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The Hills Recap: Jayde and Her Bottle of Jager Really Class Up the Crapisode

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  • Not only did I forget the Heidi works at Bolthouse again, but I forgot that Kimberly, her co-worker, was alive.  It’s nice to see her again.  I bet she wrote to the producers asking them to have her back on the show since she grew her bangs out.  Why she’s dressed like a little sailor girl is another question for another time answered by another person.  Perhaps Jesus can answer that.
  • Someone throw a screwdriver in the editing machine to slow it down for a second! Frankie and Doug live together?  Do we know this?  They are like the Ernie and Bert for a whole new generation.  DouK isn’t in town for the “party” that Frankie is throwing, but come to think of it I don’t think we’ve ever actually seen Frankie and DouK in the same scene together.  Hmmm.  I wonder if Frankie just tosses on a mask and plays the role of DouK to get more money for the show?  Ole!
  • The party is like a typical “Hills” party in which all the dudes are wearing sunglasses inside the house.  On the flip side, Jayde looks  like the kind of girl who’s about to enter a Gang Bang as soon as the Hills camera guy yells “cut.”  She also looks like a drunk, which, don’t get me wrong, can be cool.
  • Heidi, Sandy Sanders, and HOlly Ethal Mertz Montag are heading out for the night to “da club” to see if Steve Sanders shows up because Stacie text messaged him telling him that she and her whore-bag friends would be at “da club” that night.  Heidi looks like she has both Olsen Twins stapled to her head.  No person needs that much fake hair.  Also, it’s funny how HOlly Ethal Mertz Montag got the “lips” in the family.  Heidi’s been injecting her lips for years now and HOlly is au natural.  Either that or she just glued some Mr Potato Head lips to her mouth, which would be totally fine since she seldom says anything of interest.
  • Sandy Sanders Quote of the Day: “Deliberately.  Malicious, deliberate….skankily.”  I love skankily.  More skankily, please!
  • The Staged Battle of Stacie and Heidi continues.  This time, Stacie waves to Heidi from across the room and Sandy Sanders ducks down like bullets are coming out of Stacie’s hand.  Stacie and her crew head over to Heidi’s table and Heidi really lets her have it!  Ok, so I made that part up.  Heidi was spewing out some crap about Stacie being coniving, but I was falling in and out of consciousness.  Stacie, who begins talking in the third person tells Heidi that there will always be another Stacie in Spencer’s life.  Stacie’s like a fortune teller!  I wonder if she sees a job in Spencer’s future?
  • Back at “the party” Jayde is already yelling at Brody once Audrina and her new face walk into the party.  Can we just clear something up?  Audrina just supposedly slept in Brody’s bed, right?  Like just slept?  Jayde is making this out to be like Audrina is pregnant.  She does, however, ask Frankie if he’s retarded….so, uh, I’m sure she’s picked up even more fans with that comment. 
  • Jayde finally confronts Audrina about something that I still don’t know I’m sure happened.  Poor Audrina.  She looked confused and sleepy all at the same time while sitting on the couch being yelled at by Jayde.  By the way, is Jayde the “Valerie Malone” of The Hills?  Wow. Steve Sanders AND Valerie Malone?  It’s like a 90210 reunion every week!
  • Audrina leaves the party, Brody yells at Jayde, and Jayde starts literally chugging Jager directly from the bottle.  I have 5 words for you: Class Act.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders are back at therapy with Dr. Jordana Mansfucker.  This chick needs her license taken away from her STAT.  They spend the whole “session” talking about Heidi going through Spencer’s phone and Stacie and “da club.”  This storyline is the worst.
  • Time for another “club” scene.  Audrina and her new face and Sandy Sanders are heading out to “da club” and run into Jayde/Valerie Malone and Brody.  Val is, yet again, drinking Jager directly out of the bottle.  I pray to Santa Christ that we one day see her on an episode of Intervention and I hope that day is soon….like this coming Monday night.
  • Audrina and her new face sit down with Brody, Val, and her skanked-out friends.  One of Val’s feisty friends starts talking all this smack about our beloved Audrina and her new face and then Audrina and her new face go off on Val.  Val, the drunken skank, swears like a drunken sailor.  She’s starting to grow on me.  Not literally.  That would probably hurt.
  • Audrina and her new face and Sandy Sanders end up leaving “da club” and Val celebrates her victory by shoving her tounge down Brody’s throat in front of the camera crew.
  • The next morning Audrina and her new face, Lauren, and LOser all get into some bright colored costumes to meet up and discuss this ridiculous situation that I am, sadly, writing about.  I blank out of the majority of the conversation because I am hypnotized by Audrina’s hat. 
  • Oh, and Lauren’s mustache is back, which is nice to see.  In these tough economic times, Lauren’s mustache brings comfort to me.
  • In the end, Lauren and Brody meet up for a little lunch Lauren tells Brody to apologize to Audrina since they are such good friends.  Are they really that good friends?  I’ve barely seen them say two words to each other in 3 seasons.  Eh, who cares.
  • The END!  Thank God. Worst. Ever.