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The Hills: Operation Win Heidi Back

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It’s another double episode of The Hills and I have to admit I’m not really into the hour long committment. I’d rather a 30 minute episode and have them extend the season by a few weeks. This, my friends, is reason #1,547 why I am a loser. Moving on, in this creature double-feature we really get to see all of Lauren’s 3 friends show up for her birthday, check out Sandy Sanders (Stephanie Pratt) and what I assume is multiple wigs she is sporting, watch Audrina smile her way throughout another crapisode, and catch up on all things Whitney. Will Heidi and Steve Sanders continue to crack smiles during their “fights?” Will Whitney’s boss, Wednesday Adams, rip off her mask and declare that not only she is Lisa Loveless, but also declare jihad too? Will Kimberly finally admit she is no Elodie? All this won’t be answered this episode, but continue reading anyway. Here’s what went down on The Hills episodes “When Spencer Finds Out” and “Just Be Careful” last night:
  • I love how Lauren claims that everyone is out of town for the night of her birthday so she’s only going to celebrate with a few people. More like she’s a douche and no one wants to go. I’d totally go. I’d sit on her lap and take her glasses on and off for her. I’d also use my tounge to…..stir her martini if you know what I mean…and I think you do…cuz I’m a pervert.
  • Lauren is totally that girl in “college” that got all dressed up for class because her life is a ghetto fashion show that only she competes in. Check out everyone else standing near her in the opening scene wearing hooded sweatshirts t-shirts, etc and LC is in a black dress. Tramptasitc!
  • Steve Sanders is looking around Heidi’s “apartment” or the set of Heidi’s apartment like it looks so different. I’m pretty sure she slapped on some greyish green paint and called it a day. Actually, I’m pretty sure they filmed her last epsiode painting, but then I’m sure she stopped when the cameras stopped rolling and some poor little intern had to finish. I would like to be that intern. Thanks.
  • Does Heidi have big ears that we don’t know about? Even when her hair is stick-straight you can still see one of her ears popping out the side to say “hi.” Perhaps it’s trying to run from her head after it saw what she did to her nose, chin, and boobs. Can you have ear surgery? Heidi should add that to her chalkboard list of improvements.
  • What the hell are Steve Sanders and Heidi talking about!? Who wants to date him? And Heidi only says she doesn’t want to date anyone else because she can’t. Imagine being involved with either of these two? I’m pretty sure the criteria is to: fight while smiling, not blink (ever), push your eyebrowns together and look extremely puzzled whist asking a question, and carrying a boombox at all times.
  • So, uh, can Lo stop yelling “happy birthday” to Lauren’s face? No joke she keeps saying it. It’s kind of pathetic. Woo-hoo! We’re wearing party hats and drinking wine. Kill yourself.
  • Is it just me or does Sandy Sanders and Steve Sanders basically just live one apartment over from Heidi’s apartment. I think they just film a different side of the building when they say it’s “Stephanie’s Apartment.”
  • Yeah, um, is anyone going to acknowledge that Steve Sanders has about 15 different haircuts throughout this epsiode? First it’s short and straight and then it gets puffy and curly, like a perm that an elderly woman gets once a month and has her hair set in rollers.
  • Why is Sandy Sanders making such a big deal that Steve Sanders is sleeping on her couch and not working. Isn’t that what he did at his old apartment? I mean, he read a book once in a while but basically it was the same thing. It’s not like he’s a bum. I mean he’s a bum, but not a broke bum. Doesn’t Sandy Sanders know that her brother is rich from such things as starring in “The Hills” (maybe she doesn’t see the cameras following them) and also managing Heidi’s career (maybe she hasn’t seen him standing behind Heidi at events with the boombox).
  • I have 10 words for you: Operation Win Heidi Back.
  • Operation Win Heidi Back is an award winning plan that, I’m sure, has lots of twists and turn. I’m also sure it consists of not blinking while acting out the steps of the plan. He know’s he’s not actually a cartoon, right? It should be called “Operation Money Train.”
  • It’s Lauren’s sad and pathetic birthday with about 3 people, 2 of which are Sandy Sanders and that douche Roxy. Are people really named Roxy if you’re not a stipper, a porn star, or a club?
  • Lauren is absolutely shocked when someone brings out a birthday cake for her…on her birthday….at her birthday party. What are the odds. Don’t think you need a cake that big for the 3 people who showed up. Just saying.
  • Whitney’s dance moves are hot.
  • I’m convinced that Audrina is a robot. I mean that would explain her dead eyes and lifeless existance, but notice that when Lauren brings Audrina over to meet Stephanie and Roxy she shakes their hand and then looks right back at Lauren like, “Is this ok? What do I do now? Tell me what I should be doing next. What should my reaction be. Are we ok with this?” P.S –> Audrina, I’ve seen your boobs. We’ve all seen them. Nice work.
  • Heidi and Kimberly continue their reign of terror on their eyes and eyebrows when they are talking about Lauren and Sandy Sanders hanging out. They keep squinting. This is how I can tell they’re reading cue-cards.
  • Steve Sanders hair is back to a perm when he confronts Sandy Sanders about hanging out with LC at her b-day. Sandy Sanders starts to cry and I’m almost positive that the producers are sticking her with pins in the leg and then start shooting the scene again.
  • Sandy Sanders doesn’t want Steve Sanders to keep this fight going and he responds by constantly giving her a thumbs up sign. That’s a Sanders mating call, I believe.
  • I wonder if LCs “professor” minds that she and Sandy Sanders are talking all throughout class and that there’s a film crew their as well. Every time the “professor” or someone walks by them they quickly look up at them like they’re intruding on their conversation. People can be so rude in a classroom, not Lauren and Sandy Sanders..everyone else that’s there trying to learn without a film-crew. Rude.
  • Heidi totally started the sex tape rumor. While they won’t actually say “sex tape rumor” when Sandy Sanders and Heidi are talking they elude to it and Heidi reacts like a 9-year old that was caught cheating on her spelling test. However, the best part of the conversation is when Sandy Sanders tries to convince Heidi that she and Lauren are friends because they “have fashion in common.” Yeah, I’m guessing that the fashion class that Sandy Sander is in with Lauren is the only class that she’s taking…at all….and the producers are probably paying for it. I always blame the producers as I’m not really sure what a producer does, but I always see Liz Gately’s name at the end of the credits and I want to thank her for producing such a crapstatic show….and I want to be on it. So, Liz Gately from The Hills, if you’re out there….thank you. Call me.

Ugh Part II. If you’ve made it this far now’s the time to take a bathroom break. I’ve been typing so long that I’ve wet my pants 4 times. Moving on. Here’s how “Just Be Careful” went down:

  • Lauren is such a great friend. Whitney just got back from NYC and her brand new job and all Lauren does is talk about herself and her party. Just because the camera is on you, Lauren, doesn’t mean you can only talk about yourself. It can be a dialogue with another person. I know, crazy concept.
  • What’s up with Whitney and Lauren’s “name necklaces.” Didn’t girls used to wear those in 1995? By the way, you’re on The Hills….we know your names. Although, I’m sure it’s a friendly reassuring reminder for Whitney.
  • Uh, Whitney says her job was to “call models names” during a fashion show and Lauren says, “That’s like my ideal job.” Really. To call names? That’s what you want to do with your life? So calling names is more fun than being on a TV show? Hmmm. News to me.
  • Wow “People’s Revolution” breaks ALL the rules for “The Hills” because I already spot one black guy and 2 Asian dudes. I believe that’s a record for The Hills. I’m sure it was only an oversight on the producers behalf. Liz Gately, get on that.
  • Kelly CUNTrone has to be a made up character, I’m convinced. She still definitely looks like Wednesday Adams and is too miserable even for me. It’s like she’s running a sweatshop. Wait, that would kinda explain the excess of Asian workers. Anyway.
  • Whoa. Is Jessica “the publicist” actually Sally Field with bright red lipstick?
  • I wouldn’t last 2 minutes with Kelly Cuntrone. I’d have her in a headlock, but I’d be wearing surgical gloves as I’m sure she has lice. Filthy pig.
  • Can you hear the fear in Whitney’s voice when she’s talking to LC on the phone while at work? Is she being held hostage like those 400 women at that religious compound in Texas? Send me a signal Whitney and I’ll come rescue you!
  • What the hell “club” is Heidi and Sandy Sanders going to that’s on the street where the Hollywood Walk of Fame is? That area is a dump.
  • What a surprise. Audrina also happens to be there. As a sidenote, the girl sitting to the right of Audrina looks like Justin Bobby without a beard. Where is Justin Bobby, by the way?
  • Audrina looks like she doesn’t know what to do when Heidi sits down next to her. Probably because Lauren isn’t there to specifically instruct Audrina what to do, how to feel, and what to say. Geesh, even the cue cards don’t seem to be helping Audrina.
  • Uh, during their “conversation” did anyone else notice the song in the background changes about 15 times? How long did it take to film that scene?
  • I love when Whitney is at the gym. It always reminds me of the time when Whitney was doing “air punches.” Me gusta Whitney. She’s good people.
  • Oh Audrina is going to get it! Lauren is such the man in the relationship. Looks like Audrina is going to have to explain a black-eye in work tomorrow. Uh oh, did Audrina just talk back to Lauren? Yowza! She should duck the next time she talks back to Lauren because you know that fists will be flying.
  • Lauren shows up for “lunch” with Whitney at her job, but ends up helping her out….just like old times. Wow, I wonder if Lauren will end up working at People’s Revolution? That was sarcastic enough, right?
  • Does Audrina always answer the door without looking to see who it is first? If that’s the case I’m heading over there now.
  • Seriously, where did they get that “stuff” that’s supposed to be Heidi’s? It’s like a wooden box and a picture that Heidi claims her moms friend painted. Yup, because you definitely need all that stuff. “Props” to the props department at The Hills. It would have been awesome if when Heidi went to pick up her crap it really was like an orange street cone and fuzzy dice.
  • Uh oh. Audrina hasn’t learned her lesson yet. She tells LC that Heidi came over to pick up her stuff and I’m pretty sure that Lauren is trying to figure out ways to murder Audrina….or darken her teeth…..whatever is worse.
  • I seriously think that Audrina is going to piss herself while telling LC about Heidi coming over. Poor Audrina. A friendship based in a fear is a friendship filled with fun.

Finally, it’s over! Was that 1 hour or 6? Was I somehow tricked into a Hills marathon? Well that’s all until next week. Thanks for reading…if you even made is this far. Hopefully you read this during work where you can be as unproductive as necessary.

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