The Hills Recap: Hawaii 5-Ho and the Case of the Biblical Virgin Twins

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  • The surprise that everyone has been waiting for.  The girls in their Hawaiian dresses/shirts (Lauren in her plaid boys toddler shirt) sneak up on Brody and douche crew who are laying down and drinking beers.  First off, the girls can’t really sneak up on them because Audrina is with them and her teeth can be seen from space (similar to the Great Wall of China).  Second, you know the camera crew was falling asleep while Brody and the d-bag gang were just sitting there talking about how happy they were.  I hope drugs were involved or I’m very concerned.
  • For some completely pointless reason, Heidi and Steve Sanders are in a bookstore.  I’d rather see them filming their scenes in a 25 car pile up.  Just me? Crickets.
  • Maybe Heidi was buying “Green Eggs and Hair Weave.”  No?  Let’s try this one….
  • Maybe Heidi was buying “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, My Lips Make Me Look Like a Blow Fish”  No? Let’s try this one….
  • Maybe Heidi was buying Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge-packer” and giving it to Spencer.  No? Let’s try this one…
  • Maybe Heidi was buying “How The Grinch Stole Heidi’s Old Face.”  Ok, I’m over it.
  • Heidi lets Steve Sanders know that her ex-boyfriend from 1st grade, Colby, is coming to town because, you know, that makes any kind of sense.  Colby goes to Bible college, so I’m sure that Steve Sanders won’t be tooling on him for that at all.  Survey says…..
  • Is it just me or are all the scenes from Hawaii in this episode only 15 seconds long? 
  • The crew are all becoming douche-stew in the hot tub and I’m going to say it…I can’t believe I’m going to say it….whatever Audrina has done to herself, medically, is working for her.  I actually think she’s looking good.  Not only do I feel like she filed down her beaver….teeth….but also she must have done something else to her face.  I think she looks good.  Oh, and I’m not drunk right now or anything.
  • Sidenote, Sandy Sanders looks like a pirate ready to hijack the hot tub. 
  • Colby and Ashley (randoms who are supposed to be the ex-bf of Heidi and his girlfriend, but who probably just answered an ad on Craigslist) show up for a nice awkward dinner with Heidi and Steve Sanders.
  • Heidi and Spencer are convinced that Colby is still a virgin because he goes to Bible college.  Are they getting paid everytime they say Bible college because they’ve said it about 10 times already.  Bible college.
  • BEST PART OF THE EPISODE/SEASON ALERT:  Ashley is telling Heidi how different she looks.  She literally says, “You look different, Colby’s mom showed me pictures.  You look so different. Yeah, you don’t even look like the same person!”  THANK YOU GOD!  I don’t even care if this was edited together. I say, brilliant editing!  Heidi just looks all around while Ashley is saying this.  GOD, this is why I wish I was on The Hills even for like 1 scene.  I would tee-off on Heidi so bad.  Damn it.  Damn it all to hell.
  • Heidi and Steve continue to react like Colby and Ashely are from Mars when they talk about saving themselves for marriage, not drinking, and sleeping in different rooms.  If I were Colby I would have been like, “Hey Spencer, where do your parents live?”  And then when he told me I would have nicely said, “Ok cool, because even though I’m a virgin I’m going to swing by your parents house after this and plow your mother.”  But that’s just me.  I’m charming like that.  The scene ends with Steve Sanders asking Colby on a boxing date for the next day.  Oh, and he takes a sip of his drink (which I think is actually water) and makes a face like he just chugged Vodka.  Fire Marshall Bill alert!
  • Sandy Sanders is trying to convince Audrina to hook up with Brody to get Justin Bobby back.  She should bet spending her time trying to convince the American public that (1) any of this matters (2) this storyline is 1% believable (3) her hair isn’t dog fur (4) she’s not back on meth.
  • Meanwhile, at the gym with Colby and Steve Sanders, Steve continues his rampage on Colby being a virgin.  Seriously is this a joke?  This is all they talk about.  Is Colby becoming the world’s most famous virgin, after the Virgin Mary, of course?  At one point, Steve Sanders actually tells him he is like an alien from another planet.  Now how come he says that to Colby, but not to Heidi after her multiple surgeries?  Hypocrite!
  • Oh God, it’s come to this.  All four are now sitting around and reading passages from the Bible.  If this was ever in Season 1, it would have been yanked off the air after 2 episodes.  How the Bibles are not bursting into flames in Heidi and Spencer’s hands is beyond me.  The power of Christ compels you!
  • Back on Hawaii 5-Ho, the gang is getting drunk-tank and they’re still editing this crap together like there is sexual tension (all of a sudden) between Brody and Audrina.  Again, who gives 4 F’s? 
  • Sidenote, Stephanie is so drunk that she can barely high-five the dude on the chair.  She’s either drunk or in the middle of a meth rage.  I hope it’s a meth rage.
  • Audrina calls Justin Bobby and then Brody comes in the room and spews out something random about if they were ever alone not with everyone.  I hit rewind about 3 times because I had no idea what he was talking about.  No joke, the last word he said I have no idea.  This all craps, big time.  I’m moving on.
  • Holy Next Morning, Batman:  Sandy Sanders looks like she just got finished with an island gang-bang the next morning.  The rumors flying around the room was that Audrina stayed in Brody’s room.  Oh no, how could this be?  Repeat that last sentence with a sarcastic overtone.
  • Brody and crew all cackle like young school girls pretending that Brody cheated on his girlfriend.  Audrina pops her teeth in the girls door and explains that if Jayde wants to start a war she can.
  • I’d like to go on record that unless Kristin Cavallari is in the next season of The Hills, I’m all done watching this swill.