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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Because Every Day is Like Christmas

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Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and too all a good night! It may be the week of Halloween, but I’m already in the white-trash-crappy-useless-products-Christmas-spirit! This week in the Harriet Carter crapalog, Harriet reallllly F’s with Nana, makes you uncomfortable under the mistletoe, and reinvents the Christmas tree. I blame gas prices. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Happy 82nd birthday Nana! We got this bottle of your favorite Scotch, as we know you like to kick a few back and then yell obscenities out the front window at the neighbors at 2:00 in the afternoon! Well, folks, nothing f’s with Nana’s dependency on the bottle quite like a Liquor Puzzle! A Liquor Puzzle you ask? Yes, a Liquor Puzzle. Liquor? I hardly know her! Nana will be squealing with delight while she uses her arthritic fingers to try and get this bottle open. If she clutches her left arm whilst trying to solve the puzzle, feel free to give 911 a quick call because Nana may be close to meeting her maker. I say put this “puzzle lock” on all of Nana’s belongings like her pill box, the toilet seat, and her bag of yarn. Watching Nana squirm and fidget is only half the fun. Wait until he completely loses her mind, smashes the bottle up against the wall and drinks the liquor right off the floor mixed in with all the broken glass. Make sure you’re camera ready because nothing says “memories” quite like Nana smiling with a mouth full of cuts and blood. I love you Nana! May you live for another 82 days.

Product # 2 – Do you love it when your Mistletoe yells filthy slurs at you while you’re kissing your whore? I know I do. I always think, “Hmmm, if only something was yelling at me.” Well you are now in luck thanks to the “Nasty Talking Mistletoe.” Thanks to two AA batteries, you can hear such scandalous phrases as: “Get a room, why don’t ya,” and “Mmmm check out THOSE ornaments!” and “Hey, hey…let’s see some action down there!!” Wow. I hope this comes with an XXX rating. I’m going to make my own Nasty Mistletoe that will say the following: “Wow I thought we were just going to kiss, but now I see your pussy. I’m talking about your cat.” And other holiday favorites like, “Wanna see my balls? I mean my kissing balls? Wanna kiss my balls. Ho ho ho?” And finally my personal favorite, “Santa went down the chimney. You wanna go down my pants and give me hand pleasure? Tis the season!” See, if you add a “Tis the season” in there it doesn’t seem so bad. I’m loving a filthy Christmas. Merry Christmas to all and to all a skank-filled night!

Product # 3 – Thanks to me being a Catholic, also known as “the right religion” I get to experience the joy of Christmas, especially since Santa technically gave birth to Jesus. It actually wasn’t Mary who did. It was just a misunderstanding. Oh, and that whole “in a manger” scenario was a bit exaggerated. They were just a little ticked off because they didn’t get a room with a balcony. Anyway, Christmas has become very ho-hum and really needed a change. So, thanks to the scientists in the Harriet Carter lab they’ve decided to start selling upside down Christmas trees. I shit you not. The tree is literally put together upside down because, you know, that makes complete sense. But don’t fret, white trash customers, you can still hang your ghetto I Love Lucy ornaments and M&M Santa’s on the upside down tree. Phew! I was scared for a second because what would you have done if you ended up losing literally 10’s of dollars on your complete ornament collection!? Just think of the precious look on your kids faces when they wake up and run downstairs in their pissed stained pajamas and you tell them that Satan (not Santa) F’d with their house on Christmas morning! What joy! You can even kick it up a notch by having your local priest come over and perform and exorcism on the kids right after they open their gifts. I’d tell my kids that they were so bad all year long that Santa said “F*ck the coal in their stockings” and he decided to just flip the god damn tree right the hell over. For an added bonus see how many verses of “Noel” you and the family can sing before the entire tree bursts into flames! Ole!