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The Hills: The Douche-Bag Bunch Go to Vegas!

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So The Hills decided to sneak attack us and show an extra crapisode right before the VMAs. Nice work, MTV, you have officially sucked me in for the full night. Whilst I typically like to follow the teachings of Jesus and rest on the Sabbath, I find myself cracking open the laptop (or craptop) and paying full attention to The Hills. Thanks for sending me to hell, Hills, thanks a lot. Here’s what went down, or at least the way I saw it:
  • Of course, of course, the Douche-Bag Bunch is heading to Vegas on DouK’s private jet. Lauren, the queen of all douchery, just dumped DouK days ago but finds it in her heart to go on his jet and bring all of her friends too. She is like the Mother Teresa of fauxlebrity television. Oh, and are you allowed to drink a Corona on the runway?
  • Brody decides to toast up Stephanie and not hold a grudge any more. He mentions something about it being like Spencer was there. I was side tracked because Sandy Sanders was drinking Sprite, which then side tracked me again to thinking of the time when she was out for Lauren’s b-day drinking Red Bull, which then side tracked me to sorta remembering she had a drug/alcohol problem in the past….right? I could never date a girl who didn’t drink and by “drink” I really mean “get fall down drunk.” Because, kids, if you’re both not hammered on a date what is there really to talk about? Really.
  • Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin (Heidi’s apartment) Steve Sanders is busy as usual, this time playing some sort of Duck Hunt game with guns. Why can’t they be real guns? Or ducks for that matter.
  • So Heidi scriptedly tells Steve Sanders that her scripted sister, HOlly, is scriptedly moving to LA because the script (and MTV) told her to. Steve Sanders is scriptedly upset by this and Heidi closely follows the script and reads off that HOlly will be scriptedly staying at Casa de Chin until she can find her own place….or when the script tells her to move out. Steve Sanders complains that he doesn’t like it when anything “girly” is around the apartment, but keep in mind he says this while he’s leaning up against a ROW of arcade games. For someone who doesn’t like things girly he certainly doesn’t mind the Barbie pubes that are glued onto his chin. It’s like Malibu Barbie went to town on his face.
  • What’s up with Heidi this season? No joke, like in every crapisode I catch her at least once looking directly into the camera. You know she’s looking at it and is thinking, “So, cut…right? Cut?” Quiet on the set!
  • The Hills have totally given up. LC is telling tall tales out of school to the Douche Bag Bunch, by coming up with this crazy story of how LC ran into Audrina and said hi to her and Audrina said she didn’t have time to talk to her because she was with her friends. Yet, this wasn’t filmed and we never heard about it? Yeah, ok Lauren. And then Santa came out and banged the Tooth Fairy and they sprinkled glitter all over the coffee shop and we have 6 more weeks of winter. It’s the oldest story in the book.
  • Ugh. Now Brody wants LC to kick Audrina out of the house. LOser is throwing in her two cents (two cents that LC probably gave her). Brody suggested 5 times to kick Audrina out of the house. Does he mean the Spanish tree-house she lives in, in the backyard? Yeah good luck finding a replacement for that tree-house. I don’t even think it’s up to code. Eh, they could always store LOser’s old nose in there. You know, for safe keeping.
  • Yay! HOlly has arrived. She drove 15 hours to LA. I’m sure she rode the horse from Crested Butte. HOlly and Steve Sanders high-five like they’re the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Hero’s in a Half Shell, Turtle Power!
  • Alright alright! Justin Bobby is back! This poor schmuck. He has Audrina and her dead eyes on the hotel bed and she keeps blabbing on about the drama between LC and LOser. You know J Bob is getting a complimentary BJ from dead eyes just for having to listen to this crap. He deserves it.
  • It’s Frankie’s birthday dinner! What a step up from swinging at pinatas in Guarda la Tumbleweed, Mexico! Ole!
  • Brody is really caking on the douche and he and Sandy Sanders get into a dinner argument when he calls her crazy, TO WHICH SHE RESPONDS, “What!? This is when I used to have a drug problem.” Ding ding ding! Oh Sandy. Oh poor Sandy. If we learned anything from R&B recording artist, Whitney Houston, it’s that crack is cheap. Crack is whack. If Sandy Sanders was on drugs, show me the receipts. Where are the receipts?
  • DouK loses his shit and is clearly having another mental breakdown while Brody and Sandy Sanders are fighting. He just keeps waving his hands and saying “stop stop stop.” The he just goes, “Cheers!” Then he’s back to “stop stop stop.” Brilliant. That’s how I’m going to stop EVERYTHING from now on. I’m just going to yell out “Cheers!”
  • Sandy Sanders must have been pushing 20 needles into her leg (just like old times) because she somehow got herself to start crying and LC and Sandy Sanders leave the dinner table. I actually felt a tiny bit scriptedly bad until she says, “how can boys make girls cry?” Uh, ok Jack and Jill. You guys are in your 20’s.
  • Justin Bobby and Audrina make it to the club and Brody continues to be a little bitch. Frankie tries to make himself a part of the cast and tries to get Audrina to talk to LC. Seriously who gives an F? End this show and let me get on with my life. I’m just kidding. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean. Please. Don’t ever end this show. Ever.
  • Well how about that? A non-scripted moment? Frankie’s slurred words seem to not be scripted. A drunken mess, as he should be! Someone give that guy a raise. Bring him from $0.00 an episode to like 3 easy installments of $19.99. Ole!
  • J Bob and Audrina leave early since Audrina “can’t take the drama anymore” because it’s “draining.” J Bob just wants to leave so that he can examine Audrina’s new rack and get that BJ that he’s contractually obligated to receive with every episode he’s in.
  • Meanwhile, back in the mainland, Heidi is at work…in her office….wearing a t-shirt. Seriously, it’s like everyone has just given up. And I don’t blame them. MTV knows that we don’t buy into the fact that Heidi works at Bolthouse so they’re just like “screw it…show up in your pajamas…it’s fine.” Haha that office is like a ghost town. There’s about 15 cubicles and 3 people working in them.
  • Steve Sanders talks to Heidi in his car because HOlly erased some crap from his TIVO. Please, you totally know he TIVO’s The Hills and then does sex stuff to himself when he watches it. Gross. I just crossed a line I didn’t even know I had. Heidi actually made me laugh when she said, “I don’t know, maybe you shouldn’t be in the apartment so much.” Oh Heidi, you’re so quick….and dead inside.
  • Frankie de las Burritos tells The Douche-Bag Bunch that Brody text messaged him at 9am because he’s in jail because DouK got punched. Wait what? They let you text message from jail now? That changes everything. I never wanted to go to jail because I always thought you only got one phone call on a pay-phone, but if that’s not true and I can text message and get three meals a day….well, I just may have to rethink this whole jail thing.
  • Anyscript, when Frankie tells them this they all look at each other like he said, “I have a gun in my jogging pants and I’m going to kill you all.” All we needed at that point was the sound effects from when The Brady Bunch was looking for the tiki in Hawaii. Do do dooooo!

Well that wraps up some more crap. Where in the hell has Jen Bunny been? Oh well, there’s another episode on Monday. No rest for IBBB.