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The Hills Recap: The One Where the Producers, Writers, and Directors All Give Up

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  • Remember on The Hills when LC and Heidi’s friendship was on the fritz and Heidi was going to move out and no one knew if they would be friends again and it was really interesting to watch the drama unfold?  Yeah, well that’s just a distant drunken memory because now we’re left with Stephanie Pratt, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag, and Lo all sitting around the table talking about Kristin and Brody fighting in Costa Rica and Lo’s 1 year anniversary with her boyfriend.  Imagine if this was season 1?  The only thing that saves this conversation a bit is the fact that Steph’s face looks like it’s frozen in time and her lips look like they’ve been injected with enough Collagen to be used as escape slides during an emergency water landing in the Pacific.
  • Over at the “auto body” Sleezy T, Brody, and Frankie all put on dresses, perm their hair, get on the same cycle, and talk about the whole Brody/Kristin situation and by “situation” I am of course referring to page 3, paragraph 4, lines 10-15 of the script.  If I were the producer or camera man I would just yell out, “No one cares.  Do something interesting.”  Sadly, nothing interesting happens, unless you count the part where Frankie gets on some type of motorcycle contraption and crashes it before he makes it out of the parking lot. He basically took the bike for a “ghost ride” which was my favorite thing to do when I was little.  Seriously, he’s like Enzo.  They should have attached a booster seat to the back of Brody’s bike and let little baby Frankie sit there and pull on his ding-dong all whilst throwing a tantrum because the sun is in his eyes.  Oh well, maybe for the season finale.
  • Holly, who does not adhere to any of the airport anti-terrorism laws, picks up Darlene who is standing curbside at el aeropuerto and even gets out to give her a hug.  Security should have let their German Shepard loose on the both of them and then detained them for 48 hours where they would soon stand trial and face a life behind chicken wire at tropical Guantanamo Bay.  Alas, that doesn’t happen and they drive off onto the highway where speeding 18-wheelers will be our only salvation.
  • As Holly and Darlene are driving and talking about how Heidi is MIA (check her Twitter account if you want to see if she’s still alive.  Spoiler Alert:  She sadly is.) the background looks very fake and odd.  It’s almost like those fake driving screens that they use in skits on SNL.  I was waiting to see the cast of I Love Lucy in the background filming scenes for “California Here We Come.”  As a sidenote, those were some of my favorite I Love Lucy episodes.  This is just as entertaining though.  Blah.
  • The whole Douche Bag Brigade heads out to “da club” where I can only assume J Lo shot her “Waiting For Tonight” video.  Those green lights look like they burn if they touch you.  I mean, it doesn’t look like it burns worse than Steph’s vag rash, but let’s get into that when we’re not around mixed company.  Anyiwanttohangmyself, Brody won’t talk to Kristin, but that’s fine with me because we are all witnessing a love connection between Brody’s friend Josh Pauly Shore and Stephanie Pratt.  Pauly Shore enjoys doing things like racing motorcycles, getting more tattoos up and down his arms, growing his hair long (but not washing it) and trying to complete full sentences, but failing miserably at it.  Ding ding ding!  Sounds like we’ve found Steph’s future husband.  I bet he’ll make her mayor of the meth lab.  Fingers crossed!
  • Stacie the Pointless Bartender (I’m going to miss saying that) and Kristin are walking up the street looking like a broken Oreo and talking about, you guessed it, Kristin’s scripted feelings for Brody.  Stacie the Pointless Sidekick gives advice that Kristin needs to lay it all on the line and let him know how she feels.  I would have tossed in a “and do it while you’re naked and spread eagle on the kitchen table” but that’s just my two cents.  Perhaps you have your own advice you’d give Kristin.  If so, text “advice” to 88930.  Normal carrier rates apply.
  • Well it’s date night for Stephanie and Pauly Shore.  Stephanie has to order a “Pepsi” because she can’t handle her liquor and crashes cars.  Pauly Shore orders a Sprite because he needs to pick and choose when he drinks.  That’s code for, “If I get too drunk I’m likely to hit you and, well, there’s cameras around.”  From that point on I have no idea what they’re talking about.  MTV continues to f*ck with me and won’t provide sub-titles when Pauly Shore slurs.  Something about having good parents and being a bad boy and they are both idiots.  No really, I’m pretty sure they both said they were idiots.  They are NOT idiots.  They’re just not smart and can’t drink alcohol.  They’re technically boring and…well…kinda idiots too.  Fine, I agree.  There, I said it.
  • Oh my God!  Happy 1 year anniversary Lo and Scott!  I’m so happy for you!  In order to celebrate your successful relationship I’m going to constantly punch myself in the nuts until I puke blood and then I’m going to open my 30th floor apartment window and scream at the top of my lungs, “I’m going to F’n kill myself!”  You’re welcome!  Lo’s boyfriend basically asks Lo to move in with him.  Lo would like to be engaged before that happens.  Let me tell you something, if that happens and someone over at MTV decides to make this into a spin-off show I’m going to register to carry a gun, buy a gun, and then shoot my TV.  I may even fill up the tub and throw my TIVO into it.  No more spin-offs.  No more.  Wait.  What about an Enzo sex-change spin-off?  I may be behind that.  We’ll see.
  • Kristin invites Brody over to drink wine and talk about her feelings for him.  Kristin admits she wants a boyfriend and wants that boyfriend to be Brody.  Awkwaaaaaard.  She might as well told him she was 5 months pregnant with his love child.  Surprisingly Brody lets us all know that he’s been seeing someone else so he’s not interested in Kristin.  I wish he said it was Avril Lavigne.  I wish he said, “Kristin I’m choosing Avril Lavigne and her skater boy/gothic vaginastein over you.”  Brody then says goodbye and leaves the apartment.  Kristin should have yelled out, “Oh yeah?  Well I’m f*cking your fathers 1980’s facelift!”  Just me?
  • Steph and Lo are having a conversation about Pauly Shore all whilst doing yoga.  I can’t.
  • Meanwhile, Darlene Montag and Holly are having lunch and talking about, you guessed it, how crazy train Heidi is.  Why can’t they just toss a blond wig on Darlene and pretend she’s actually Heidi?  She could then show up at “da club” and be like, “Surprise, you guys!  It’s me, Heidi!  I got all my plastic surgeries reversed, left Spencer, and started receiving oral pleasure from my dumb horse in Crested Butte.  I’m cured!”  Ugh, why am I now writing lines and coming up with fake scenes for this show which, to be honest, is kind of entertaining me more than the actual show itself?
  • Darlene spews out that she is so upset about this whole Heidi situation that she hasn’t slept in months and is now taking prescription sleeping pills.  Way to make it about you, Dar Dar, way to make it about you.  Darlene has been “mourning the loss of a child.”  She should also be celebrating the addition of a new child…with a new face…and new boobs…and who is kind of a robot.  Celebrate that!
  • Kristin makes an SOS call to Lo because, you know, they’re friends now.  Kristin starts to “cry” when she talks about Brody rejecting her.  I mean, I don’t see any tears and I’m pretty sure I saw Kristin jamming pins into her leg in order to make the “crying face.”  She should be crying real tears because The Hills is over after next week and she’s going to be bagging groceries at Shop Rite, working the 5pm-9pm shift.  Sad, but kind of true.

Tune in next week for the last Hills recap ever.  I don’t know whats more sad; the fact that The Hills is ending after 4 years or the fact that I’ve been recapping it for 4 years.  It’s a real toss up.

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