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Harriet Carter: Lights for Your Balls?

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Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, a special day in which all your white-trash dreams can and will come true. This week Harriet confuses God with mulch, puts her balls near your sons face, and reminds you just exactly where your lock as always been. Sounds action packed. Let’s go!Product # 1 – I love when Harriet uses God to help her push products. This time, we have a wonderful little heart shaped stone that says, “One is nearer God’s heart in a garden than anywhere else on earth.” I’m sorry, come again? Everything about God doesn’t necessarily have to be written in old English of some sort. And, quite frankly, I can think of other places you are closer to God, such as church, a cemetery, Jerusalem, under the tree on Christmas morning (??), on your death bed, in a coma, anywhere the Bible is, plummeting to your death during a plane crash, or answering the door when Publisher’s Clearing House is there with a life-size check for $1,000,000. I also believe God is in the bathroom with you when you’re showering and touching your naughty bits, but perhaps that’s just my Catholic-taught education by a bunch of old crusty nuns that brainwashed me. Why would God want to be in a garden? I believe him to want to spend most of his time at a casino putting everything he owns on “red 9” and by “everything he owns” I really mean “oil.” And what about poor old Satan? Where are the places that you’re nearer to him? I think it’s rude to forget about all the wonderful work Satan has done…like such things as creating The Hills, making Paris Hilton famous, allowing Nicole Richie to make babies, and the like. Where’s his stone?
Product # 2 – So, er, by the looks of this kid and the way he’s holding the bat something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s going to have a bunch of balls all around his head. I’m just saying, get a higher grip, son. And, not for nothing, but if you’re going to teach “him” how to play baseball I’d suggest not loading this contraption with balls the size of golf balls because unless you are thinking of making up your own sport there isn’t one that exists in which you’d swing at anything that small. Oh, and if this is all that he practices with wait until he’s up at bat the first time at a real baseball game. The bat it likely to split in two when he swings and he’ll be crying as he runs from homeplate to 3rd base. And you know this is “the” kid who’s totally running the bases backwards. Sure the crowd will giggle with delight but his dad will bury his face in his hands and damn the day he never got that vasectomy. This kid is better off filling that machine with Barbie Doll heads and trying to catch them in his apron. What? Oh you know you were thinking it too. And why the hell are the balls so high and flying directly towards his head? He’s supposed to be swinging at them not swatting at them like they’re fruit flies. My advice? Take this kid out of tee-ball, sit him in front of the first two versions of High School Musical and just wait for the day when he asks permission for you to sign him up for “dance camp.” Just go with it. You’ll make the rest of both of your lives that much easier. Thanks, Harriet, for figuring things out early.
Product # 3 – Hey stupid! Have you forgotten where your door lock is again? I know! It’s like the 5th time this week that you tried to unlock the mailbox. Well, lucky for you, there is now a light that you can “install” over your lock so you can remember just exactly where it is….wait for it…..wait for it……wait for it…..EVERY TIME! What a real treat! Now you can feel even more secure because this trusty little light (that I assume has a bulb that blows out after 14 minutes) will remind burglars that “Hey, I have a lock on this door so you better not even think about it!” Hopefully there’s also a light wherever this chick usually stores her key because most people use this invention called “the key chain” so that they don’t have to carry around one single key at a time. I know. Science! This got me to thinking. You know other places that should have lights? Your penis (if you’re a guy) and your vaginastein (if you’re a lady) because, like most people, you forget where it usually is. Do you wanna know how many times I accidentally tried to pee out of my arm? 6. But don’t stop the light installation there. Oh no. Keep it going. Place lights over your wallet, over your mouth so you remember where to put the food (fatass), on top of the TV so you remember where you watch your favorite shows, and on top of your kids heads while you’re watching them in the pool. I’m sure Benjamin Franklin is squealing with delight from the fiery pits of hell knowing that his invention has been put to good use. I’m kidding about that last part. I don’t know who invented the light. Was it Moses? It was, huh? Anyway thanks, Harriet, for getting me into my house with a 100% success rate!