The Hills Season Finale: Lauren is Dead…to Me.

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Remember where you were when the Berlin Wall fell?  September 11th?  Jesus came back to earth to send Bindi Irwin directly to hell?  Well me too.  Similar to those important days in history you will always remember where you were when Lauren Conrad left “The Hills.”  It’s a sad day for everyone.  If Heidi and Audrina could still move their faces, they would show expressions of sadness.  Anyfinalscript, here’s what went down on the Season Finale of The Hills:

  • With just 2 days to go before her wedding day, Heidi decides to actually start planning it.  Her magical day she describes sounds terrible.  She wants flowers all over the church so that it looks like a garden, she wants to be dripping in diamonds, she wants actual swans to be there, and she wants a white-chocolate-mousse-truffle-vanilla-berries-princess-cake.  Sure.  Let me break it down for you.  Flowers all over the church?  Allergy Palooza ’09.  Dripping in diamonds?  If the lights hit the diamonds the right way we’ll be forced to see her chin and new nose light up like Rudolph.  Actual swans = swan shit all over the place.  That cake? Welcome to the new and exciting world of diabetes! I’ll pass on the entire ceremony and have a donkey back-kick me in the nuts for 45 minutes, thanks.
  • Spencer is having a delightful lunch with Darlene and is trying to convince her that he’s a changed man.  This is where we get to hear two of our favorite Spencer references: “Da Club” and “I’m in therapy.”  Score!  Darlene gives him her blessing and considering she gave birth to Satan’s spawn, her blessing means the world to all of us.
  • Fast forward and we’ve all been invited to Heidi’s bridal shower. I believe if we’re still following the timeline, this shower is 1.5 days before the actual wedding.  Luckily I’ve never been to a shower (or seldom take showers, but that’s a different story for a different time).  Heidi’s shower is the worst.  They’re playing games off of what I first assumed was “bridal shower card games” but after a moment or two figured it must be the cue cards shrunk down to size so that the cast can just hold them and read from them with ease.  We learn Heidi wants 4 children, all boys.  I’m sure all four will turn out to be serial rapists.
  • Stop the press.  Stop the press.  Stop.  I believe all the bridal shower gifts that Heidi received can ALL be purchased from the Harriet Carter catalog…and I’m not joking.  If she pulls out a gun that squirts ketchup and mustard I’ll be convinced.
  • Is HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag trashed?  She looks it and I think she’s slurring her one-liners.  Hopefully she is.  It makes her more interesting, more attractive, funnier, and overall a better person.
  • Lauren and Broady are out for a sexless dinner and Lauren is clearly over the show. She’s making up a wedding song about Heidi making a big mistake and later somehow equates their wedding to a funeral.  At one point I’m pretty sure I see her mustache jump off her face and dance around a sombrero on the table.  She stabbed it with a fork and placed it back on her upper lip. I have no idea where I pulled that from.  Anystache, Broady comes up with a brilliant idea of making farting noises at the wedding when Heidi trots down the aisle.  I actually think this is a funny idea and for one split second I look at Broady and forget that his father has a horrible 1980’s facelift.  The second passes and I remember again.
  • Broady must have left dinner with Lauren and ran right out to have a second dinner with Spencer because he has on the same shirt.  They had to film this crap quick.  Steve Sanders is spewing out all this crap and it’s so bad that Broady is laughing at him….actually I think he’s just laughing at the fact that this is all fake and he can’t believe it’s actually come to this.
  • I’m sorry, is Lauren quitting life too?  She’s now meeting with Kelly CUNTrone and is leaving her “job” as well.  Kelly tries to give some advice to Lauren about what she should “do next.”  She never, however, mentions that in real life Lauren had her own fashion line and makes $75,000 per episode.  So, uh, something tells me that Lauren will figure out her “big life dilemma.”
  • Timeline check:  10 hours until the wedding.  We’ve all been invited to the Pratt/Montag rehersal dinner.  How lucky.  Stephanie Pratt gives a toast and pretends to start crying.  Her voice is shaky, but I assume it’s just from the withdrawal of a booze and meth coctail.  Yes?
  • FINALLY SOMETHING REAL!  HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is triggity-trashed!  Again!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  They couldn’t even edit around this.  I’ve never said this before in my life, but she is officially a filthy-hot-mess.  Brilliant.  HOlly’s toast was a complete trainwreck and I honestly have no idea what she was talking about.  At one point she talks about Heidi praying in the woods with sticks and berries when she was a child to find her “love match.”  Seriously what!?!  Now if they could just get the rest of the cast drunk perhaps this show would be watchable next season!
  • Next up, HOlly is trying to spit her gum out, hi-fiving the waiter, and throwing a potato at her brother, which accidentally hits Heidi and her expensive bag.  I give this scene an A+.  She excuses herself from the table and turns into that girl that everyone knows….the drunken mess who starts crying and making a scene.  Awesome!  Spencer starts talking about not throwing food at the dinner table and how that’s rude.  Darlene defends HOlly and tells Spencer that throwing food is not rude.  HOlly then says, “oh sorry I didn’t know we were dining with the king and queen.”  Again, awesome.  The only thing that would have made this better was if Heidi’s horse from Crested Butte was dry-humping Spencer’s “Nana” at the end of the table. Ole!
  • The next day HOlly does apologize to Heidi and Heidi informs us all of a new word.  She tells HOlly that she would never “un-maid-of-honor” her.  She should have put HOlly to sleep and asked her horse to be the new Maid of Honor.
  • It’s Lauren’s last party at her house that she may or may not own.  Broady and Stephanie make up and later Steph tries, once again, to convince LC to go to the circus wedding.  Do they know we’ve already seen the scene from the wedding where Lauren walks into the church last week?  Poor planning.
  • Well it’s the wedding day, ladies and gentlemen, and all the blast from the past kids are back.  Brent Bolthouse (and his hat that I assume he and Audrina share back and forth), Kimberly and her sea of bangs, Broady and Jayde (who looks like she just made $20.00 on the corner before arriving), Frankie and his boredom, and the rest of the crew that has helped make our ears bleed for the past 3-4 years.
  • Oh, and Stacie The Bartender (given birth name) shows up too because, you know, that’s not stretching it.
  • Oh, and Justin Bobby just showed up as well.  I’m pretty sure he was just downstairs in the church at an AA meeting and happened to walk upstairs and into the wedding.  Audrina will show him her dead eyes multiple times throughout the ceremony. 
  • Everyone in the crowd is giggling like little school girls, but probably because they realize what an absolute circus this really is….especially when Kristin Cavallari shows up, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
  • Heidi is officially wearing all the jewelry that Paula Abdul usually wears whilst “judging” on American Idol.  And she keeps saying she looks like a swan princess.  What the F does that even mean? Stop staying it.
  • What a scripted surprise!  Lauren shows up to the wedding and even sneaks back into the room to awkwardly hug Darlene and have a one-on-one chat with Heidi The Swan Princess.
  • Meanwhile, in walks Kristin Cavallari to legitimate cued dramatic violin music.  I mean come on! You can’t even script this shit.  Ok, well you can.  Kristin walks right down the middle of the aisle and parks her ass directly next to Justin Bobby to the snickers and gasps from the d-list crowd. 
  • Lauren and Kristin are wearing the same color dress.  Imagine that.
  • LC and Heidi The Swan Princess complete their final chat with how happy she really is for HTSP and they hug it out and end it with a, legit, firm handshake.
  • Not to be outdone, Lauren decides to walk directly in front of the entire church and sits right next to LOser.
  • So here’s the deal.  Once LOser announces to LC that Kristin is there and that “they match” LC looks over and you can see it all over her face how disgusted she is, but NOT because of any rivalry with Kristin, but because Lauren realizes that the producers of the show set her up…once again.  For real. I cracked the code. 
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders exchange vows and Steve Sanders does a lot of weird voice tones, pitches, and sound effects while placing the ring on Heidi’s finger.  All strange.  They are officially married for the 6th or 7th time in the past year.  I’ve lost count.
  • Once the wedding is over, they make sure they let us know for the 14th time that Kristin knows LOser from Laguna Beach and that she set up Heidi and Spencer when she dated Broady back in the day.  We get it.  Kristin does, however, make a little dig towards Justin Bobby by calling him a “stand up guy.”  Audrina looked like she was about to swallow her beaver…teeth.
  • Heidi throws a scripted toss of her bouquet and Kristin scriptedly catches it.  I’m glad Kristin was in the very front of the church and then later in the very front of the line to catch the bouquet because, you know, Kristin is close friend who would naturally be seated and standing ahead of Heidi’s family and other close friends.
  • Lauren sneaks out the back door (which I’ve heard she usually takes it in), hops into her chauffeured black car, and that is the end of Lauren Conrad.  Never to be seen of or head from again.  Hundreds of years from now when children are reading about “The Hills” in their Social Studies classes they will still be asking why Lauren’s mustache and lines under her eyes were only exposed while she was in a dinner setting.  We. May. Never. Know.