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Teen Mom Recap: Butch Gets Visitors in Rehab and Writes Them a Story

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Things just don’t seem the same on TMOG without Farrah screaming at everyone.  Alas, we move forward.  Here’s the highlights from what went down last night on Teen Mom.

Catelynn – I love how it’s Visit a Butch at Rehab day in America.  I assume that’s like a national holiday.  Tyler and his sister Amber head out to visit Butch and awkwardly try not to judge him for all of his actions from his entire life.  Basically. They’re both nervous and are trying to figure out what Butch’s real problem is.  Um, drugs?  I’m sure there’s more to it than that, but let’s just boil it down to what’s happening.  They end up meeting with the manager of “the hab” and he’s filling them in that Butch has been doing well.  He’s writing, praying, meditating and will never be cured.  So there’s that.  Amber starts crying because she says she’s happy.  I’m guessing those tears are more about her realizing she lost her dealer.  Allegedly.  In all seriousness they seem hopeful that Butch will get through this so that’s great. I’m looking forward to seeing a zen Butch!

Butch is looking and feeling good, which is nice.  He’s been doing a lot of writing (we don’t know if he learned writing in rehab or have always known) and getting his feelings down on paper.  Since Butch is the Mother Goose of our generation he decides to read to his kids all the things he’s feeling and learning at “the ‘hab.” I was a little disappointed that nothing rhymed but, small steps, I guess.

Butch claims he was always the best at everything.  The best at home.  The best at work.  And the best at getting high.  I mean, did anyone factcheck those statements?  Ty’s sister, Amber, basically rolls her eyes and says, “Well you weren’t the best dad so you weren’t the best at everything.”  Ruh roh.  Hide yo needles, hide yo wife.  Butch agrees he wasn’t a good dad, but says he can’t rewrite that story.  So he decides he’s “thinking about” being the best grandfather.  He then cries a little and, to be honest, I totally hate when Butch cries.  Although could this be a trick?  Maybe he’s forcing the cry so he can drink the tears in hopes there’s some drug residue in there?  I don’t know how drugs or crying works.  Butch also thanks Tyler for giving him this high-class rehab and said he is so grateful for him (all whilst choking back tears).  Poor Butch!  I hope it sticks this time!

Amber – Starting out Amber’s scenes any other way than dry-heaving into a crinkled up Walgreens plastic shopping bag is just plain old pointless.  Amber isn’t feeling great and Dom DeLouise is helping her vomit out all her feelings and then, in his words, putting that bag in the freezer with the rest of them.  I know he’s kidding, but still wouldn’t be shocked if there are heads in there.

The unsung hero for the next scenes is, of course, Amber’s cousin Krystal (Meth).  I’ve always loved her.  She seems like a good person and down to knock over a 7-11 and the like.  She’s cooking up a storm for Amber and telling tales from her own days of being pregnant.  When they got onto the subject of ‘cravings’ she let it be known that with her second child she’d eat a chicken salad sandwich every day….from the local gas station.  I mean how the baby itself didn’t try to crawl out early just to get away from that meal is beyond me and, well, a true miracle that the Bible most definitely covers.  I think Mary Magdalene mentioned something similar.

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Amber’s pregnancy isn’t going the best.  She was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes and, well, she’s tired.  Apparently it makes you feel lazy and not want to do anything.  Wait, do I have it?!?  Dom DeLouise is busy Googling diets for people with diabetes and he’s doing it with about as much energy as Amber.  Poor thing.

At one point Dom asks Amber if she’s ready to change her diet (say it to her face) and then legit pulls a fruit cup with a fork in it off the carpet and starts to feed Amber large pieces of fruit.  I’m overly confused.  Who has fruit cups on standby?!  Is that a thing people do and I’m just behind?  I have so many questions.  Amber also explains that “the ‘betes” is tough and she doesn’t really want to be useful.  So there’s that.  She also says that this pregnancy it tougher than the first because of her age now.  Wait, she’s still like 25 right? Doesn’t that happen when you try to have a baby at, like, 45?  What did Janet Jackson say?  Does anyone know her?

Also, when Amber and Dom are filming dialog do you think the producers are ever like, “Can we film that again and can you guys put any form of energy into your conversations?”  It’s like work with us you two.  Not against us.  If Dom doesn’t like being on camera and can’t act normal they should cast a new boyfriend for Amber.  Perhaps Butch.  Dream big.

Even though Amber is still mad at Gary for talking smack on “the social media” she’s still picking up Leah to buy her a train.  The train comes to a quick halt when Amber overheats and gets sick and needs the store manager to get her a chair so she can sit down for a spell.  Leah is like, “Ugh, this b**ch again.”

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Meanwhile, since Farrah isn’t on the show anymore, we’re apparently now filming scenes with just Krystal.  She’s headed to her baby daddy house, but he won’t let them film there so she leaves her kids in the car and then comes back crying.  I’m not entirely sure what happened in the house, but she’s freaking out because he evidently won’t fix her brakes because of his girlfriend.  So Krystal is swearing and yelling and then pulls the car over because of her broken brakes (??) and then freaks out on the producer.  I’m sorry what is this show even about anymore?!

Maci – Talked about adopting.  Meanwhile, Mackenzie spilled the beans she was with child.  Can you sell it to Maci?

Farrah – R.I.P.