Harriet Carter: The One With the Harriet Carter Thursday

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Happy Belated Harriet Carter Wednesday, also known as Harriet Carter on a Thursday. I had been battling the flu (possibly the bird flu) since Saturday and am finally slowly getting better. Thanks for the well wishes you sick sons-a-bitches. Similar to the Berlin Wall coming down or when JFK was shot, you will always remember exactly where you where when Harriet Carter skipped Wednesday and moved (temporarily) to Thursday. You’ll tell your grandkids and they’ll tell their grandkids….but it will stop there because I’m sure the world will implode at that point due to Global Warming. Anyway, here’s some new crap that Harriet is selling this week. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ouch that refrigerator is heavy! Gee I wish I had orange straps that I could wrap around my forearms so I could easily move the refrigerator. Boy am I glad that I wore my dress pants and shoes to move this crap. If those statements have ever run through your head well does Harriet have a product for you. Simply wrap these straps around your forearms and lift away. Oh and do me a favor, videotape yourself doing it because I want to send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos when your arms are ripped right out from their sockets. What’s also great about this is that apparently Adolf Hitler himself is helping his friend move. That’s nice of him. I guess maybe good old Adolph had a bad rep. His friend (on the left) is apparently doing “#2” in his pants while he’s trying to move the refrigerator. I say, why the hell not. If you have to move something that heavy you might as well just start letting loose right in your pants. This is a great trick. All you need to do is crap you pants once during the move and no friend will ever ask you to help them again. Oh, and by the way when someone wants me to help them move they better mean bring a box or two of clothes and books into their new place. If I ever showed up and they were like, “Ok strap this thing on, we’re moving the fridge” I just turn around and walk out…and never answer their call again. Thanks Harriet…for the hernia!

Product # 2 – Anxious because the housing market is crapping the bed? Feel like you’ll be stuck in your “investment house” forever? Have you tried everything to sell it? Everything? I didn’t think so. Well maybe you should try pimping out a Saint Joseph statue and see if that helps. I mean, nothing pleases God more then using religious figures to help turn a profit, and quick! Enjoy your stay in hell, by the way. For me, my second favorite part of this product, besides the concept itself, is the description that actually says, “Includes simple instructions…” Really? Simple instructions? What could even be on the instruction sheet? I imagine it says something like this: “Put on lawn.” Who opens this and is like, “Hmmm, now what exactly do I do with this?” Since I’m a man of statistics I’d like to know the percentage of homes sold that have statues of Mary (on the half-shell) as compared to homes sold that have Joseph statues on the lawn. I feel that these stats will tell us if Hilary or Obama will take the nomination. Thanks Harriet for helping pick the President!

Product #3 – Guess who’s back. Back again. Failure Model Chick’s back. Tell a friend. Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back. For me, “Failure Model Chick” is like a real life celebrity. I’m so proud of her. “Failure Model Chick” is looking fresh and spring-like while watering her plants. Just another bullet-point for the old resume, huh Failure Model Chick? By the looks of her shirt, is that a little baby bump that I see? Who did this to you!? Was it Harriet? She does have a penis, doesn’t she? Well she at least has penis-like qualities. I think it would be great if Failure Model Chick was knocked the hell up. Then her little Failure Model Fetus and, one day, Failure Model Children could be in the Harriet Carter catalog too. Figures, I lose out to a fetus. Again.

Product # 4 – Arf Arf! You know that I love dogs! Question. Why not just put the air conditioner on? Or I say, roll down the window a bit and just risk it. It’s more like trusting fate. If you roll the window down and your little dog jumps out while you’re driving down the highway going speeds upwards of 80 mph well, then, that’s just fate. What? I’m just sayin’. What dog is smart enough to know to jump out the window? That’s a trick question. Suicidal dogs, that’s who. So this is basically a great way to completely humiliate your dog. This gate says, “Yeah my dog has suicidal tendencies and can’t be trusted with fresh air. So what?” All the other gross dogs and cats in the neighborhood will pretend to look down when you drive by them. No one wants to be associated with a suicidal dog. Then your dog and the other neighborhood animals will one day bump into each other in the park and it will be all awkward and they’ll say things like, “Oh we definitely need to get together soon” but they never will. And when “suicidal dog” starts to walk away the other dogs will tell their puppies not to ever talk to “suicidal dog” because you can “catch suicide.” Ok, I’m done. Thanks Harriet for continuing to humiliate dogs. P.S Sorry Ang.

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