American Idol Gives Back

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After American Idol has raped the American public of gazillions of dollars and time lost in our lives, they have decided to give back. Whatever it takes I guess.

I’d assume the children of Africa are psyched to see someone else famous besides Sally Struthers. I know I’d be happy for the change of pace. Do you think the kids are confused why Ryan Seacrest is wearing probably $2,500 worth of clothes? Interesting, yet not so. Here’s what went down on American Idol as perceived by the brilliance of IBBB.

  • Chris Richardson sang “Change the World” and to no surprise sounded like Justin Timberlake. If this wasn’t for charity, I’d say, “don’t vote.” Oh hell. Don’t vote.
  • Apparently all you need to do to get the audience to scream and clap is simply stand up. Good thinking Chris. I’d stand up more often. You’d probably get a few more votes.
  • Dear Randy, please stop talking like you’re 16 yrs old. Thanks for your cooperation.
  • Melinda literally shook her head left to right the entire song. We get it. You have a twitch. I think shaking your head left to right symbolizes “seriousness” while shaking your hips left to right signals a secret message to Shakira. But, I digress.
  • I love when Paula calls contestants “magical.” No, you’re magical Paula, you’re magical. You ride on a magical unicorn into the heavens and hi-five Amelia Earhart. Thanks Paula.
  • “Imagine” Blake Lewis didn’t beat-box?
  • Sweet, Paula continues to talk directly into the microphone. $1.00 Bob, $1.00!
  • Lakisha sings Fantasia. Hopefully, Lakisha doesn’t plan on taking any dirty pictures with her cell phone like Fantasia did. Yowza!
  • This time Paula grabs the microphone in order to talk even louder and ever more direct into the mic. Halfway through I feel Paula has a stroke. Perhaps she was electrocuted from touching the mic.
  • Phil Stacey…I’m sorry, I fell asleep. There’s a chance I lapsed into a coma. The doctors are still trying to decide.
  • Jordin Sparks sings something depressing. This whole show depressed me. Half the songs made me feel like I was in a Disney Cartoon and not in a good way.