The Hills Recap: Introducing Bill Montag, the American Version of Juan Valdez

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  • Yeeee Haw!  Bill Montag is coming to town!  Heidi alerts Spencer that her “real dad” is coming to town to meet him and that he’s a real life cowboy who will probably bring his shotgun with him to LA.  Really?  Are you allowed to bring a shotgun with you on the plane from the Wild Wild West to sunny Los Angeles?  Hmmm.  Maybe the FAA and government relaxed their rules a bit.  I mean, 9-11 was a while ago and not really that big of a deal so I’m sure “guns on planes” is totally acceptable now. 
  • Reunion Time!  Chiara is back!  You may remember Chiara as Audrina’s work sidekick who always looked like she left a ring around the tub.  Well, she’s back and still looks like she stinks like the basement of a church.  The boring conversation between Oddy and Chiara is livened up when someone dressed like a horse-like creature, carrying a horse-like head walks by.  This, in fact, proves to be the most interesting part of the entire episode.  I’m sure if Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte is watching this, he’s pleasuring himself right now.
  • These two champs are in a scene together because some band, perhaps White Tie Affair, are shooting a music video.  Apparently Stephanie Pratt got plowed by the guitarist in the band on drunken-meth-filled-night a while back.  The guy she did “boom boom” with kinda looks Sloth from Goonies, but with emo hair.  Well, either Sloth or Rocky Dennis from “Mask” if they squished his face a little more together. 
  • …And enter Bill Montag!  Bill, the American version of Juan Valdez, is everything one could dream of when trying to come up with a stereotypical concept of Heidi’s dad.  I’m sure the props department had a blast with this one.  Bill Valdez is supposed to be intimidating to Spencer, but you know it was all just the rusty editing machine trying to make a boring scene into something decent one last time before the season ends.  They make it seem like Bill is just staring at Spencer, but every shot of him from behind you can actually see the side of his face moving….because he’s talking….and not staring.  Nice try, MTV.  Now use Bill Valdez’s shotgun on that editing machine and start over.  D-.
  • Later that night Sandy Sanders, Audrina, and “the band” head out for some drinks.  When Sandy is left alone with the guitar player the real magic happens.  Sloth kinda just repeats himself with such “band catch phrases” as “it’s hard being on the road,”  “yeah we’re on the road,” “being on the road,” “the road,” and for some reason he sorta just keeps repeating “yeah somethin’ like that.”  The writers must have been too busy trying to de-rust the editing machine to spend anytime on lines for this douche.
  • Oh and the guitar player has a live-in girlfriend and Steph is pissed.  I actually don’t understand anything that is going on right now.
  • The next day, Steve Sanders and Bill Valdez are taking a romantic walk along the beach.  Bill, of course, is wearing his cowboy hat, puffy jean jacket, and apparently, mustard yellow jeans and cowboy boots.  The yellow jeans threw me off a bit.  It’s like he’s a mix between a cowboy and Keenan Ivory Wayans. 
  • I just realized that Lauren’s mustache will one day be as thick and grey as Heidi’s dad’s. Lucky.
  • Bill Valdez gives Steve Sanders his permission to marry his whore-bag daughter.  What a real treat all this is for the viewer. 
  • It’s Firing Day at Pubic Revolution: Ok so here’s the best part of the episode.  I knew that Stephanie would not disappoint.  Lauren, literally, tells Steph that Kelly can’t take the time to train her and can’t have her working here anymore… which Stephanie’s eyes fill up and she literally says, “This is like being fired right now.”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Tell her what she’s won, Johnny!  After the faux-tears continue, Steph says, “This is awkward.  Should I, like, leave right now?”  No no Steph you should totally stay.  In America it’s customary once you’re fired from a job to continue your work day until you’re fired for a second time.  Ironically, if once you are fired the second time in one day AND you see your shadow whilst being fired….6 more weeks of winter.
  • Steph packs up her desk…which consists of her putting her phone in her purse, hugs Lauren, and then Lauren collapses to her desk.  Life is very tough for both Lauren and Stephanie.  We all have our crosses to bear.
  • Holy CRAP!  The “next day” Steph meets Heidi for a little lunch and something is DEFINITELY wrong with Stephanie’s face.  For real.  It’s huge.  Her face looks all puffy and frozen.  I’m not joking.  She’s starting to look like Chris Farley when he would dress up like a woman for the “Gap Girls” skits.  What drug would you be on that would inflate your face?  Someone Google that.
  • Stephanie tells Heidi that’s she been fired.  Yawn.  She then tells her that the dude from White Tie Affair has a live-in girlfriend to which Heidi gives the same reaction you would give someone if they told you they only had 3 days left to live.  Heidi is a wonderful actress and a good person all around.  I just wanted to say that.
  • Finally, in the end, Steve Sanders and Heidi are up on a Ferris Wheel and I doubt that he’s going to ask Heidi to marry him (for the 5th time).  I doubt it.  I totally doubt it.  Wait.  Wait. Wait!  He did!  Heidi squeals with delight, like the pig she is, and says “yes” especially to the new ring that she has.  While all of this bores me, you know what I’m having fun trying to figure out?  If Heidi and Steve Sanders are at the top of the Ferris Wheel….where’s the camera guy?  You would think he would be directly across from them, but when they show their “cart” they’re sitting in, it’s just them two.  Could the camera crew be a little lower and shooting up?  Is there another cart that is equal height once you’re at the top?  I can’t remember, but I’m having more fun thinking about this than watching this crapisode of The Hills.
  • Anyway, Heidi loves her ring, shows it to the camera, and even when she kisses Steve Sanders she still poses with the ring directly next to her face.  She is a terrible, terrible person who will rot in hell.  I will, of course, see her there and will recap her hell experience and mine.