Harriet Carter: Fresh Box to Go, Please!

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Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday from sunny Florida! I love it when Harriet gets all sexy and sells sexy products to her sexy white-trash customers. The sexier the better and with all this Florida heat Harriet is sure to be in a sexy mood. Skank. Anyway, this week Harriet places chemically altered fish into her stinky pond, makes breakfast for midgets, puts out of work actors to work by giving them a broom, and really spruces up her fresh box! Let’s go….

Product # 1 – Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm! Who’s in the mood from some Fresh Box! It really is the best way to start your morning. Say goodbye, apparently, to moldy/stinky/stale box and say hola to some Fresh Box. I guess the trick is to vacuum-seal it to make sure that not only does your box remain fresh as a daisy, but everything that you shove inside that box remains fresh too. That makes sense. You don’t want to put something in your box and have it end up stinking. Even worse, imagine if someone came over and put something of theirs into your box and it wasn’t fresh? The embarrassment! I’d assume that what goes in the box comes out with the same freshness or staleness of what originally was in the box. It’s kinda like “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Oh, that’s what that means. I get it now! Moving on, all you need to do is simply place the goods into your box and close the lid (I wasn’t aware they had lids, but it has been a little too long I guess). Next up, the instructions says the pump will reactivate every time the lid is opened. That definitely makes sense. This pump is also dishwasher safe. Thank God. So ladies, never worry about not having your box fresh again and, gentlemen, don’t worry about putting something in that box and having it rot whilst inside. Fresh box is the only way to go, really. Thanks Harriet and I look forward to seeing your fresh box in the Harriet Carter mansion one day.
Product # 2 – Watch out, Failure Model Chick, or this could end up to be you one day. First you end up having a successful acting career playing “Lana” the slutty and flirty love interest of Jack Tripper on Three’s Company and the next thing you know your modeling outdoor brooms in the Harriet Carter catalog. Seriously, I have no clue if that’s Lana in the left picture, but it’s fun to assume it is. It’s also scary to think that she is the first thing I think of when viewing this item. I’d want to go on medication to correct these issues I have, but would miss my random thoughts. Therefore, no meds! Anyway, it looks like Lana has no clue how to use this high-tech outdoor broom, but it’s not totally her fault. After further inspection, there appears to be nothing to sweep up on the deck. Couldn’t they have at least placed a few leaves or something to make it look more believable? I guess I should just feel lucky that they’re using a real background and not a “blue sky scene.” Wait, is that Mr. Firley I see peeping in the window? That’s just like him. I’m a little pissed that Lana is standing in T-position (thanks for the definition Janine) because if she wasn’t she’d be showing off a little Lana Cameltoe. Now that would have been a real treat. Hey Harriet, come and knock on my door…I’ll be waiting for you.

Product # 3 – Having brunch with a couple of midgets and don’t have thing to cook for them? Well fret no more because you’re in luck with this handy dandy “Breakfast Machine” from Harriet Carter. Remember, midgets aren’t real people. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re like unicorns. I just checked my set of encyclopedias and they are unicorns. Anyway, whether you’re cooking for midgets or unicorns keep one thing in mind, they are small people and don’t need the same amount of food or nutrients as us big and “normal” sized people. Don’t waste your money on buying a lot of ingredients. All you need is the Breakfast Machine. Simply crack 2 eggs and pour the contents on top of the Breakfast Machine. Next, use an eye-dropper to put a little bit of coffee and a little bit of water into the coffee maker. I wouldn’t be concerned about adding too much coffee as these midgets no longer need to be concerned about stunting their growth. Finally toss two muffins into the toaster oven section. Please be careful with the muffins though as they will, more than likely, be larger than the midgets in question and could easily crush them. And if you think your biggest problem will be having dead midgets on your hands think again. Do you know how expensive midget coffins are? Anyway, yum! This breakfast looks delicious and the eggs don’t look plastic at all. Your midget guests will squeal with delight and not just because their voices typically sound like pigs squealing. Thanks Harriet! I can’t wait for the day when this Breakfast Machine combusts!

Product # 4 – Nothing spruces up a real pond quite like fake fish and not just any fish, chemically altered fish. You see, these fake fish are shellacked with Polyurethane….just like real fish! Nothing helps explain to your kids the meaning of “death” quite like these products.

Son: Mommy? Why won’t these fish move and why do they smell like a freshly stained deck?

Mother: Well, son, first off stop being such a nosey little brat. Second, these fish are fake honey, not real. You see, mommy and daddy are cheap and friggin idiots and we spent all of our life savings on building a pond in the backyard and there was no money left for real fish so we bought these fake fish that are attached to weights that sink to the bottom of the pond and keep the fish floating in the same area all the live-long-day!

Son: Mommy, is the number to DSS still on the refrigerator ‘cuz I wanna call them.

Mommy: Yes, it’s still there honey. Go ahead and call them you were a mistake anyway.

Thanks Harriet for polluting the pond and breaking up a loving family. I hope that one day I find you floating in the pond with weights tied to your tail. I know you have a tail. I just know it.

Well that concludes another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! What a treat this one was. A real treat. I’m a blessing…a blessing and a national treasure.

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