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Live From New York, It’s Harriet Carter!

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Live from New York, it’s Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday (a day late)! Get it? Get my horrible joke? Yup, I’m in NYC baby! (yes that works when you say it even without “Vegas” in front of the “baby”) I am now officially a resident of NYC and what better way to kick things off then with a Harriet Carter post? This week Harriet covers your feet and your lawn in more ways than one. It’s kind of like a “related products” theme this week. Think of it like a “Hi-Lights” magazine for adults. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Hey there you gross disgusting little piglet! Are you filthy? Is there sludge running through your veins and elsewhere in your body? Are you trying to get off the crystal meth that “all the kids” are wild about these days, but can’t afford a legit detox program? Well, if you can spare $39.98 you can go through detox in the comfort of your own home thanks to skanky Harriet Carter! I guess all you need to do is place one of these pads on your foot before you go to bed and then when you wake up it is filled with black toxins. Yummy. Let’s hope you are painfully single and sleep alone because no one who shares a bed with you should be forced to look at that in the morning! Hell, who am I kidding if you’re buying this detox system of course you live alone! I bet if Harriet places that pad over her heart before she goes to bed it will also turn black by the morning. Oh, only because Harriet is dead inside. That’s all.

Product # 2 – Are you too lazy to dust, but proactive enough to walk? Well now you can polish all the floors in your house with these trusty dusting slippers. This actually isn’t a joke, that actually is what they are. All you need to do is slip them on and walk your fat ass around your house and presto! Your house is clean! I think these slipper-dusters (or “slusters” as I like to call them) make the perfect gift for your wife or mother. Imagine the look on their face when they unwrap this gift and first think it’s a comfortable pair of well deserved slippers, but then realize it’s a more efficient way to clean the entire house. Don’t worry, they’ll be thanking you once they finally discover how fun it really is to clean. I mean I think it would be a little more efficient and effective if those same dusters were on the covering the wheels of a wheelchair, but that’s just me.

Product # 3 – Are you the king of your lawn? Do you need the whole neighborhood to know it? Well you, too, are in luck because the next time you are mowing your lawn you can also wear this wicked cool t-shirt that let’s everyone know that you own that lawn. The t-shirt actually says, “Lawn Enforcement Officer – Weed Patrol Division.” What a clever play on words! Yeah, not really. I don’t even think orphans in Africa would wear that. I mean, I don’t think they even know what a lawn is, but that’s a whole different story and way off topic. Who wears these type of t-shirts? No really. I want to know. Please provide me your name and address so I can stop by your house/trailer. I have a few questions for you.
Product # 4 – We couldn’t complete a week of Harriet Carter product recaps without something that is officially white-trash. Well, I think these lawn sheep will do it. Yes, lawn sheep. Actually they may be lawn lambs. I don’t discriminate. Anyway, I guess this is supposed to trick the neighbors into thinking that sheep are actually grazing on your lawn. Why that is tricky Harriet! Why are half of the Harriet Carter products supposed to trick people or make people laugh? Why can’t you just have a lawn. Just a lawn. That’s it. No funny things happening to your lawn. No animals in your lawn. No fake mushrooms growing out of your lawn. No clay dog statues sitting on your lawn. Just a lawn. That’s it. Also, why is the black sheep all by itself. Is Harriet racist? I believe she is. I believe she’s the one who set up this display. Yeah, nice subliminal messaging Harriet. As a side note, that lawn in the picture couldn’t look any more fake. And why is the sky right there. Are these sheep flying? They could have at least put a fence there or something, but just the sky? Dumb. Thanks Harriet Carter you racist lamb-loving whore!
Ok folks, well that concludes another Harriet Carter segment live from NYC. I hope people in NYC think this crap is funny.