Harriet Carter Wednesday Spooktacular!

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Trick-or-Crap! It’s Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday Halloween Spooktacular edition! While photos of Harriet Carter topless would be sure to frighten a child of any age, unfortunately I couldn’t find any. I’m still holding out for the Harriet Carter sex tape. Anyway, luckily Harriet Carter Wednesday just happened to fall on Halloween, which can only mean one thing…today we’ll be reviewing some of Harriet’s Halloween products in her crapalog. Yee-Haw! Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Trick or stink! I bet one wreath has never stunk like cheap plastic more than this gem. In typical Harriet Carter fashion, they seem go overboard with a concept. How about a pumpkin wreath with a few pumpkins on it? Nope. How about a pumpkin wreath with about 243 pumpkins smashed into it. Save the time having to tell your neighbors that you’re complete white-trash. Now you can just display your very own white-trash flag with this wreath. Seriously that looks gross. What the hell is a pumpkin wreath anyway? They don’t even look like pumpkins. They look like tomato’s. Enjoy your tomato wreath. Wakka wakka!

Product # 2 – Trick or dumb! Have you finished decorating the absolute piss out of your house? Well don’t just stop there. Bring the rest of your Halloween crap outside and start decorating the piss out of anything and everything on your property line. Trees not scary enough? Simply add some faces (??) to your boring tree and make it spooktastic! Choose from the green eyes, green nose, and purple bow-tie face…because, you know, that makes sense. Or go for the more traditional scarecrow tree face because little kids walking by your house need to think that trees have faces because, lets face it, that’s what this holiday is all about. No wonder why other countries hate us. Sidenote, how in the hell tall are those trees? They must be pretty tall because they’re in the sky according to the picture. Are those Jesus’ trees? And why are there colored leaves on the base of the first tree? Do tree stumps grow colored leaves? Oh wait, I think it’s supposed to look like those leaves just fell there. Yeah, that looks natural. I think I can almost see the glue from the glue-gun on the leaves. Thanks Harriet, thanks for making trees fun again.

Product # 3- Trick or Child Skank! Feel that your little daughter isn’t quite slutty enough for trick-or-treating? Well worry no more because now you can quickly skank her up with this low-cut cheerleader costume. Ra! Ra! Sis-Boom-Kiddy Porn! Give me a D. Give me an I. Give me a D. Give me another D. Give me an L. Give me an E. Give me an R. Give me and S. Give me another D. Give me another R. Give me another E. Give me an A. Give me an M. What does that spell? I said what does that spell? Diddlers Dream! Diddlers Dream! Diddlers Dream! Ok, seriously, there should be a rule. If your daughter is so young that she’s still missing teeth (i.e picture above) then she may me a little too young to be wearing a short skirt, makeup, and showing her stomach. I have 6 words for you: Jon Benet Ramsey. And we all know how that crap turned out. So before you send your skank-bag of a daughter out with her friends trick-or-treating door to door you may not want to make it so easy for the kidnappers and diddlers. Put her in a mask and a coat. You know, make them work for it. Because remember, diddling and kidnapping isn’t just a pastime, it’s like Christmas on Halloween for these perverts. Ho-ho-boo!

Product # 4 – Trick or Awkward Pose/Costume! How adorable. A couple’s costume. Apparently being a human set of handcuffs is something that actually…exists? And to really top of this costume, one must wear all black and even some black leather pants because…er…uh…that’s what handcuffs do? The dude is giving the typical, “I’m a douche-bag and am so pussy whipped that I had to go to this costume party with my pain in the ass wife” look. And the chick is giving the typical, “This was the best idea I’ve ever had for a costume and can’t wait to show our friends just how creative I am. Wow it’s going to be really tricky when it’s time to go to the bathroom. I bet my friends will comment on that and we’ll all laugh” look. What a real hoot! Now I’m not fully sure why she is posing that way. Do handcuffs typically make you look like you’re taking a spooktacular dump AND that your hand is broken? I guess so.