Me gusta las fiestas de las lapiz y mi nobmre es Harriet Carter en las piernas y el bano! Ay! Ay! Ay! I’m pretty sure that was Spanish for “Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!” I’m trying to expand the audience reach and I hear the Spanish folk is a really blossoming demographic. Ugh. I hate when I show off with my marketing knowledge. Anycrack, this week Harriet inconveniences everyone, sends kids the “right” message, shaves your face with love, and lets couples know it’s ok to just “settle.” Let’s go! I mean, me gusta el hockey!
Product # 1 – You wanna know what’s so not sexy? Not being able to walk. Geesh. I wanna see a little leg and you’re always covering it up with a flannel blanket, even in the summer. The design team at Harriet Carter has spent literally minutes in the lab and came out with this contraption. All you need to do is simply carry these extra long ramps with you at all times. It’s not like they’ll be a pain to carry…I mean, you’re sitting and you’re lucky enough to have wheels. Anyway, simply wheel out your front door and then, basically, just start screaming until someone comes by and asks you what’s wrong. It’s at that precise moment that you hand them the ramps and ask them to “install” them on your front stairs. Once completed, you, like a ski jumper, will literally go speeding down your front stairs. Don’t worry about stopping, though, because I’m sure the cars driving by will cushion the blow as you slide into them. Ouch, metal! Now after the paramedics literally scoop you off the street ask them to be a dear and collect your ramps for you. You’ll be needing them at your next destination. Yowza. What an inconvenience people in wheel chairs are. That’s why my motto is, “If you’re legs don’t work you should be put to sleep.” It’s catchy. I can see it across t-shirts now! Oh, and you know that this “photo shoot” is totally being shot at the projects. Who has those railings any more? Section 8 housing and foreclosure does, that’s who!
Product # 2 – Hey Billy! Why don’t you come downstairs and blow Santa? Yes, Santa Claus. Uh-uh. Blow him. Billy is in full blowing position, that little minx. I’m pretty sure at any moment Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” is going to pop out from behind that tree and ask someone to pull a chair for a second because he has a few questions. Gross. Anyway, I say this actually does send the right message to kids. You know what doesn’t get you as far in life as you’d think it would? Studying hard, that’s what. Basically, once you finish college you realize what a complete shit-pit the world is and the only people who really ever make anything of themselves are those who blow their way to the top. Example: Lohan’s. Little Billy needs to learn this lesson now. Time to get on your knees Billy because it’s a shitty economy out there and everyone is competing for the same 2 jobs. So start blowing. Practicing on Santa is perfectly fine because since we’re in a recession the only way Santa is going to be able to bring your Huffy is if you do a little $2 dollar sucky sucky on him. It’s a fact. Oh and good luck getting any money from the Tooth Fairy. The only way she’ll even consider giving you a dime is if you start playing the “alphabet game” on her little fairy “gentlemen greeter.” Don’t stop after you’ve reached “K.” Trust me. The rest of the alphabet is a real crowd pleaser. Ok. I’m not kidding, I don’t even remember what the Harriet Carter product is at this point. I’ve hit a new low. Sweet!
Product # 3 – Why hello there, sexy! B5. Again, B5. What? Do we have a BINGO in the hall? A BINGO in the hall? Seriously that facial hair remover is one of those BINGO dobbers. I know it says it’s a facial hair remover, but I’m pretty sure this “lady” has rubbed it all over her junk because even though her penis has been removed her face is still screaming “man.” I guess it’s a really cost effective sex change operation, but still. Also, this “chick” seems like she’s all hopped on something. I’m assuming by the eyes she’s on Ecstasy. Mmm. Sexy. Imagine meeting “her” at the club and taking her home. Yum. Instead of her saying “Let me slip into something more comfortable” she’s really like, “Let me tuck my nuts between my legs and get rid of my mustache.” Yeah, nice try you tricky little whore. I’ve fallen for your little game one time too many…which technically is 6 times. Next time I’m just going to ask. I’ll be like, “Hi my name is IBBB, do you have a set of nuts or have you ever had a set of nuts?” I think it’s false advertising if they don’t disclose that right up front. I mean, anyone can throw a few towels down their shirt and have instant presto breastos! Anynuts, this “chick” should also take that hair remover and take a few swipes over her eyebrows. She looks too surprised.
Product # 4 – Hey there “couple.” Yup, this is pretty much as good as it’s going to get for you. You made the right choice just settling with each other. I mean, it’s a dog eat dog world out there and, let’s face it, neither of you are a real prize. Who needs a real fireplace to cozy up in front of? Your husband was right. This is
like the same thing. Don’t just stop there though. You should be half assing everything in your life. Let me correct that. You already are half assing everything in your life. You buy all non-brand name items at the supermarket. You buy your Christmas wrapping paper for the following year on December 26th. Hell, you buy next years gifts on December 26th. You wear one of those “dickies” because who really as the time and/or money for the full shirt? Who needs real flowers when the silk flowers last all year round? Just spray them with a little Febreeze and you’re good to go. Although you won’t buy real Febreeze, so spray them with LeBreeze from Walgreens. Why get the Honda when the Kia is basically the same, but $10K cheaper? Real Christmas trees? That’s dumb. Just get the fake one and keep it up 3 weeks longer. Pollo sweaters are really almost the same as Polo sweaters. I mean, someone has to buy the Vivatron Techno Flat Panel TV, it might as well be you. This really is your life. You’re the “Almost as Good as” couple. You deserve each other.
That concludes another Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. Nosotros amigos!