Harriet Carter: She Just Won’t Die

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Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It seems like just 7 days ago it was Harriet Carter Wednesday. Funny the way the calendar works. It’s all tricky and stuff. Anyway, this week Harriet continues to try and sell us crap that 100% confuses me, yet keeps me entertained. I’m still going strong on my campaign to be in the Harriet Carter crapalog…maybe posing with a child? I’m just kidding, a court order prevents me from doing so. Anyway, enough about me. Let’s go!Product # 1 – Hey crazy! Are you trying to get yourself all purdy but your dang-dung glasses keep getting in the way? Well now you no longer have to suffer thanks to eyeglasses that apparently come apart so you can put on some white-trash eye makeup. I’m not even sure what this lady has in her hand. It looks like a scalpel to me. Just do it lady! Do us all a favor. I’m also not too sure how this contraption works. Do these attach to your existing glasses? Is this a whole new pair of glasses? One may never know. Also, is that Meredith Viera wearing these? Hmmm can’t be. This chicks teeth are too white. Ok, so I’ve been studying this picture for about 10 minutes and I can’t figure out the eyes. If she is putting makeup on her left eye (my left) why would she have both eyes pointing to the right. Oh wait, that’s where the mirror comes in handy. Anyway, I say once your makeup is on just right don’t even take these glasses off. Keep them on and wear them as you run all your errands. Hell, make a game out of it. See how many “special” discounts you can get. Up the ante by carrying an empty mug with you and see how many people just start tossing spare change in it. For even more bonus points, carry a blind persons walking stick and see if you can get one of those awesome seeing-eye ponies donated to you. If you get it, can I have it? I want to ride one of those to work, right up 7th Ave! Thanks Harriet for selling broken glasses to the dumb public.

Product # 2 – Easy there fella. Don’t be so down in the dumps because you haven’t had “adult relations” (I try to keep things clean, as you know) with an actual woman in a while. I know, I know you’re just in a rut. Maybe it’s because you’re eating bowls of popcorn on the couch and look a little to excited to be watching TV? I won’t judge. Well gentlemen, don’t let your sex weapon get too rusty or you’ll never never get to use it and it will totally fall off. It will, trust me. I’ve been close before. Now, thanks to Harriet Carter (and possibly several Indian children chained to a sewing machine of a hot and dusty sweatshop) you don’t have to be alone anymore! Rejoice! Rejoice! You too can now have your very own Girlfriend Pillow with old lady grandma fingers attached! Snuggle up with “Headless Pillow Girl” on those extra lonely nights and you’ll never find the need to go out to meet a real live woman again. Rest your head on her fake pillow boobs and wrap your sexless hand around her cut-off waist. Next, simply place her only arm (with bracelet) around your neck and let the magic really start flowing. Hell, go crazy and even place her hand….in the popcorn bowl and let her feed you. Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. I mean, let’s face it, a one-armed, headless, legless woman. What’s better than that? God bless you Harriet Jasmine Latoya Carter. God bless you! There really is someone out there for everyone!

Product # 3 – Brrrrrr. Shit it’s cold out. I wish I had my very own heated ice scraper so that I could scrape the fake ice off my cartoon car that’s covered in fake cartoon snow. Hopefully it’s not too windy so that fake cartoon tree doesn’t fake fall on me! Oh, and fake. I say bravo to this chick who is working her many acting talents that include “cleaning non-existent car.” She’s like the weatherman of photoshoot acting. Oh well, just another bullet point on her acting resume. Wait though, I have a question. How come they couldn’t demonstrate this on an…oh I don’t know….actual car? I typically don’t buy products that are demonstrated on cartoons (except for that one time I bought a “pin the boobs on the Jessica Rabbit” but that’s clearly another story for another time). And you know that “Failure Model Chick” is PISSED she didn’t get cast for this shoot. It’s right up her alley, as she is used to covering half of her face for the Harriet Carter catalog. Perhaps she just isn’t as well versed in “cartoon demonstration.” She might as well just stick to back scratchers, oversized blankets, and eye cream. We can’t all be the Meryl Streep of the catalog now can we?

Product # 4 – What kind of demon had to exit your ass for you to need this power drill (??) to clean your toilet bowl. If you need actual motorized equipment to clean your toilet you need to see a specialist. And, if you need something like this because you “shat” out your entire weeks worth of dinners don’t you think you should be wearing special plastic gloves and perhaps a HazMat suit? Goggles? I’d think so. I would, however, like to thank the people of Harriet Carter for not actually showing us what’s in that toilet. Although, I wouldn’t mind seeing a little cartoon sludge with squiggly lines coming out of it that represents “the stink” but I am grateful of not showing the real thing. I bet Harriet takes some mean mean mean dumps or “Shasta McNasty’s” as I like to call them. At that point I would just buy a new toilet. Maybe keep a few extras in the garage for that “just in case moment.” At the very least, at least make sure you hide that equipment when company comes over. I mean, save that surprise for the yearly family Christmas letter. Don’t ruin it! Thanks Harriet, you shitty-pants beast!

Well, that concludes another installment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, the weekly gift that keeps on giving. It really does give until it hurts. And it hurts bad.