Harriet Carter Product of the Week: A Gift for the Person Who Has Nothing

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A reader of the IBBB (Kristen) left me a note on the Facebook telling me about a dream she had that I brought back the Harriet Carter.  Since Oprah says to dream big I figured I would make her dream come true and pull Harriet out from the rusted out dumpster she lives in/shares with her cats.  Allegedly.  Actually not at all.  Therefore, this is like that season where Oprah made an 18 wheeler bus with her bare hands and drove across the country for her wildest dreams tour.  Although I have no bus and this is more like a nightmare…same/same.

If you’re looking for the perfect gift for the person who has nothing, why does Harriet have a little something for you!  Introducing “Hooting Owl & Burping Keychain” because at the end of the day toddlers in odd parts of China are getting creative in their sweatshop.  If you’re like me you’re always thinking, “Ugh (shake fist at the sky) my keys are so boring.  I wish they would, like, hoot or burp.”  Finally it’s the answer to all of our faux-prayers.  Now I can almost understand why the owl hoots, but why does the hamburger burp?  If anything it should shout things like, “I lead to Lipitor!”  So dumb.  And by the way, what owl do you know says “hoots!”  They may “hoot” but they seldom “hoots.”  The sweatshop kids better learn proper grammar..like me.  Plus, that thing is possessed.  It has Anna Nicole eyes from various Trim Spa commercials.  Suddenly I want a Viper….and a dirt nap.

And what are they talking about when they say, “Give them to your kids…your favorite night owl…”  Hoot in the hell is your favorite night owl?  Do they mean, like whore?  Like a booty call?  “Give them to your favorite whore!”  Now I’m currently sans whore, but I’d like to think if I had a whore I’d totally go with the burger.  That way during intimate times if untimely gas passing happens I could simple blame it on the burger.  Hashtag burps.  Moreover, if you buy this for anyone you are a terrible human being and should probably be put on a 5150 because clearly you can’t control your own money.  And they wonder why the Obamacare website keeps crashing.  It’s like all the good overseas coders are busy building flatulating keychains!  Now see what I did there is what I like to call “political humor.”  It’s similar to jokes told on Meet the Press.  I’m very political.  I know things like where do put your hand during the national anthem and that JFK was killed by Elvis.  You know, things like that.

In closing, this gift is moot because anyone who would buy and/or use this is most likely without a car or home and in no actual need of a key of any kind.  Unless, that is, you can use it for your locker at your local YMCA where you keep your good tin-foil hat, stack of 1980’s TV Guides in hopes of learning how to use and sell on eBay, and your fancy “interviewing underwear.”  Wishing you a wonderful day filled with 2 hoots and 3 burps.

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