show up on time she calls him, yells at him, and then demands, “Bring me my daughter, fat ass.”  Amber is really hitting Gary where it hurts.  In the obesity.  Is it just me or is it odd that Amber starts yelling and swearing at Gary and as soon as he says one thing to her she’s always like, “Don’t cuss at me Gary!” and actually seems shocked that he’s yelling at her.  Like, where did this come from?  I forget, was Amber diagnosed with bipolar?  I don’t think that’s what she has as we never see her abnormally happy and carefree.  We only see the “downer” Ambjikistan.

Once Amber finally has Leah she teaches her things like her colors.  I’m pretty sure Amber got almost all of her colors right.  Well she missed blue, but I think Leah corrected her.  She should be teaching Leah how to converse with people through a glass wall and how to sneak a knife past the guards.  These are the things that a mother should teach her child.  In the end, Amber and Krystal Meth take their kids to McDonald’s and then to the park so they can focus on future obesity and then, you know, play afterwards.  Seriously, the last thing I’d want to do after eating McDonald’s is run.  I’d be doing Shasta McNasty in my pants immediately.  I mean, I feel the need to do it now just by typing the word “McDonald’s.”  While Amber is getting a bit on the boring side I still think it would be fascinating watching her live life in prison.  I may visit her just for the hell of it. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.

Farrah – Ever since Farrah has been receiving sexual pleasure from the likes of a man she’s been a lot happier lately.  Maybe if Debra could get drilled on the regular she’d be happy too and everyone could get along.  Perhaps if we all chip in and send Debra a vibrator in the shape of the Grinch that would be helpful.  We’re changing lives here at IBBB.  Anycindyloowho, since Farrah is getting d*ck she’s happy enough to take Baby Goop to ride a pony which I think is totally safe.  No, no I know Sophia will be safe.  I’m talking about the horse.  That animal shall be stabbed by whatever Goop can get her hands on.  Personally I like when Farrah tries to take a picture of Sophia on the horse and is like “say cheese” and Sophia makes this weird expression with her mouth.  Almost like she wants to eat your face.  Is it too early for braces?  Eh, I’m sure eventually Debra will punch her teeth out anyway.  Cost effective.

Baby Goop is “having a day” and wreaking havoc all over the apartment as Farrah tries to get ready for her first day of school.  Farrah is getting dressed up like she’s heading out to “da club” for the night and is even sporting a giant green hat like she’ll swing by the Kentucky Derby before her “art appreciation” class.  Sophia is acting like a 2-year old so Farrah puts her in time-out in her room all whilst Baby Goop cries and plots her revenge.  At least Farrah was nice enough to explain to Sophia that she’s “being weird right now.”  I’m sure that makes a 2-year old feel great.  Farrah drops off Sophia at one of her 6 babysitters and then heads off to class.  My money is on the fact that the babysitter will most likely sell Sophia on the black market and we’ll never see her again.  To my shock, Debra calls Farrah to wish her well on her first day of class and Farrah is actually nice to her.  I know.  She even ends her conversation with a smile and tells Debra she loves her.  I actually hit rewind on my DVR to make sure she was talking to Debra and not a producer.

Since Farrah finds happiness and self acceptance from random men, it’s clearly time that Sophia meet Daniel.  So, Farrah, Daniel, and Baby Goop all head out to a nice early-bird special.   At least Sophia won’t be passed out at the table like she was the last time.  Drunk.  I hate that I’m going to admit this right now, but Daniel actually appears to not be a complete douche-nozzle.  I’m not sure if he’ll stick around, but I’m sure eventually Farrah’s beaming personality and crazy-streak will scare him away for good.  I bet Debra will take the brunt of that break-up.  Sophia seems to be happy with Daniel as well.  I’m kidding.  She has no clue what is going on right now.  All she does know is that her entire life consisted of a camera crew in her face and a variety of babysitters.  In the end, the three of them go home so that Sophia can Skype with Debra and eventually Farrah can really double down on Daniels’ dinky.  It’s always such a thrill when we see Debra via “the Skype.”  I would absolutely love to Skype with her on the regular.  I’d put my laptop in bed with me, Skype with Debra, and pretend I was napping with her.  That’s not weird, right?  I’d even place a few knives in my bed so if I rolled over and started to feel a pinch and some blood I would think it was Debra giving me “love kisses” with the butcher knives.  I have a lot of problems.  A lot.

Maci – This bricks wanted to originally buy a house for $379,000, but ended up settling for one that was only $79,000.  Decent range.  I’m pretty sure the house they settled on was the same one that the 3 Little Pigs lived in.

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Episode Rating:  4 Anna Mae’s Eating the Damn Cake!