Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, the happiest and trashiest day of the week! I’d like to go on record as saying that at some point I may end up reviewing every product that has ever been in the Harriet Carter crapalog. The day that happens I believe world implosion takes place, so good luck with that. This week Harriet flavors up our salt and pepper with the taste of ass, helps to bring down a young childs self esteem, makes cats religious, and tricks even the trickiest of burglars. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Does your wife’s cooking taste like ass? Well let her know how much you truly don’t appreciate her crappy cooking by sending her subliminal messages by using your very own “ass” salt and pepper shakers (skid marks sold separately). You can say things like, “Mmmm, honey, this roast is good, but I’m going to add a little ass salt and a little ass pepper to it because I’d rather literally taste ass then continue eating this meal as is.” Classy! I’ve taken the opportunity to write into the Harriet Carter catalog and recommend some additional products that would really compliment this salt and pepper set. Hopefully one day you’ll be able to add to your kitchen table the “Big Boobs Milk Dispenser” which is perfect for your kids cereal all while teaching them a bit about the birds and the bees. Next up, don’t forget the plastic “Mustard Penis.” When it’s time for a hamburger why not squeeze the plastic penis and add a little mustard to your meal? You’re kids will think it’s piss, but you’ll know better, wink wink! Finally, what meal wouldn’t be complete without a “It’s That Time of the Month Ketchup Dispenser!” “Hey kids, Mommy is really cranky this time every
month and to demonstrate why, would someone please pass the squeezable plastic ‘hoo-ha’?” Why the hell not teach while you eat? You’re welcome!
Product # 2 – Poor little Billy Joe Bobby Joe doesn’t have a fighting chance when he grows up thanks to the help from his supportive yet mentally abusive parents. One screw up of the alphabet and little Billy Joe Booby Joe is forced into a life of a “Future Redneck!” Parents, really mess with his head by inviting the neighbors trailer trash over for dinner (which I assume will be hot dogs and Mac-N-Cheese) and half them point and laugh your poor stupid little son. Put down the flash cards and nevermind studying your multiplication tables because you’re going to be a future redneck! Now, as you know by now, I’m all for making fun of little defenseless children, but even I think a shirt like this is crossing the line. At least let this kid make the decision if he’s going to be a future redneck himself. Let him screw up on his own….then buy him the shirt. This order should never be reversed. Thanks Harriet for helping this family to save money on college tuition. Yeeeee-haw!
Product # 3 – Are you ready to pull a fast one over on those tricky burglars that have been watching your house for the past month? Well now you can thanks to the trusty “House Sitter.” Once you install this contraption you’ll basically send the message to the burglars that “not only are we home, but we’re currently in every friggin’ room in the house!” Come and get me you burglarizing sons-a-bitches! The “House Sitter” not only automatically turns on all the lights in your house when you’re not at home, but you can program it to also turn on all the TVs and radios too! What a savior! I mean you’re house won’t be burglarized, but I believe you have a 86% chance of it burning right to the ground thanks to every electrical appliance being turned on and left on. What burglar is going to want to try to get into the house when it’s been set ablaze? No burglars, that’s who! The people who own this contraption in the above picture are 100% certain that the lights own will keep prowlers away that they’ve even left their front door open. No joke, it is. Also, I think if you look closer you can see that they’ve stapled $100 dollar bills to the inside screen. I think it’s a great idea to taunt the burglars in any way you can. Oh by the way, once the burglars see that every light in your house goes on at exactly the same time 3 days in a row you can pretty much be sure that they’re going to figure out what you’ve been up to so I’d lock that front door, you know, just in case.
Product # 4 – No matter if you’ve been praying for pussy lately or if your ceramic pussy has been praying for you, this is definitely the cat you need in your life. Has little “Whiskers McStinky-Bottoms” gone to heaven? Do you miss him? Well honor him, now! And nothing quite honors your dead cat like this collectors item. Clearly Helen Keller has designed this cat as she has added colorful glass balls at the end of its whiskers. Actually, that could be lollipops sticking out of its nose…I have no idea. Oh and look at those beautiful blue angel wings. They’re just like a real angels wings; blue! Now is that supposed to be a halo on his head or did you just ram one half of your eyeglasses into its scalp? And nothing quite makes Whiskers McStinky-Bottoms more feminine then painting him pink. He’ll love that! I’m sure he’ll be smiling down on your from heaven once he sees this. Oh, and by “smiling down on you” I actually mean “licking its own crotch.” I guess I finally understand why he’s praying. He’s praying to Kitty God to not give him 9-lives as he would like to check out of your cocoon of tackiness ASAP. Only one life is needed for this one! God damn it I love animals!
Well that concludes another installment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!