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Teen Mom Reunion Part One: Foreheads with a Side of Sass

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I’m glad that MTV decided to split this reunion up into two parts.  I think it technically takes that long to try and discover exactly where iCarly is hiding out.  Spoiler Alert:  Tajikistan.  I know, it’s usually the first place I look but the last place Dr. Drew looked.  Speaking of doctors who mainly appear on television, Dr. Drew has decided to semi-retire his trademark t-shirt and blazer in order to look older and more “available” to Farrah.  I mean, I assume that.  For some inexplicable reason Farrah appears to be dressed like Dorothy Zbornak so it only makes sense that Drew is dressed like Dr Harry Weston.  I’m kidding.  He’s clearly doing his best “Charlie Dietz.”  Anygultch, let’s see exactly what went down (besides Amber on her jail-house girlfriend) last night on “You Didn’t Graduate from High School, So Here’s Your Reunion:  Reunion.”

Before we can begin, Dr. Drew reads a “letter” from Amber who unfortunately couldn’t be there.  The letter was amazing.  She addressed it like she was winning an Academy Award.  She claims in her letter that she’s doing well, but is just dealing with a probation issue.  Aww that’s cute.  I hope your 5 years in jail is as wondrous as I imagine it to be.  Anyway,  we kick things off with Husky Kitty and someone who is supposed to be Tyler, but we all know that she’s actually sitting next to David Silver circa 1998 with his oversized bright red shirt and black vest.  I was waiting for him to sing a snippet of “Switch It Up” just to prove he was really from the 90210.  I’m relieved that Ty and Cate are no longer dressing like Bratz Dolls but just because Tyler is 10 feet tall doesn’t mean he always has to wear an XXL that would basically be swimming on Gary.  Catelynn looks nice.  She’s growing out her T-Boz bob, is still chasing waterfalls, don’t want no scrubs, and if she were to be wearing a hat…it would obviously be worn 2 da back.  For someone who sported braces for more than half her life I was surprised that when she smiled my initial reaction was that she should have kept them on for another 3-4 years.  Perhaps Butch melted down the metal from her retainer whilst drug use was in play.  One may never know.

Per usual, Cate and Tyler are doing awesome.  Yawn.  And, spoiler alert, they’ve set a date for their wedding.  Supposedly it’s in a year, but something tells me they’ll wait for Butch to be freed from the slammer so he can walk/chase Catelynn down the aisle.  Hopefully MTV will film this because clearly I want to see what it’s like when “trailer folk” decide to wed.  Seeing April fall off the wagon (both literally and figuratively) during the reception (at Olive Garden) is more than my simple little mind can take.  I hope their wedding colors are tan and orange, you know, in honor of Butch’s prison colors.  All of the wedding party will wear Butch’s tan sandals and, of course, be shackled.  As they should.  Anyway, Dr. Drew is sure to blow as much smoke up their arses as possible.  And we learn that Catelynn really loves to help girls who are in trouble who want to give up their children.  Where was she when Octomom was pushing them out?  You see, I think that Octomom jokes (3 years later) are just as funny today as they were back then.  At one point they had some chick in the audience ask Catelynn what should a girl do if she’s pregnant and wants to give up her baby, but also maybe keep it so she can stay with her man.  I love these Ricki Lake-style questions.  Catelynn rambled on for hours with her answer, but I kept yelling at my television, “Flush it.  F’n flush it.”  What did you yell?

Just when I lapsed into my 3rd coma of the evening they wheel out April who’s looking like hot sex on a cold plate.  I’m not quite sure what that means, but yet I’m sticking with it.  April has dyed her gray strings and is even sporting some high leather black boots that go right up to the knobby knee.  While some of you may think April is doing this because she is a “slave to fashion” I’m pretty sure that she likes her boots that high because you can store multiple Twisted Teas all up and down the leg.  She’s like a pioneer.  April is also about 72 minutes sober.  Good for her.  She should do shots to celebrate.  She has given up “the sauce” (which has taken decades off her facia bruta) but she can’t seem to quit Butch.  How can you blame her.  She’s addicted to the way his salt-and-pepper rat tail drips sweat in the summer heat.  At one point Drew makes them all push over on the couch so he can sit directly next to April and chat with her.  I thought he was going to try and slip it in but, alas, he did not.  He is a trained professional and only does that when the cameras are down.  Allegedly.  Out little April has apparently written a letter to Brandon and Teresa to let them know she’s sober now and would like to meet her “grand baby” sometime in the future.  I’m sure they called the FBI and put on plastic gloves when that letter arrived at their house.  It was probably written in crayon and sealed with Rainbow Brite stickers.  They probably poured a couple of glasses of wine and had a laugh or two over the letter.  Poor April (literally).  She’ll get to see iCarly when everything in The Jetson’s actually starts to happen.

We also learn that Tyler never sent Butch that letter that he wrote him because he doesn’t want to give up on the guy.  Well probably for that reason and the likelihood that Butch has a cellmate that will help him sound-out words is slim to none.  In the end, since there isn’t much more to talk with them about Dr Drew shows them a clip of their 16 & Pregnant episode when they had to give up their child.  Ah, awkward?  He asked how that makes them feel and they reply by saying, “Happy!”  Oh kids.  Yeah, it made me happy too…the way that seeing a homeless man with a tinfoil hat drinking a 6-pack makes me happy.  Catelynn leaves us with the thought that keeping a baby when you’re a teenager is too hard and she points out that none of the cast is still together.  I mean that’s sorta kinda almost true.  Farrah’s baby daddy died (to escape her) so that’s not really fair, Cate, but still.  Point taken.  I hope these two saved as much of their Teen Mom money as possible because things are about to get real, real soon.

Speaking of people who are dead (inside) enter Farrah.  She looks as happy as ever.  Every question that Dr. Drew asks her she kinda gives a “F U” answer.  So basically she’s the same as she was for the entire time we knew her…except she’s dressing like a resident of Boca Raton.  Ms. Gulch is a true sass-master when Drew asks her about her relationships with both Adam and Daniel.  Now I do remember Daniel, but who the hell was Adam?  More importantly, I couldn’t care less.  All I know is that Farrah seems to think that both these guys only wanted to be with her because she was “Farrah from Teen Mom.”  Of course they are.  It’s not like they’re after her for her worm-like ways and beaming personality.  Plus, she has a kid so who the hell wants to deal with that mess?  Oh, and tack on Debra…in which she could kill you.  So basically it’s a recipe for disaster…and blueberry muffins.  Just add blueberries.  Duh.

Farrah also spends some time telling her side of the story about what really happened with Daniel.  She claims at his friends party he was staring at her and then told her to take a cab back to the hotel.  Yeah, I don’t believe any of that.  I don’t think Drew did either because he kept asking her about her pressuring Daniel into getting engaged and getting a ring.  I legit have no clue what’s actually happening because suddenly Farrah starts spouting out nursery rhymes and saying “Yeah, little boy broke.”  I don’t even know what that means.  Is that like code for something?  Baa baa black sheep?  2 Legit 2 Quit?  I is be confuzed, please.  At least Farrah lets all the pervs of the world know that she is single and is looking to date older men.  I’m almost positive that Drew pitched a tent right then and there.  He was like, “Cut!” and then took his pants off to reveal his ding-a-ling wearing a t-shirt and blazer.  You knew that t-shirt was hiding around there somewhere!

Later, since even Drew seems bored he finally asks Farrah why she calls her father “Michael” and not “daddy bear.”  Ok I made that last part up. But he did ask.  Apparently Farrah claims that he did things growing up where she lost respect for him and therefore will only call him Michael.  Ahem, diddled, ahem.  She then says that her whole family basically bullies Michael into that name…and then she laughs. Oh she sure is her mother’s daughter.  When Drew asks why she doesn’t call Debra “Debra” Farrah just laughs and says that Debra wouldn’t be ok with that. Now that is definitely code for “She’ll butcher-knife the sh*t out of me.”  Speaking of “the claw” they end up bringing Debra out, who is dressed like a Delta “stewardess” from 1988 and, well, I’m ready for take-off.  They all admit that Debra really takes a beating from Farrah, but Farrah claims it’s justified since growing up Debra was always working and traveling (high priced escort?) and when she was in town she would just fight with Michael all the time.  Um, yeah and your point?  Isn’t that what marriage is all about?  I’m pretty sure it’s even in the Bible.  It’s right after the passage with that cute little story about the leper.  Wink wink.  I have no idea.  Anyway, Farrah is still upset even today because at Baby Goop’s birthday party Debra and Michael were acting like they wanted to get back together and spent every night going out and drinking.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  I totally knew these two hit the sauce on the regular.  I’m sure April is back stage right now drooling.

In the end, Farrah gave us multiple ugly-cries and multiple orgasms.  She is clearly still a hot mess and is about to bust at the seams the moment Goop throws one more thing at her head.  She’s still complaining about Derrick being gone and she’s still bummed that they were supposed to run away together to get away from their horrific families.  I’m glad things worked out the way they did, minus the whole dirt-nap scenario.  I think my life wouldn’t be as good without Debra and crew in it.  I am that pathetic.  Finally, Farrah ends up thanking Debra for being her mom and helping her with Goop and being “hard on her.”  Again, a shout out to the butcher knives obviously.  Debra, of course, starts to cry and talk in that extremely high pitched voice that only Stitch can actually hear.  She claims that she’s proud of Farrah for everything she has accomplished…getting pregnant at 16, embarrassing the family on national television, and getting her associates degree in “heating up pizza.”  I’d be proud too.

Join me on what the kids call “Facebook” by clicking here. Once we’re friends both of our lives will be changed forever.  Maybe we’ll even talk about our favorite episode of “The Weakest Link.”  Maybe we won’t.