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Teen Mom Reunion Recap: Let’s Slap a 5150 on Amber and Just Move on With Our Lives

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Well get out the toothpicks and place them in your eyes because we have a 2-hour commitment to Teen Mom ahead of us.  Will Butch surprise us all by storming the stage via a Jerry Springer moment?  Will Dr. Drew read a letter from the real Roseanne and Dan Conner giving some tough-love advice to Amber and Gary?  Will April drop her sex tape live on the air?  All these questions and less will and won’t be answered during the “long goodbye” which is the Teen Mom Reunion, hosted by Dr. Drew and his Weeble hair.

Farrah – We kick things off with Farrah, which is always quite the treat.  I’m going to miss Farrah as her massive underbite really makes me feel nostalgic for my favorite sitcom characters of the past, like Stephanie Judith Tanner.  How rude!  Dr. Drew makes sure to show Farrah a quick recap of of her scenes from the season and they’re nice to show Debra picking up trash with her claw one last time.  I feel like they may have done this just for me.  Thank you MTV!  They discuss that “horrible scam” that Farrah fell for and Dr. Drew asks her how it makes her feel.  Farrah says it makes her really mad and that she wants to “hunt them down.”  Well.  Don’t we have lofty goals?!  Now I usually don’t do this, but if Farrah is reading this I’d like to make her a special one-time offer.  I can help her “hunt down” her Craigslist scammer, but I’m going to need her to deposit my $8000 check and then mail me back $3000 of that for my “finders fee.”  It’s all legit, Farrah, but I’m going to need a money order and I’m going to need you to do this quickly or the King of Nigeria will not allow my dying mistress ample medicine while she’s on her death bed.  Thank you for your time.  Anyway, they really get into the background of Sophia’s dad and how Farrah feels about all of this and this is when we get a special guest appearance by the “ugly cry!”  Seriously, the “ugly cry” should get its own spinoff.  We also learn that Farrah kinda sorta, but not really, told Derrek that she was pregnant by calling him on the phone and saying that he needs to grow up soon and he’ll know why “when it gets here.”  Ohhh cryptic!  Seriously, she made it like a chain letter where if you send it to 12 people in the next 24 hours the Taco Bell dog will start dancing on your computer screen.  Moving on.  It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark.  Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart.  ‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night!  Enter Debra.  She’s wearing what I can only assume is Michael Jackson’s red “Thriller” jacket.  That’s cute.  It’s like all the Who’s in Whoville are putting on a play about the life and death of Michael Jackson and Debra landed the lead!  We learn that Farrah and her mom have a much better relationship now and how Farrah is having a really tough time getting past that first week of Derrek’s death.  We are greeted by the “ugly cry” again who is demanding more camera time.  Debra begins to tell her side of the story from when she was arrested.  She claims she was just opening the mail (insert: knife), and then was making lunch (insert: knife), and then all of a sudden Farrah comes in yelling and swearing and getting in her face so Debra pushed her away and ended up hitting her lip and then her lip hit her tooth.  Clearly, she’s blaming Farrah’s tooth.  If it hit her underbite, I’d buy her story.  Then, like slapstick comedy, Farrah tells her side of the story which includes her wanting to go grocery shopping and Debra starts opening up all of her mail and Farrah asks her to stop doing that so Debra hit her.  She then called the police and later the police rang the doorbell and Debra answered it carrying two knives from “cooking chilli”  and that’s when the police drew a 9 mm gun in Debra’s face and told her to drop her weapons.  Oopsie!  Oh to be a fly on the wall that day!  They begin to fight a little bit more on stage when Farrah tells her how she goes to culinary school so she knows that you should never answer the door with knives in your hands.  Huh?  Is that what they teach in culinary school?  It’s like, Day 1: Making a roast.  Day 2: Don’t answer the door with your cooking knives.  Day 3: Souffle!   We also know that Debra had a premonition the night before Derrek died and asked Farrah to sleep in her bed with her.  Kinky.  I think Debra is trying to get a psychic spin-off on A&E.  Watch out Chip Coffey!  In the end someone from the audience gets to ask Farrah and Debra a question.  Ugh, why wasn’t I there!?  I would have been like, “Debra (1), Is the trash claw coming out on stage and (2) can you teach me some sweet Michael Jackson moves?”

Maci – Time for Maci!  This is exactly the order that I would have gone in too.  Dr. Drew asks Maci right away about Ryan.  Is he here?  Any chance that he’ll come out on stage and they’ll just exchange vows right then and there?  For some reason, Maci starts doing a little pity party about Farrah and telling Dr. Drew that Farrah has no friends or help and she could never have survived if she was in Farrah’s situation.  Yowza.  I sure hope Debra isn’t listening to this backstage and cooking chilli because we know how that will end up.  Anyway after a little chit-chat about Bint-Lee and the like, they bring out Kyle the Cartoon Albino Ghostly Bulldog!  What is different about his face?  Has he lost weight?  Gained weight?  Something is different.  Has he been stealing meth from good old April?  The possibilities are endless.  It’s like his forehead and his chin are both trying to eat the middle of his face and his nose and eyes have nowhere to run!  We learn that Kyle has yet to meet Ryan and that he really doesn’t like him.  So, uh, does this make Kyle “Richard” and Ryan “Chandler?”  If you’re like me and running “Friends” scenarios in your head you’ll see I’m dead on.  So did Dr. Drew really even help Kyle and Maci?  He basically questions why they broke up, why Maci took him back, why it’s important to tell a grown up Bint-Lee to not date a teen mom, and then he’s just like, “Thanks Kyle, that’s all.  Let’s meet Ryan next!”  Ryan finally makes it onto the stage after Kyle leaves (such a missed Springer opp).  Is Ryan wearing the same thing he wore to the last reunion?  Someone look into that.  Ryan doesn’t really like being on TV (selfish)  and he thinks that TV and editing made him look like a real “butt” (his words).  Maci then gives him a million examples where he did or said stupid things that had nothing to do with editing and how he did all that on his own.  After Drew talks to them more about their relationship,  I think that he may want them to get back together more than I do!  We end things by discussing Bint-Lee trying to get rid of his pacifier because he’s 2 yrs old and Ryan lets us all know that he used a bottle until he was 2 and he “turned out great!”  If by “great” you mean “knocked up a 16 yr old and landed yourself a successful TV show” then “yes” you did “turn out great.”

Catelynn – Finally it’s time for Catelynn and Tyler!  Where’s April?  Is it time for April yet?  Is she backstage?  Where is she?   I’m getting antsy.  Right off the bat we learn that Catelynn’s braces are off and apparently she’s taken parts from the braces, rolled it into a metal ball, and then inserted them into her face.  She’s also rocking a “Mad Men” haircut.  She’s looking good.  I think she lost some weight too.  She better not F all this up again by getting pregnant, although, it would make for a great Season 3.  Catelynn and Tyler are still sad about Carly, but know they made the right decision.  Dr. Drew brings up Catelynn lying to Tyler about her ex-boyfriend and why she lied and where that lying came from.  She should have just answered: “April to all of the above.”  Then he asks the question that’s been on my mind since 10:00pm EST.  Where’s Butch?  Butch!  Butcho!  Butchy!  Darl!  Snarlin’ Darlin’!  Darl Lynn Carolynn!  Well, the standard answer to that is “jail.”  Apparently he’s still in jail and Tyler has no idea if he’s also going to eventually get treatment in the ‘hab either.  Dr. Drew suggests that they both go to a special counseling for people who have loved ones in jail.  Seriously, how much counseling can these two go to and, more importantly, can they share some of that with Amber and Gary?  Then suddenly, it happens.  They are about to go to commercial and so they’re showing April standing backstage just kind of awkwardly looking at the camera.  She totally looked like Amy Poehler’s character from SNL.  You know, the one who’s like, “My name is Amber, I don’t got no  job, I fart in my sleep, and I’m rockin’ one leg…..jealous?”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  April finally makes it to stage.  I guess she hasn’t been reading my blog and specific entries about my “bangs” suggestions.   Hmmph.  April also looks pissed off when Dr. Drew introduces her.  You totally know that they’re not allowing her to have any Twisted Tea until she’s done taping this sh*t.  Then, they play a nice montage of April being a beast to Catelynn and when they cut back to April and Drew asks her about it she just says, “I can’t explain any of that.”  Then he asks if she has any regrets and she just says that she regrets anything mean she’s ever said to Catelynn.  Well, looks like someone has been coached on what to say within an inch of their life!  She should have just answered “meth” to every question and perhaps tossed in a “gelled rat-tail” for alternative answering.  Later she says that Cateylnn is an angel and then mocks her in front of Dr. Drew.  This is when Drew says that calling your daughter a b*tch and mocking her is actually emotional abuse.  April just rolls her eyes to this.  Drew then asks who April has as a support system and if she has any friends.  She doesn’t.  Oh no, this made me kind of sad.  April, I’ll be your friend!  I’d f’n love it!  This is when Tyler cries a little and tells April that she deserves more than she has and she deserves friends.  Awww.  I kind of love April.  Drew suggests a 12-step program because she’ll make some solid friends there.  Note to Self:  Join 12-step programs in Michigan in hopes of meeting April. Later we watch a home-video of Carly taking her first steps and Cate and Ty got to be there for it.  I hate these parts because it’s kind of sad.  Yeesh.  Bring out Butch…at least via satellite from “the ‘hab!”

Amber – Well there you have it.  Amber.  Earlier in the reunion she said that Leah is a little entertainer and she likes to dance.  Uh, I wonder where she learned to “sexy-dance” from?  Hopefully she doesn’t learn to beat the bag out of people like “mama” too.  They kick things off by talking about Amber taking her karate classes and how good and calm it makes her feel.  Really?  Calm?  She hit Gary in every episode.  When Drew, right off the bat, talks about Amber growing up in a house that had domestic violence and now she and Gary have the same situation she starts to cry.  She realizes she’s repeated the cycle with Leah and the tears are free flowing.  More importantly, however, is when Amber is crying and her hand is in front of her face we see that her hand is at white as can be, especially when it’s up against her orange face.  I was like, who’s damn albino hand is that?  Kyle, is that yours?  Giiiillly? Seriously, I think Amber is on suicide watch right now or at least she should be.  She says she feels like a low-life, has no desire to go back to school…or work…and doesn’t care about herself at all.  Personally, I think she should “sexy-dance” in order to help cheer herself up.  No joke, I think Amber needs immediate treatment.  Right now.  She’s been uncontrollably crying from the second she got on the stage.  Honestly, this is like a trainwreck.  The tears won’t stop. She claims she “whites out” and doesn’t even remember hitting Gary that many times.  She thought she just hit him once.  I kinda wish Drew asked her if she remembered literally trying to kick Gary in the “fat ass” down the stairs.  See?  I’m an investigative reporter like that and, well, Drew is just a simple doctor.  He doesn’t know the good questions to ask.  Later Gary comes out on stage looking like a slim little pixie (well, slim for Gary).  Amber won’t stop crying.  This really isn’t normal.  Drew shows the clip of Amber hitting Gary and then back on stage Amber is literally shaking, crying, and covering her ears all while doubled over.  Now I’m not a trained professional I need to keep saying that this isn’t normal, right?  Right?  Is it just me?  I feel like no one is doing anything.  This is intense.  I think she’s actually having a nervous breakdown on camera.  And now her makeup is running down her face like she’s LC filming a “sad scene” on The Hills (nice touch!).  Amber says that she’s desperate to get back with Gary.  I’m desperate to see Gary’s mom in her sage-green Easter suit, but you don’t see me crying about it, do you?  Spoiler Alert:  I am crying about it.  Dr. Drew drops a stat that 80-90% of small children who are in a house with domestic violence know exactly what’s going on.  That’s a scary stat.  Amber says that even when she and Gary hug, Leah comes over to them, tries to pull them apart, and yells “no!”  Uh, it’s probably because she thinks that Gar is going to eat Amber.  Also, I’m not sure that Gary dressed as a human bunny was good for Leah’s psychological state either.  In the end, Amber tells Gary that she’s really sorry and that she thinks really low of herself, which is why she pushes him away.  Someone call in the 5150 and let’s put this one to bed.

Amber Alert: The Today Show (this morning) just did an entire segment on Amber beating Gary on national television and how she’s being investigated by police and by child protective services.  Anne Curry and Matt Lauer kept saying how difficult it was to watch the scenes of Amber hitting Gary and calling him trash.  It’s like, stop trying to steal my Teen Mom thunder with your “successful journalism.”

Well folks that’s that.  To answer some of your question, “yes” I plan on recapping 16 & Pregnant.  I also currently recap the following shows so you should check them out:

Jersey Shore Recap
Real Housewives of Atlanta
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

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