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The Hills Recap: Nana Pratt – More Lifelike Than Oddrina

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So here we f’n are again. Are we currently in episode 23 in the 4th season or in episode 22? I think I’ve been in a coma since the season premiere. I am honestly going to try my best to not yell “F you. This sucks” during every single scene. Wish me luck. Here’s what went down on the most recent episode of The Hills:
  • Hi Lo! Hi! Hi Lo! Hey there! How are you! Well that wraps up that scene.
  • F you. This sucks.
  • Oddrina’s co-worker, Alanis, has brushed her bangs to the left in this episode. She’s sorta blending into her cubical wall. It looks like Audrina’s talking to a floating wig. Actually that would be more interesting. Sidenote, should I get Christmas gifts for all the cast? I’ll think about it.
  • Oddy tells Alanis that she now doesn’t really think that Justin Bobby banged the mustache off of Lauren. Wow. Nothing like humiliating your friend, Oddrina, on national television. I’d also like to take this time to say hello to my international readers out there today. Hello Mexico, South America, and Oregon!
  • Steven Sanders arrives at Sandy Sanders apartment (that she doesn’t deserve) and I’m pretty sure he’s said the word “Nana” 4 times. Now 5 times. Oh, we’re up to 6. Now 7. Tilt. I can’t wait for Nana Pratt/Nana Sanders or “Sandnana” as I will loving refer to her as. We learn that Sandnana is 84 years old. She better hide her pearls because meth-head Pratt will probably snatch ’em right off her neck. Hahaha snatch.
  • Wow. Brody actually made me laugh when he simply asked Lauren why she was “banging Justin Bobby.” What a real treat. I’m officially cutting off my tongue. Oh, and bonus points for Brody not getting his hair wet whilst in the pool. I’m sure he spent an hour on the chair in the beauty parlor getting her perm blown out before filming this scene. Manly.
  • Tats Patridge is back in action. She looks like someone sprayed graffiti all over her and then yanked her teeth down a couple of inches with some metal pliers…then smashed her in the face with a frying pan….then ran an eggbeater all throughout her hair….then gave her a butch lesbians voice. I said butch.
  • Oddrina wants to know if she should apologize to Lauren for being a skank-bag. I say no. In fact, I say for the next 4 months only communicate with Lauren through the pages of Us Weekly….and a Ouija Board because Laurne is dead to me until she waxes the piss out of her upper lip. There I said it.
  • Alright alright! Enter Nana Pratt! Sadly, this is the highlight of the episode. I’m kidding. It’s the highlight of the season. For some reason when Nana Pratt opened the door I literally yelled out “I bet she’s a bitch.” I live alone and haven’t been drinking, so I pretty much think that’s an issue. Anycrap, Nana Pratt is lovingly showing us pictures of Steve and Sandy Sanders as douche-baggy little children. Steve Sanders looks like a diddlers dream in his photo and Sandy Sanders looks like she gave out handjobs at recess for snack money. Hey, sometimes the nachos were expensive. She had to do what she had to do.
  • Nana Pratt serves up lemonade to the kids. Hopefully she rang out her Depends in Heidi’s cup of lemonade. Speaking of which, Heidi looks like a broken down streetwalker. And what the hell happened to her neck? It’s gone missing. It’s like her head is just sitting on her shoulders…which happen to be up near her ears. What a mess. I hope she gets hit in a drive by shooting…..a drive by shooting of bubbles! See, even I’m not that mean.
  • Whitney and Lauren are at the “office” and Whitney tells us that her new boyfriend, Ozzy Bobby, text messages her “xoxo” after every sentence. Then she says he sometimes even sends “xxx” to her. Looks like someone may have a sex-tape coming out soon! XOXO? Unless you’re in the 5th grade and signing your Valentine’s Day card to your 85 year old grandpa, please don’t sign things “xoxo.” Thanks for your cooperation.
  • Sweet! Nana Pratt is back in action! This time she and Sandy Sanders are walking along the beach and Nana is sporting the very traditional zinc-pink lipstick, bucket hat, and wooden cane, in which the handle really does look like a pistol. Hopefully it is and she’ll play “murder suicide” with herself, Sandy Sanders, and then shoot right through my TV and hit me.
  • Ok so am I having a stroke? Is this REALLY happening? Stephanie Pratt is actually having a conversation with Nana about her not really liking Spencer if she knew what he was really like. Are you shitting me? No really? This is making the episode? If this scene was in the first season of The Hills, the show would have been canceled after the 2nd episode. What’s worse than jumping the shark? Shooting the shark? If so, I believe The Hills just jumped the shark, shot the shark, and then raped the dead shark, and then cut up its dead raped body to make holiday hats for all the cast and crew. This is the worst.
  • Nana does leave us with some words of wisdom that I’m pretty sure she stole from Whitney: “Life is sometimes a bucket of worms and you don’t know what to do with them.” Thanks Nana! See you in hell!
  • Finally this crap is coming to a close. Oddrina is meeting up with Lauren and the lines underneath her eyes at a secret rendezvous. Perhaps the Regal Begal?
  • So Audrina says, “Blah blah blah blah blah no upper lip.” And Lauren’s all “Blah blah blah blah ouch my mustache hurts.” And then Audrina is like “Well blah and then once blah and so therefore blah.” And then Lauren is like, “Blah. War in Iraq. Blah blah gas prices. Blah blah blah, Sarah Palin’s eyeglasses.” Oh and then it gets really good because Audrina yells back, “Oh yeah? Well blah blah blah the recession. Blah blah terrorist attacks in India. Blah blah what’s that up there on the ceiling? Blah.”
  • Audrina doesn’t know who she is anymore and she’s lost herself. Luckily she can read all about herself online and in Us Weekly. They both make up and the episode ends. Is it just me or are we all going to hell for watching this?