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Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Sexcuses

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The Magnetic Pad – Are you tired of “doing sex” with your husband?  Have you used “time of the month” excuses at least twice a week since the late ‘80s?  Did you think your cheap flammable lingerie (pictured above) would turn him off so that you could finally get a nice nights sleep free of penetration?  Well if you’ve run out of excuses to “quit the banging” does Harriet Carter have the product for you!  Take a peak at the “Magnetic Pad.”  Finally, science put to good use!  Simply place this (more than likely) future cancer causing highly charged magnetic field on you bed, awkwardly lay sideways, and presto chango your legs are virtually glued together!  So when your husband is looking to take a walk in the garden, if you know what I mean, (spoiler alert:  I mean sex) you don’t even have to rack your brain for excuses you just need to point towards the pad, shrug your shoulders, and simply state “science.”  You’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time and he’ll be humping that long body pillow you bought him for his birthday until he’s dry-heaving over the side of the bed and screaming for God to pluck him from this miserably heartless world.  Ladies, please note that after countless months of using the Sexless Pad your husband may begin to foster additional ideas.  It is vital that you change things up once in a while and place your fat ass on the pad as he is less likely to have frank discussions with you about “entering the property through the back door.”  The “magnets” can keep that closed as well.  And be on the look out for a “mouth pad” and “hand pads” coming to a Walgreen’s near you in Spring 2011.  “Magnetic Pads:  Because Only Science Can Stop Him.”

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