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The Hills Season Finale: This Episode Has More Tears Than Audrina’s Hoo-Ha After a Drunken Night in Palm Springs w/ Justin Bobby. Did I Cross a Line?

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Wow. Season 4. Yup. Yeah, so. Er….uh. Hmmm. Yow. Eesh. Yuckeroo. Sorta at a loss for words. Lives were saved. Conflicts in the Middle East, resolved. Diseases cured. That’ll wrap up the entire 4th season.

In what is the last Hills Recap from IBBB of Season 4, let us dry our drunken eyes and come together as one. And by “one” I, of course, mean “a large group of tools.” Hoe’s perhaps? Be sure to check back at IBBB next week for the first recap of “The City.” That’s right. I’m selling out and recapping that too.

Here’s what went down on the season finale (finally) of The Hills Season 4: Scripted Boogaloo:

  • Heidi is back to work at Crackhouse with Brent and Side-Bangs. She tells Brent of her weekend in Mexico and how she got married. Apparently, Brent lives in a powerless cave and didn’t hear the news of the wedding. Heidi tells Brent it was the craziest thing she’s ever done. Really? The craziest? The breast implants, not so crazy? The chin surgery, pretty tame? How about that time you got your lips done and you looked like your vagina was stapled to your face? No, that wasn’t crazy either? Eh, ok.
  • Seriously? Justin Bobby is on a motorcycle with a sparkly silver helmet, overalls, handlebars that are about 5 feet above the motorcycle, and Audrina looks like she’s sitting in stadium seating behind him. They could totally end the episode with this scene and I would be totally fine with it. Hell, end the entire series with this scene. Well worth it.
  • J Bob and Oddrina are out in Palm Springs celebrating their 5th on camera conversation together and J Bob pops the champagne and almost takes out Oddrina’s two front teef. Justin Robert (Bobby) gives us all crazy eyes and calls Oddy “dude” about 10 times, but not before telling her that “she’s in trouble now, dude.” So to the young kids out there who found IBBB via “the Google” let me explain what J Bob meant by that. You see, J Bob is going to plow Audrina with the same force that the plow outside of your house, during this past weekends snow storm, caved in your driveway. And just when the plowing finally stops and you can catch your breath from shoveling it out, the plow comes (giggity) by again and dumps even more white stuff all over your private property. So, uh, we all caught up now? Cliff Notes: Audrina becomes a woman.
  • Yeah, so Darlene Montag and Steve Sanders are having a “stare-off” with each other before Heidi walks on to the set of her apartment. As a sidenote, is Steve Sanders beard starting to grow into his mouth?
  • When Darlene starts to cry, I immediately look for my passport so I can deny my citizenship. The only thing that makes me feel less embarrassed is by forcing myself to think of Darlene making sweet Crested Butte love to that damn horse that Heidi grew up with. That damn horse. He gets me every time. Sniff sniff.
  • Meanwhile, Justin Bobby and Audrina are having a romantic dinner and J Bob is dressed like that chimney sweeper from Mary Poppins. I’m trying not to make too many jokes as I have the same shirt and hat J Bob is sporting. If only I could get my mustache to connect to my chin beard, I could dress up as J Bob for Halloween. Maybe if I try to start growing it out now I’ll be ready for next October. Oh, and by the way, Justin gave Oddy some sort of a ring that I’m pretty sure he vomited up from his stomach and out of his mouth. It looks like that silver sparkly pipe cleaner that your 3rd grade teacher would bring in for Arts and Crafts and force you to make reindeer antlers with during Christmas. You know, the one that you attached to the big wooden spoon. Anyone? Crickets. Anyway, that gift is the worst. Actually, you wanna know what gift is technically worse than that? I once gave someone I was dating some Christmas stuff because I wouldn’t see them for the holiday. This consisted of a tree ornament with their name on it and a Christmas candle. Wanna know what I got in return? Dumped the next day. True story. No joke.
  • Fast forward to that “party” that Crackhouse is throwing. It’s all black-tie and Sandy Sanders is there dressed like Macy Gray. Heidi and Side-Bangs are talking about the party and then say “Let’s go look at the party.” As the’yre walking through the party to look at the party they’re actually saying, “Wow, look at this party.” Wow. Kill me. For real. I won’t press charges if you only paralyze me and not technically kill me.
  • Well, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for since the end of Season 2. Heidi. And. Lauren. Are. About. To. Talk. Buckle up, bitches.
  • Er. Uh. Ouch. Awkward. Lauren and Heidi literally stare at each other for a good 10 seconds and Lauren says, “I hate this is awkward.” It actually gets even more awkward because Lauren then rests her entire chin on her champagne glass. If Heidi did that the whole damn glass would have shattered, but I digress.
  • So who thinks this scene was scripted? Will you stop reading this if I say that I think the conversation is kinda real? I say this because typically when the scenes are scripted (99.98% of the time) Heidi is talking with her eyebrows pointed in and all of her sentences end with her sounding like she’s asking a question. This time, however, Heidi gives us the “for-real-ugly-cry” when Lauren starts to ask Heidi about her mom (she should have asked about the horse too).
  • I also think this is kind of real because Heidi does admit that she does miss Lauren, but knows that their situation won’t be changing any time soon. Oh, and the #1 reason why I think this may NOT have been scripted is because Heidi later asks Lauren if she’s been “working out a lot.” Yeah, no. She said that. Now there’s a chance that she accidentally read one of Brody’s lines to some chick at the bar, but Brody was not in this episode, so I pretty much am buying all the crap that these two dirt-bags are spewing out. Anyone with me?
  • Sidenote: Lauren and Heidi’s conversation and interaction was very reminiscent of Season 1 and Season 2 when they actually talked without reading lines. Regardless, even if these two really hate each other why can’t they just pretend to like each other for Season 5? While they’re at it, I’d love in next season if they all acknowledge that they’re on a television show. Eh, more on that at another time.
  • Back at Casa de Chin, Darlene and Steve Sanders have the same exact argument that they had earlier in the season. I’m over it.
  • Finally, in the end, Heidi, Steve, and Sandy Sanders arrive at the “City Hall” that looks like the same “City Hall” from The Brady Bunch. Sandy Sanders tries to talk some scripted sense into Steve Sanders about not getting married there and giving Heidi the wedding she really wanted…with her mom….blah blah blah. End scene.
  • Sweet! I’m pretty sure that the judge in the courtroom is Roz from “Night Court!” Hooray! I’m glad that Roz got work again!
  • Stop. The. Press. Heidi’s middle name is “Blaire?” Like, “Blair” from “Facts of Life?” What a treat. I may have been typing when she said it, but I assume the judge called Steve Sanders by his full name too…..Steven Santa Pubes Sanders.
  • Steve Sanders never gets to say his “vows” because he wants to make sure that Heidi is ok and if she wants her mom there. Heidi cries again and her chin almost dislocates from her face and says she does, in fact, want her mom there….and her horse from Crested Butte….and her old chin (which is wrapped up on a Tiffany’s box and placed in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC, along with a piece of the Berlin Wall). They don’t get “legally” or “scriptedly” married and they all leave the court house.

Well, that’s it, kids. Another season bites the dust and bites me in the ass. Until next time, I bid you a fond (and scripted) farewell. I thank you for sticking with IBBB week after week and day after day.

What did you all think of the season finale? What was fake? What was real? What should happen in Season 5?