The Hills Recap: Heidi and Spencer Get Married in Mexico Right After Heidi Gets Faux-Drunk and Says Every Stereotypical Spanish Word She Knows. Ole!

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Well folks, we are down to just one more Hills episode of the season after this one. I’m not going to lie, I kinda feel like I’m getting out of prison next week. Of course, after prison I do have 100 hours of community service I must fulfill which consists of me recapping “The City” but at least I’m not behind bars.
By the way, is it just me or was this episode of The Hills only about 15 minutes of footage, 6 minutes of intros into The Aftershow, and the rest of the time was commercials about The City and Bromance? Eh, better for me.
  • Welcome to Mexico, Steve Sanders and Heidi! I hope you got your tetanus shots and have some spare change to give to the little kids who try to sell you multi-packs of Chiclets outside of your hotel in the middle of the night because it’s going to be a loooong vacation. Oh, and did anyone else notice that when Heidi got out of the van at the hotel she had two of the same exact sun-hats stacked on top of each other? The props department will never learn.
  • Whitney gets the call at Pubic Revolution that she got the job at Diane Van Fartenburp and makes silly faces while Lauren does that stupid little baby-girl voice and Cheshire Cat smile. I will truly miss these times and by “truly miss” I, of course, mean “will black-out forever.”
  • Meanwhile back at Hotel de Montezuma’s Revenge in Mexico, Heidi and Steve Sanders literally try to film a romantic scene with Heidi pouring champagne and doing her best French accent. Yes, French. Only moments from now will she turn that French accent into stereotypical Spanish. However, in the meantime, while they are legit saying how “romantic this is” you can actually hear club music in the background and people chanting “ho ho ho ho” on the beach behind them which leads me to believe there is totally a wet t-shirt contest going on in the background and you know, you KNOW, Audrina is out there while Justin Bobby is throwing buckets of water on her chest and filming clips of it for YouTube. I’m pretty sure that’s not a sailboat going by way in the distance, it’s just Audrina smiling. Bam!
  • Where the hell does Audrina live, by the way? The front door is in like an alley and it kind of looks like the front of a convent. Sandy Sanders swings by Audrina’s because apparently these two are friends now…or there are no other cast members around to film scenes with today. Sandy is all freaked out that no one can find out where Heidi and Spencer are. No one? Really? I don’t know, maybe check Perez or Us Weekly? Just a thought. I mean, there’s paparazzi following them everywhere so maybe check one of those 3,000 sources. Justin Bobby does come up with a brilliant idea, however, in order to find them…..putting up signs. J Bob is the Ricky Ricardo of our generation.
  • FOR ALL THAT IS PURE AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD! What in the holy hell are Heidi and Steve Sanders doing? Taking shots of Patron? Dancing with their shoulders? I’m turning red and definitely suffering from secondhand embarrassment. Heidi kinda swings her hand across her forehead and yells “yo!” all whilst Steve Sanders shoulder dances to some Spanish music. Everyone kill yourselves….but me first.
  • Heidi lets us know that she was paying attention during her 6th grade Spanish class by saying the following phrases during her “faux-drinking” with Steve Sanders: Arriba, Loco en la Cabeza, and “Jose.” Although at one point she says, “I think I’ve had one to many Patron shots” in a Jamaican accent. No joke, it was Jamaican. Why didn’t someone yell “Cut!” and make her do it again.
  • I’m about to do two things right now. 1. I will comment on the number of times that Whitney fixed her headband during her going away party (15 times). 2. I’m going to say that I actually feel like Whitney is a really good person who comes from a great family. There, I said it. I don’t care that you’ll all judge me on that. I think her parents are actually proud of her that she’s doing an actual job and not just floating on the success of The Hills like Audrina and LOser…and Sandy Sanders…..and Lauren….and Heidi….and Steve Sanders….and Justin Bobby….and Nana Pratt (that whore).
  • Ok, back to Cabo. I think Heidi just chugged some champagne and then ate a lime. Nice try, you tricky little skank. Steve Sanders keeps on saying that they can have a secret wedding and no one will have to know. No one? Well, I know about it. Wanna know how I know? Because I’m watching The Hills…and you’re on it. Oh and Us Weekly is literally standing next to you with a camera crew who is standing next to MTV who is also filming this. Oh, and then you tipped off Perez Hilton, so I know about your secret wedding from that too.
  • Time to say peace out to Whitney! Whitney is nervous about moving to New York because she’s not sure how to go grocery shopping in the city. Sure, that’s a normal concern. Just do what everyone else does and walk to the grocery store in the middle of the night to pick up a few things and walk them back to your apartment one at a time. Oh, and bring your rape whistle. Best wishes Whitney! See you over at The City! I miss you already! I barely know what I’m doinK without you on The Hills.
  • Finally, for some reason we skip to the day after the actual wedding. Why are we only watching the footage of the wedding off of Steve Sanders video camera that has some fancy boom-mic attached to it?
  • Wait a second. Stop. Stop everything. Stop it all. Stop now. Stop. I thought they were “so drunk” from too much tequila and got married at night? Night? The video is showing them outside and it is either morning or afternoon. So they weren’t so much doing this based off of a drunk decision, but more so just possibly a little hungover. I feel tricked. I assumed that they were hammered when they literally got married and that they would go the route of the “Friends” episode in which they could get an annulment. However, if they were not drunk, no annulment. We can all learn a lot from “Friends.”
  • I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs. Jose Pratt-Patron. You may kiss the bride’s chin.

Next week we get to see Darlene Montag cry it up again at Case de Chin. Lauren and Heidi reunite and even from the 4 seconds of scenes that they showed Lauren looks like she is being held up at gun-point talking to Heidi and hugging Heidi. We also get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders go to the local courthouse to make the marriage official. You totally know that someone is busting into that wedding to stop it.

What did you guys think of this episode? And, more importantly, who tried to take their own life during the show? Come on, it’s ok. You can tell me.