Harriet Carter: Nice to Meat You!

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Hap-hap-happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Still no luck with getting myself in the Harriet Carter catalog, but I will find I way. I will find a way. This week Harriet gives us some meat money, a bratty kid, some evil wine, and a tribute to vanity smurf. There’s not many shopping days left before Christmas, but you still have time to buy a little something for those you hate the most. I have a list. Let’s go…

Product # 1 – Mmmmmm a meat wallet! Finally my entire wallet can look just like bacon! I’ve been praying to my sweet Jesus since my First Holy Communion that one day I would be able to put my money in some type of holding contraption that not only looks like it’s sizzling, but something that also makes my scrambled eggs jealous. Is Harriet kidding me with this crap? I would be mortified to pay for anything anywhere with this wallet. I would have to live a life of stealing because there is no way I’m showing everyone my meat…wallet that is. Oh and TRUST me, I’m sure that Kohl’s and Chase Bank have no idea that their credit cards are being advertised in a wallet that looks like something a dog chases up the street. And I’m sure whoever the hell is on the the $10 bill is rolling around in his grave. I guess the only good thing about this wallet is that it’s a perfect match for my roast beef sunglasses case and my chicken wings iPod container.

Product # 2 – Ever wonder why your spoiled brat 7 year old comes home from school with a note from his bitch-bag teacher that says he has ADD? Well wonder no more because this mystery is solved! Perhaps your snotty kid can’t focus on anything because you allow him to color at the table while he’s supposed to be eating. Oh, and great job with letting him eat a bowl of colored sugar. I’m sure that Fruity Pebbles is in the food pyramid, right? No, no little Billy, don’t worry about finishing your breakfast, you just keep coloring that picture of what I can only assume is a rollerskate getting ready to run over a flower that is bigger than the rollerskate itself. Hope you have your sunscreen on because the sun is about 2 inches from you. Hot hot hot! I have an idea, why don’t you eat your breakfast and that’s it. Just eat it. Don’t color, don’t sing, don’t talk, don’t read, just eat. Do one thing at a time. I’m not going to drink during your piano recital. Ok fine, I’m totally going to drink during your piano recital, but I’m the adult here. You just do as I say.

Product # 3 – Uh-oh! Thank God you’re in the middle of tying that classy plastic bag seat cover over your cheap-ass dining room chair because someone has viciously thrown a glass of red wine directly onto the chair! Who would have thought!? Where is this person standing that the wine does this? That had to have thrown the entire glass at the chair. Let’s face it, nothing is going to class up your dining room quite like wrapping it in the same plastic that old women use to protect their hair when it rains and the same plastic that these same old women use when they can’t control their bladder.

Product # 4 – Hey sexy! Do you ever feel like you’re so beautiful that you wish you could see yourself everywhere! Is one giant mirror in the bathroom not enough? Well now you can replace every single tile in your bathroom with…wait for it…..wait for it…..tile mirrors! Now you can see that beautiful face of yours from every angle. What a treat. Why do I feel like these won’t look as much like mirrors as they will thin pieces of aluminum foil that’s taped to the wall? Take a gander at the chick in this photo. You think she needs to keep looking at herself? I’d stick to just one little mirror, sweetie. Perhaps even cover your bathroom mirror and just look at your reflection in a spoon. Trust me.

Well that concludes another installment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! See you a-holes next week.

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Harriet Carter: Nice to Meat You!