Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Can you believe 2009 is over? I can because there are 365 days in the year and we’re basically at day 363. Did you not figure that out? Well it’s been quite the year for Harriet Carter products so I decided to post some of the worst products that IBBB has reviewed in 2009. I think I chose the top 10. I’m not sure. You tell me. I hope 2010 brings much more white-trash garbage than any other year! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Ok, we can’t blame Harriet, herself, for the Bumpits, but can I just say that I can’t get enough of this commercial? I don’t want to oversell this, but Bumpits are the best thing that have ever been created and they use the best models that have ever been born to sell this crap. Of course they’re not using Failure Model Chick, but it’s only a matter of time before she gets her pencil eyebrows and wacky-rack into the mix. Anyway, with the Bumpit you place this plastic contraption on top of your hair andthen you brush your bleached blond hair over it. Hit it with about 2 cans of AquaNet you’ve got yourself a quick and easy hairdo. It’s perfect if you’re trying to capture the essence of Peg Bundy or if you’re just a middle-aged single woman who tans 6 days a week, bleaches her hair, smokes Newport’s, has a French manicure, and wears stretch pants. Oh, or if you’re one of the Real Housewives of Orange County, this is the product for you…and you probably already have it (Tamra). The best part about the Bumpitis the girls in the commercial. They try to act all sexy, especially that one chick who they pretend is on a red carpet…but they just have her in front of this cardboard cutout walking by as a fake camera flashes. You know the chick I’m talking about. Brilliant! I’m a dude and even I want to try the Bumpit. I wonder if they’ll create one for your boobs? Maybe the Bumptits? It can push ‘em up and towards your chin. Trademark that.
Product # 2 – Now here’s the perfect gift for those jackasses who are suing the navigation companies because they drove into a lake after they claim their navigation systems instructed them to do so! This whole entire waste of money is actually just one big gag. Can you imagine? Instead of GPS it’s called GPStress. Get it? I barely do. All you need to do is simply mount it (giggity) onto your friends dashboard before you’re both taking a cheap trip and get ready for the laughs to start and hijnks to ensue. Suddenly a woman with a British accent starts spewing out one-liners such as: “In 50 feet turn off the ball game and put on my favorite Barry Manilow CD,” andmy personal disturbing favorite, “I’m sorry we didn’t sleep together last night, but can you stop driving like a lunatic?” Brilliant. What does that even mean? You know the writers were all sitting around the table and we like, “Ok, now let’s throw in a sex joke.” They, of course, took the first joke that someone suggested. Even the streets on the gag-GPStress map are are a real hoot. They’re called things like, “Desperation Way,” and“Backseat Drive.” Get it? I hope they allow you to prerecord some messages as well. I’d like to record some of the following: “We’re in a recession and you just spent $19.99 on this crap so you can pull over such a lame gag that you’re only going to get that ‘breathing out of the nose’ laugh” or “Let’s get a divorce,” or “Who’s had more abortions this year: The prostitute on the corner or me? The answer is, of course, me,” or “Little Billy isn’t really yours.” The ideas are endless. Please, America, stop wasting your money. Harriet, you are the deficit.
Product # 3 – If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone telling me to get my caulk-away, I’d have 5 cents. Oh! Stop me if ya heard it before! Try the veal! Not only does Harriet want to get your caulk away, she also wants to help make your caulk right. Because, folks, at the end of the day if your caulk ain’t right, either is your life. With this mysterious “caulk away tool” it makes removing your caulk super easy and claims you don’t need to use harsh chemicals. Ouch! Windex on your caulk, while it does keep it shiny, can burn like the dickens…or so I’ve been told. In addition the “caulk rite” tool helps you to smooth some fresh caulk better than a putty knife. I assumed that was what wax was for, but if the caulk rite will keep your caulk smooth I guess it’s always, always, always, safer than a knife. If you end up using the knife you might as well call it “Caulk Be Gone” because your caulk will, literally, be gone. And if your caulk is gone you can pretty much guarantee you won’t ever be able to store your caulk in a box. Ole! So, dear readers, the next time you’re working with the caulk in your bathroom, be sure to go easy and think twice before full caulk removal. Sometimes just cleaning up the caulk is better than having no caulk at all. Oh, and in case there was any confusion I was making penis jokes. Penis.
Product # 4 – Feel like you’re too popular in the office? Want to bring your “likability level” down a couple thousand notches? Well I’ve found a “cute-as-a-button” way for you to do just that. All you need to do is toss on this (probably highly flammable) t-shirt with a catchy saying that says just how your feel. Pout. Pout. Pout. It says, “Don’t Talk to Me Before I’ve Had My Coffee…Actually Don’t Talk to Me Then Either!” Laugh. Do you guys get it? Basically the person wearing this shirt doesn’t want you to talk to them before OR after they’ve had their coffee! Wait a minute, when are we supposed to be able to talk to them, then? I guess they don’t want anyone talking to them at all! Hahahahaha! Brilliant! What will Harriet think of next!? Even the description of this t-shirt is filled with slapstic sass, or “slass.” The slassy description says such funny things as, “Alert blabbermouth’s you’re in no mood for “cawfee tawk.” Get it? Just like that skit on Saturday Night Live when Mike Myers used to play Linda Richman on “Coffee Talk.” What are the odds?!?! It also says it’ll stop “chitterchatters” and “motormouths.” Chitterchatters? Blabbermouths? Motormouths? Now did Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch write this description….or someone else? Please, give Oliver the credit he deserves! Thanks, Harriet, for helping us to “keep the peace” especially in XL sizes with, clearly, XL sized jokes!
Product # 5 – Looking for new and innovative ways to compliment your man, but are running out of ideas? Have you ever, even for one moment, thought about saying some kind words directly to his testicles? Well now’s your chance thanks to these classy boxer shorts! While the back of these shorts say “nice cheeks” you know the front says something about “nuts” or even “balls” perhaps. One may not know until these fancy-pants arrive to your door step. However, make no doubt about it the description is my favorite part. It actually says, “Love Those Cheeky Boxers” and then the next immediate line out of nowhere is, “How does he fit those nuts in there?” Award winning! But let’s not forget about the ladies out there. For example perhaps Harriet can add a thong to her “collection” that says something really witty and catchy like, uh, oh I don’t know, “My Beaver May Be Covered, But You Can Still See My Ass.” Wait, does it need to rhyme? Drat. Or maybe a bra that says something like, “Boobs or Box. You Get to Choose Only One.” Yeah, I like that one. Oh, P.S I’m also a disgusting pervert who has the mind of a 12-year old. Thanks Harriet for remembering my nuts during the upcoming holiday season!
Product # 6 – Give it the gas. Seriously. If I ever saw some little bitch, in the middle of the night, who was missing one shoe, on a little boys bike, giving me a “talk to the hand” whilst I was trying to leave my own driveway I would just gun it and run the skank down. I’d then tie her to the roof like a deer and mount her on my living room wall with a sign underneath her that said, “Should’ve Been Studying.” But that’s just me. You may react differently to a little girl on a bike. Anyhuffy, what’s this girl doing riding her bike in the middle of the night anyway? And where are her parents? Probably in a meth lab, I’d assume. And where is her other shoe? I have many questions. Not for nothing, but stay the hell out of my driveway. No really, get off my private property before I call the police. Perhaps she didn’t see my “Beware of Dog” sign I have plastered all over the place. She’s so rude. We’re in a fight. Oh, andwhere’s her helmet? I mean if I’m going to hit her with my truck I don’t want to give her “the brain damage” I just want to scare her, you know, and teach her a lesson about private property.
Product # 7 – “Honey, did you wash my Modesty Panel? Yeah, Modesty Panel. Did you wash it, because I can’t seem to find it. My Modesty Panel? No? You didn’t? Never mind, I found it. It was in the drawer next to my faux-dickie.” Seriously, a “Modesty Panel?” Is there a name any less sexy than “Modesty Panel?” It looks like some little 2nd grader cut a coffee filter into a heart shape and then used chalk to draw flowers on it for an “arts andcrafts” Valentine’s Day project. Who’s wearing something like this? I want names! Whatever happened to the days when women would allow their rack to peek out the top of their low cut sweaters? Those were the good old days. Simpler times. Happier times before the recession. Let me give you a little advice. If you’re trying to camouflage your rack, you should just stay home and knit. Knit and knit and knit….you know…for your cats? Knit them little cat sweaters and little cat hats and then take pictures of them and add them to your myspace page with funny little captions like, “Meowy Meowerson’s First Day of School” and “A Life Without Cats…I Don’t Think So!” Look, the economy is in the crapper and your rack is all we have left, so throw out this Modesty Panel and release the beast within.
Product # 8 – WAKE UP, STUPID! If you like to take 10 minute cat naps whilst driving around town does Harriet have the alert system for you! Apparently if your head moves too far forward or too far back an alarm goes off directly in your ear. So the good news is that you’re awake. That bad news? You’re deaf in one ear. Seriously, if you even think that you may possibly need this product please, please, please, please, please don’t get behind the wheel. In fact, please don’t even leave your house. Actually, don’t walk either. Just take it easy in a nice recliner and wait patiently for Jesus to call you into the pearly gates of Heaven. If I ever strapped this thing to my ear I would be so freaked out that my head may accidentally go 2 inches forward that I wouldn’t be able to even focus on changing the radio station, texting my friends, or drinking my iced coffee. Imagine just looking forward the whole time and just driving? Boring. Either way, thanks Harriet for keeping me awake, deaf, and focused. What? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
Product # 9 – Hey there ladies! Has the economy got you down? Can’t afford to get your hair colored by the professionals? Well that doesn’t mean you have to let yourself go. Hell no. If you’re willing to look like Farrah Fawcett during the drug years and have your hair stink like Anna Nicole’s rotting corpse well then does Harriet havethe product for you! Thanks to the apparent magic of Jerome Russell you can now….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it…..spray in “natural” blond highlights into your 80’s perm. Ole! Who knew this crap wasn’t just sold in the Halloween aisle next to those plastic masks and hillbilly teeth during the month of October? No really, who knew this? I want names. Anyfrost, please ladies make sure that when you’re spraying down your mop you’re making sure not to forget those other places too. AndI’m not just talking about your eyebrows. No, no. Make sure you’re giving a quick spritz in your nether-regions. Get creative. Make a design, spray in your initials like you’re pissing your name into a new snowfall. This may just save your sham of a marriage. Oh, and rumor has it this spray can be used as a self tanner for magical places like your taint and elbows. Try it out, but be sure to have your emergency contacts on standby in case you burn right through the skin. Seriously, I have no idea where I was going with this. That is all. Thanks Harriet for making poor chicks 80’s hot!
Product # 10 – Hey there you sexy cockeyed twins! Are you sexy? Are you young? Are you cockeyed? Any chance you’re a twin? Any chance you happen to be a young, sexy, cockeyed twin? Well if so, does Harriet have the sexless dress for you! These “bright and breezy” sundresses will be all the rage for Spring 2010. If by “bright and breezy” they mean “musty and shapeless” than this is exactly what you need to really become fashion-forward. However, if you’re not a fashionista, let me help you decode the dress description. By “carefree sundress” they really mean “the 8 year olds in the Chinese sweatshop don’t know how to sew” and by “plenty of room” they are, of course, letting you know that it’s big enough to cover your fat ass andsaddlebags. “2 Slash Pockets” is referring to the holes that that moths creates on each side of the “dress.” To be honest I’m not sure what “flounced hem” means, but I’ll either assume it means that they F’d it up or they’re trying to use fancy words that they know cockeyed twins wouldn’t know. So, ladies, if you’re ready to just pack it in, give up, and start hoarding cats then this is the dress that will help you accomplish all of those goals. Fashion Tip: Grow your leg hair out and wear this dress all winter long!
BONUS PRODUCT: Failure Model Chick 2009– Careful fella’s, she’s married! Failure Model Chick is back and with a vengeance! This time around she’s “modeling” a hammock-like beach chair that is easily portable in a bag-like contraption. To dumb it down, this is basically FMC’s “Casting Couch on the Run!” When you’re just about to be cast for your next “Girls of New Jersey” swimsuit calendar, but haven’t quite sealed the deal, now you can just flip open this contraption and have at it! FMC even demonstrates how comfortable it is to lay down on. From the looks of it she’s lost all function in her neck, most likely from the “casting bobbing” that she was performing on the director and by “casting bobbing” I am, of course, talking about a little $2 dollar sucky-sucky. Anycrap, FMC looks like a nana come to life with her one-piece and Kelly Kowpowski sunglasses. And her bear-sized mitts may be trying to hide the soda label that she’s drinking, but we all know it’s Sprite. Yeah, I said it. Sprite. Yes, that Failure Model Chick sure is enjoying the concrete beach. I hope she doesn’t get a sunburn from the florescent lights that are beaming down on her chalky white model body. I may tee-off on FMC, but it’s only because I love her. I do love her. I am jealous that she is more successful than me. Please hold your hate mail. Eh, send it anyway, it usually cracks me up…and not just because I’m on crack. Ole, FMC! Ole!
Well. What a year 2009 has been in the world of Harriet Carter products. Thanks for being here this year, laughing, commenting, sending me hate mail and nastygrams. It’s been quite the ride.