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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Balls, Ball Bag, Death Pillow

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Harriet Carter’s a brick, house.  She’s mighty, mighty.  She’s letting it all hang out.  Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, down.  Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, down. Brick……house.  Now that I got that out of my system, Happy HCW.  This week Harriet keeps you professional even during a recession, makes  ball jokes that, well, I would make, and helps solve a murder mystery with some simple needlepoint and a pillow.  Let’s go!


Product # 1 – Yeeeeee Hawwwww!  Y’all gonna be puttin’ some extra stank on your punch to y’all wife tonight because guess who just landed a big ole’, one of them there, career job talkin’ interviews at Stop & Shop?!  Why it’s y’all of course!  Make sure you add a little shampoo around the collar of your dress shirt and under the arms because those pit and sweat stains aint too purdy.  And what career job talkin’ interview isn’t complete without y’all very own briefcase?  If you can’t afford genuine leather (yeeeeeee haw!) then does Harriet got somethin’ that’s sure to tickle you in your cow path.  Introhello to the Hillbilly Briefcase!  It even comes with a wooden handle so you can carry your pencil and straws of hay right inside those underwears.  But don’t go wasting next weeks bail money on this.  No, uh-uh, no.  You can make a briefcase all on your own.  All’s y’all need is some skidmarked Hanes husky underwears (preferably with hardened yellow piss stains on or around the pee pee hole) and wooden picket off your broken front yard fence (you know, the one that’s helping hold up the Beware of Dog sign?).  Well now y’all ready to see if y’all gonna gets the night cashier job at Stop & Shop.  Just remember, always show that one toof y’all got because a nice smile makes everyone feel more comfortable.  Once the big job talk is over, unhook the Hanes husky underwears from the picket and put them back on because, well, I know y’all only have one pair of underpants.  Good luck y’all!


Product # 2 –  My personal nightmare is living in the part of the country where a pillow like this is just sitting on the couch.  I’m not entirely sure why anyone needs a pillow like this, but my best educated guess is going to be: Domestic Violence.  And who the hell hunts?  Yeah, I’m sure it’s really tough to shoot a deer taking a leisurely walk in the woods while you’re dressed in camouflage, hiding in a tree, with a helmet on your head….and armed with a rifle.  Ohhhh I wonder who’s gonna win?  Big shot.  Anytrash, the lady who made this pillow is sending a specific message to the detectives who are likely working on her disappearance case.  Either way, it makes no sense to me.  So she’s buried in the woods?  So her husband is going to hunt for her?  Do hunters typically shoot into the ground because, well, that’s typically where you get buried.  Maybe he’s hunting ants now?  It’s a tough call.  And why is the word “husband” colored in green?  And most importantly, why do pillows have to have jokes on them?  Whatever happened to the days when pillows were just a simple piece of fabric, stuffed with feathers and/or cotton and/or some synthetic poly-blend, and used to help cushion and comfort your head?  Not everything needs a joke.  For example, I’m not going to sew jokes into my rug.  Although….maybe…..


Product # 3 – Haha.  Sack.

Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday.  We now return your to your regularly scheduled program.

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