Jersey Shore Recap: Can This “Sea-Biscuit” Die at the End Too?

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That’s right!  It’s a bonus episode of Jersey Shore.  What a great way to celebrate MLK day!  I’m on about a combo of 3 hours sleep in the past 3 days, but here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:

  • What 15 episodes have I missed where all of a sudden Sammi SweatStains feels like she owes Snooki and ShamWow and apology for not believing them that her boyfriend, who may or not be the stand-in of Joe Guidice from Real Housewives of Foreclosure, was cheating on her last “season.”  What made her change her mind?  Was it the camera footage and, ah yes, the television series based around Yawnie’s shenanigans?
  • Girl you know it’s true!  Milli VaSnooki is back in action again and this time they’re (Snooki and VaDeena) both decked out in the same Ed Hardy outfits and matching trucker hats, one in all blue and the other in yellow.  I’m trying to figure out if they’re trying to be the Fly Girls from In Living Color or if they’re channeling the Olsen Twins when they were trying to get “edgy’ and wear “street gear” while filming a “music video” for their rendition of “I’m the Cute One.”  I mean, it’s a real toss up at this point.
  • Snooki is upwards of 6-tans to the wind and is eating a whole cooked potato like it’s an apple.  She sees nothing wrong with this and claims this is how she’d survive if she was stuck in the corn field.  JWoww is actually trying to reason with her at a time like this letting her know she would eat corn in the corn field, however, I’m thinking she is forgetting that she’s talking to Snooki in which she’d probably use some corn as her temporary “Elmo” and just start shuckin’ like nobodies business.
  • Moments later Snooki is (burp) all horned up.  We know this because she’s smoking a cigarette, wearing a cowboy hat, and telling Vinny that she wants to touch and see his “Sea Biscuit.”  She is one classy dame.  Vinny doesn’t want to show it to her or let her touch it, smell it, draw on it, wink at it, or comb its hair like My Little Pony.  Like the last hooker on the corner at 5am she’s ready to move on and try something new so she convinces Grandpa Situation and VaDeena to have a three-some.  Technically it should be a four-some because she forgot to include the 2-liter of Hawaiian Punch that she’s been chugging out of the bottle for the past few minutes.
  • VaDeena really likes Grandpa Sitch because of not only his body and face, but because of his personality and the way he carries himself.  Honestly, I think that’s so rude.  The fact that she won’t even comment on his wide variety of pubic lice just goes to show me that she barely knows him at all.
  • Once the 3 of them go into the bedroom, Snooki decides to peace out at the last minutes so that VaDeena can have some 1 on 1 time with Sitch.  Honestly, the two of them under the sheets must smell like a Bingo Hall.  I’m sure she queefs “B-5” in the heat of the moment and someone shouts out “Bingo!”
  • After VaDeena pretends she’s the Riddler whilst in bed with Sitch they finally kiss and swap smells of Misty 120’s and Big Red.  Grandpa Sitch claims he wasn’t into it at all and so he performs a “Ditch-n-Kitchen” in which he leaves the room and goes into the kitchen to make himself something to eat.  I’ll assume something with spinach as he is the real life Popeye.
  • The “next day” Snooki and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta decide to do a little GTL and Snooki is doing this all without underwear.  So basically it’s just a normal day.  It would be wondrous to see Snooki doing the stepper at the gym with her “gentlemen greeter” peaking out the side of her shorts and, well, because Santa Christ and Jesus Claus are both on my side this week we get pretty close to seeing that.  After the G and the L it’s time to do a little T.  Snooki ends up burning her ass and complains as soon as she gets home that her ass burns and is itchy.  Funny enough I’m pretty sure that 5 out of 6 roommates are all complaining about that right now but for different reasons.  In order to remedy this situation (not the situation) Snooki places her bare ass on the first step of the refrigerator and ends up hanging out there eating a bag of Cheez-Its.  She is still a lady, after all, and also lets us know that she has to poop.  Although, the pickle jar on the second shelf leads me to believe that she may have already conquered that goal.
  • Meanwhile Yawnie and Yawnie are fighting on the roof again (it’s nice they’re at least out of bed at this point) and Yawnie keeps asking what he’s done and the other Yawnie keeps screaming “you tell me.”  Why the hell are they trying to piece this puzzle together as not only was “what he did” shown on television just a few months ago, but also online (in visual and written form), on DVD box set, and I’m pretty sure it’s written across a wife-beater that’s sold on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights.  Alas, they continue bickering like Sam and Diane of yesteryear and end up…wait for it…wait for it….wax the.  In the words of every judge that’s ever been on America’s Next Top Model in every single season that has ever aired Sammi “needs to look softer” to the camera.
  • Speaking of that t-shirt shop that they work at…honestly it looks like my own personal hell.  First off you’re surround by the worst sayings that have ever been imagined and all the clothes look like they smell like Sears’ Bed-in-a-Bag collection.
  • However, the t-shirt store may be one of those holy locations where the Virgin Mary appeared to some children because a miracle is taking place right now.  Sammi SweatStains ends up saying “sorry” to Snooki and admitting that she was 100% wrong for not believing her with “the note.”    They end up hugging it out and what’s even more shocking is the fact that whilst hugging they don’t rub any bronzer off on each others t-shirts.  I mean, if we’re being completely honest here in the circle of truth, I’m even more surprised that their faces didn’t stick together.
  • As the miracles just keep on coming Sammi SweatStains heads back to Pedophile Manor after selling t-shirts for $6.75 an hour and ends up pulling VaDeena to the side and apologizing for being one-dimensional and completely pointless as a character on Jersey Shore since season 2.  Oh wait, that part didn’t happen.  That’s an apology I’m still waiting for from Sammi.  Anydisgust, Sammi does apologize to VaDeena for her behavior and they both decide to “squash their beef” which is ironic because I’m pretty sure JWoww squashes her beef whilst at the gym, but for much different reasons that shan’t be stated on this here blog.
  • Later at night when the crabs come out of hiding to bask in the moonlight, the entire gang gets ready to head out to “da club” which consists of everyone complimenting JWoww on how wonderful her rack looks in her pit-stained-wife-beater and then everyone holds down their hair-spray button for about 27.8 seconds to celebrate being complete douchey-dingle-dangles.  Sidenote, Grandpa Sitch is adding extra spritz to that one little patch of hair on the front of his head in hopes it won’t blow around in the wind.  Plus it makes for a great sunglasses holder when he’s tired or peeking through the tops of them when he’s crookedly balancing them on the end of his nose.
  • Within about 6 minutes VaDeena is sloppy drunk and dancing on a box on stage, ironically, whilst her box is hanging out of her dress.  As she’s trying to hold it together (her drunkenness, not her legs) she begins to fall off the “stage” but is caught by a random standing under her.  Since VaDeena is a pro, she keeps trying to dance while being held up by said random and all while her ass is now hanging out of the back of her dress as well.
  • For some crazy reason, “da bouncers” at “da club” frown upon this drunken display and instruct her to leave.  Here’s why I like VaDeena.  When she’s told to leave she tells the bouncers that she’s just going to leave by herself and she’s fine.  She doesn’t try to take her roommates with her and ruin their time and she doesn’t start a drunken brawl with the bouncers.  This, my friends, is what I call being “a good egg.”
  • Meanwhile Snooki is 3-snooks to the wind and is dancing alone and falling alone.   Once she falls on the ground she just says, “I can’t” and stays there dancing on her knees which…I mean, come on.
  • Love is in the air for JWoww has she meets up with a past fling, Roger, and feels an instant connection.  Well that lasts for about 1/4th of the song they’re dancing to as some random girl lets ShamWow know that Roger has a girlfriend named Heather who, shocker, works at a tanning salon.  Honestly, at this point the fact that she (or anyone we’ll come in to contact with at “da shore”) works at a tanning salon should go without saying.  Oh, and here’s why I’m old.  When this random girl calls out Roger for lying about not having a girlfriend she says to him “you’re just mad because I’m blowing up your spot right now.”  I mean, I think I know what that means but who seriously says that?  More importantly, are people still doing skunk steaks in their hair?  I have many questions and little answers.
  • Next up Snooki and JWoww sneak off (with camera crew) to a roped off area of “da club” so they can dance sexy by themselves.  All that dancing really make JWoww have to pee and she’s not going to walk down the stairs and wait in line for the bathroom like an animal so she just stats peeing behind an empty bar that no one is at.  And, because she’s a lady, she uses the soda sprayer to wash away her urine from. the. floor.  At first I thought she was going to use that water sprayer as a way to wash her hands, but, nope that just isn’t in the cards for ShamWow.
  • Like a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, enter Danielle – Pauly D’s crazy Israeli stalker.   What a treat.  Danielle the Israeli Stalker ends up tapping Pauly D on the shoulder, throwing a drink in his face, heads out to the street to give everyone the finger, and then charges the camera like she’s starring in her very own episode of COPS.  I miss her Dionne Warwick glasses from the first season.  Oh well.  You lose some, you lose some.
  • The “next morning” or “the same night” (I’m losing track) after cooking a pile of frozen turkey burgers and banging random chicks, it’s time for Snooki and crew to head out to work.  Snooki, who is still drunk at this point, is sporting a blanket as she walks to work in slippers in the 100 degree heat.  The only thing that can make her feel better is stealing some beers from the t-shirt shop, locking herself in the back room, and drinking them.  The owner is all pissed off that Snooki is drinking in the store but it’s like, dude, stop stocking beers at your place of work then!  Snooki is trying to justify drinking at work by stating that “this isn’t law school, it’s work.”  Um, sure?  I have no idea.
  • Minutes later Snooki sneaks out of work for “coffee” but ends up doing shots instead because, you know,  that makes sense.  She ends up running into JWoww and VaDeena and next thing you know she’s falling off of a parked bike (with vag to the wind) and then running away to try and find the beach (spoiler alert:  it’s those 7 miles directly next to you).
  • While on “da beach” Snooki is a mess falling all over the place and trying to go into the water with her purse.  Apparently this causes a scene and after JWoww and VaDeena beg and plead for her to come home the police show up and escort Snooki off the beach.  Things wouldn’t have been that bad, but then Snooki starts yelling and swearing at the cops and, therefore, they just slap the cuffs on her and taking her on a free ride to jail.  Ole!
  • Here’s the thing, I remember seeing this scene on TMZ months ago and when Snooki falls on the beach and the cops pick her up you hear the crowd of people who are watching this scream “Ohhhhhh!” and then chant “Snooki” the whole time.  Why was all this muted out from this crapisode?  I mean, it really added to this scene.  This is like a sporting event for these people.  At one point I think I remember seeing someone holding up a giant foam finger while the rest of the crowd did the wave and someone played on the organ “da da da da da daaaaa” and then the crowd chanted “Charge!”
  • After Snooki gets arrested, JWoww and VaDeena head home and immediately call Snooki’s dad because, you know, that seemed like a good idea.  That can’t be a call that anyone wants to receive.  I’m sure if they Skype’d him in we could all see him beaming with pride.

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