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American Idol Recap: I Got 18 Bullets and a Bitch Ain't 1.

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The President of the United States almost rudely interrupted the American Idol Results Show last night.  So rude.  In case you missed his speech, let me sum it up for you:  The world is going to f’n explode, but if you cover your mouth when you sneeze you may not get the Swine Flu.

Moving on, here’s what went down last night on American Idol.  THIS is the recap:

  • Sweet! I think Paula may already be drunk-tank tonight!  She has all this jewelry all over herself.  I think she has some earrings stapled to the side of her head and going down her dress.
  • Wow, we’re starting the Ford commercial right off the bat.  I have no idea what it was about, but I did learn something.  I will never, not only, buy a Ford, I also won’t drive with anyone who drives a Ford.  New rule! Implement it.
  • Is Allison really tall or is everyone just under 5 feet?
  • Is it just me or is Adam Lambert slowly getting the “T-Boz” haircut from TLC?  Hat 2 da back!
  • Now it’s time to watch a clip of “the gang” making birthday cakes because, you know, that has anything to do with singing.  Everyone seems to be wearing the same shirt and hat for some reason.  The segment ends with all the kids having a wild food fight and trashing a multi-million dollar home.  Wasting food and trashing a house you can’t afford? Priceless.
  • Results time!
  • Matt and his costume rosary beads (I’m sure Jesus is pumped) head to the right of the stage
  • Danny and his magical eyeglasses head to the left side of the stage
  • Allison and her Kool-Aid hair head to the left side of the stage
  • Kris heads to the right side of the stage
  • Adam “T-Boz” Lambert heads to the middle of the stage and must choose which side he should stand next to.  He should just grab a seat next to the judges.  Perhaps sit on Randy’s face.  Just sayin’.  He stands next to Allison and Danny, but they are safe so Ryan escorts Adam next to Matt and Kris.  I don’t even know what I’m typing at this point.  It’s like I’m trying to exit a maze.
  • Paula, who is shocked, declares that they should just call it a 5-way tie.  That’s helpful Paula, thanks.
  • Highlight of the Episode:  Kara says her mouth just opens when she sees Adam.  The joke writes itself at this point. Paula chimes in 45 minutes later with an “excuse me???”  Paula’s meds have her on a 5 second delay for the sensors.
  • Natalie Cole is in the house, ladies and gentlemen! She, like Adam, is very close to rocking the T-Boz.  It must the hairstyle of choice this season. Doesn’t she still need a kidney?  They should make that part of the show.  Dial 888-IDOL-03 if you want to give your kidney to Natalie. 
  • SOOUUULLLL PATROL!  Taylor Hicks.  Ouch.  I’d rather see Natalie Cole sing again.  I’d actually rather see her kidney sing.  Dial 888-IDOL-04 if you want to see Natalie Cole’s kidney sing.  Remember, these are 888 numbers, not 800 numbers so watch when you dial.
  •   Mini-Results Time…..
  • Kris is safe.  Nothing funny to say here.
  • Jamie Foxx continues his sellout promotional tour and sings to the AI crowd.  Well done.  And by that I mean “zzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
  • The real results are in….
  • Matt gets the boot.  Adam won’t be chasin’ waterfalls this week.  Full T-Boz next week!