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The Hills Recap: Even While Lauren’s in Italy, Douchebaggery Will Ensue

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Similar to the Three’s Company episodes where Chrissy Snow would be “visiting her aunt in the mountains” and, therefore, would barely appear in the episode, Lauren Cockring is heading out of the country and the rest of the cast is tasked with carrying the show. Will LOser and Audrina exchange awkward blank stares? Will Heidi’s new chin, new boobs, new nose, and new lips get more camera time? Will we be fooled that DouK really wants to date Stephanie Pratt? All of this and much less will be answered. Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:
  • LC is peacing out and going to Italy where she was told, by someone, not to pack high-heels. I’m not quite sure who instills that rule, but Lauren is following it like she follows the weekly script. LOser and Audrina hug Lauren and say goodbye and wave goodbye to her about 15 times before she finally drives off. You know the producers are like, “We’re having a hard time filling the full 30 minutes, so if you could guys could say goodbye about 10 times and then stand there almost lifelike for an extra 6 seconds that would really help us out.”
  • Sandy Sanders stops by LC’s house and had to have Audrina buzz her in. Somehow this intercom is synced up to Audrina’s phone. Seriously, why is there a code to get in? And you know that Audrina’s code is like “1” because she can’t remember anything else.
  • Sandy Sanders tells Audrina that she looks so tanned. That tan really makes Audrina’s teeth pop! As the song goes, the darker the berry the whiter the teeth. At least I think that’s how the song goes.
  • Why is Lauren “phoneless” in Italy. I would believe that if Lauren jumped in a time machine and went to Italy in 1955, but there is something now called, “International Phone Service.” All they can do is email her. Email? What did Lauren pack her desktop computer with her? I mean, I pack my Apple IIc with me on all my trips, but that’s just so I can always play Oregon Trail no matter where I am. I try not to lose as many oxen as I can, but I always seem to have my wagon robbed while ready to ride my wooden raft on the good old Mississippi. But that’s just me. I’m a banker from Boston. That’s how I roll.
  • Anycrap, Sandy Sanders informs Audrina that DouK asked her out on a scripted date. She then is seriously puzzled how Lauren would ever find out. Oh, I know, I know! I know the answer to that! Um, you just told her scripted best friend AND you’re on a national television show. Again, those cameras, the boom mic over your head…oh, and you’re mic’d up. Yeah, all of those things are taking place because you’re on a television show. So, my guess is that if Lauren watches her own show she may find out. Just a guess though.
  • Heidi’s on the set of her “job” and wearing her Prairie Dawn dress and talking with d-bag Kimberly, who was kind enough to clip back her dirty bangs in this crapisode. She must read IBBB.
  • LOser and Audrina are out having lunch at Fred Segal. What the F is wrong with LOser? She literally has a coke, a lemonade, and a bottle of water on her tray. And then she’s like, “I’m soooo thirsty.” Yeah, I don’t know how any of this works, but I’m pretty sure you can get a yeast infection from drinking those three things all at the same time. Kids, ask your parents how you get a yeast infection.
  • Audrina’s aviator sunglasses are falling off her face and she needs to fix them about 15 times. I think the power of her teeth are pulling the glasses off her nose and towards her mouth. Her chicklets are like magnets!
  • The two discuss Sandy Sanders and DouK going out on a date. LOser has a scripted heart attack over the situation and Audrina asks why someone would want “sloppy seconds.” Right, Audrina, who would want sloppy seconds? Like for example, who would want to go out with someone who was technically on a date with you and then was caught kissing some other chick and then was caught grabbing this other chicks boobs while leaving the club? Who would want that? Oh that’s right, you did. You did when Justin Bobby did all those things. So don’t use big words like “sloppy seconds” if you don’t know what they mean. P.S fix those damn sunglasses.
  • Uh-oh, Audrina and LOser put on their best ice-skating costumes and headed out to GOA. What do you know, Heidi and Steve Sanders are there too and sitting directly behind them. We haven’t seen a scripted setup like this since LC and J Wahl were at Ketchup when Steve Sanders and Heidi walked in. What a treat.
  • LOser looks visibly terrified. She just sits there with this look on her face like she just did #2 in her pants and she doesn’t know what to do about it. Heidi and Audrina shoot the shit and LOser looks scared shitless. If my TV was scratch and sniff you totally know this scene would smell like poop from LOser’s pants. I end up farting and yelling at my TV that LOser did it. I must self-entertain whilst watching. Heidi invites Audrina and J Bob to go to that retarded skateboarding event that Heidi is “working” at tomorrow. Oh, if Lauren knew what was going on right now she’d have Audrina in a headlock.
  • At the X Games event Heidi and Steve Sanders are taking pictures of themselves that are totally going on Myspace. Audrina and Justin Bobby arrive and J Bob looks like he’s slept in a dumpster and stole clothes from the homeless man he slept with in said dumpster. Audrina suggests that she and Heidi get lunch, just the two of them. Lauren’s ears must be ringing like the phone she doesn’t have.
  • Ugh. The “date” starts with DouK and Sandy Sanders. She’s a real pistol. She sits her fat ass in the chair and is like, “Ugh, what’s going on in your life.” Then she asks about Brody and Lauren. Blah blah blah. DouK then scriptedly wants to bang Sandy Sanders because he asks her what’s she doing after this scripted date. Uh, yeah, DouK totally looks like he wants to bang her. He’d been squinting and shaking and saying, “Is it in yet? Are we done now?” OH MY GOD……so what porn set did Brody’s mom just walk off of? No joke, Brody’s mom just showed up at the restaurant and says hello to Sandy Sanders and DouK. I LOVE THIS. Brody’s mom shares the same 1984 facelift as her ex-husband Bruce Jenner. They must have got a 2-for-1 back in the day. I feel like the Solid Gold theme song must be playing wherever his mom walks.
  • Audrina and Chiara (her co-worker) are chatting outside at work. Does Chiara know that she’s on a television show? I get more dressed up to watch The Hills and there aren’t cameras around me. Chiara’s hair is a fright wig and she looks as pale as a ghost. Sitting next to Audrina it’s like Ebony and Ivory.
  • Du du duuuuuuun, Lauren is back from “Italy.” She was gone for about 2 days and claims she saw all that Italy has to offer. She’s the worst. Oh, it gets worse. She then says Italy is like one big “construction site” and all the guys whistle at you like they’re construction workers. This is simply wonderful marketing on Lauren’s part. I’m sure Italy is now dying to buy her new ghetto clothing line. She’s such a douche, really. Who says that. Yeah, I’m sure every guy was whistling at her. One homeless dude on the street probably asked her for spare change and she was in a huff thinking he was hitting on her. Ole!
  • It’s official. Audrina and LOser are 100% terrified of LC. They try to tell her that they ran into Heidi and Steve Sanders at GOA and they’re basically shaking while they tell her. And then Audrina goes, “oh, and we said ‘hi.'” Yeah, you said more than “hi.” You had a full on conversation. Lauren is now about a 4 on the “Pissed-o-Meter.”
  • Then Audrina tells LC that she and J Bob met up with Heidi and Steve Sanders just last night. She follows her statement by saying “surprise!” LOser immediately turns on Audrina and tells LC that it’s very shocking. At this point, LC is now registering at a 6 on the “Pissed-o-Meter.”
  • Audrina then tells LC that Sandy Sanders came over to ask her if she should go on a date with DouK. Well, LC just hit tilt on the “Pissed-O-Meter.” Both LOser and Audrina will be sleeping in the guest house tonight!
  • Later that night (in “Hills time,” so that probably means 3 months later) Brody and LC went to grab dinner and Brody tells LC that DouK and Sandy Sanders went out for dinner together. Brody spills the scripted beans that his mom called Brody to tell him and Brody said to his mom, “come again?” Yeah, I’m sure Brody’s mom heard that line once or twice before…..earlier that day, I’m assuming, when she was on the porn set.
  • Oh, poor Lauren. Sandy Sander betrayed her. Has Lauren lost ANOTHER friend? Forget Paris Hilton’s new show about finding a new BFF, give the people who are eliminated to Lauren.

So, next week, I could hardly careless about the Sandy Sanders/DouK thing. After seeing the previews I am beside myself with excitement because Heidi’s mom, Darlene, is in town and then does this horrifically ugly cry why she and Heidi are at lunch. I can’t wait. Oh, I hope she brought Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte! That equals world implosion!