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Jersey Shore Recap: Get Hesstatic! VaDeena Is.

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El Pollo Has Come Home to Roost – All hail Sammi SweatStains is back at Pedophile Manor! Thank Christ because after a long and emotional 2 days of Sammi working on herself and “doing her” she is fully cured from “the crazy” and is back in action with a brand new pair of glasses. Honestly, I would like her 3,000 times better if she walked in the door wearing her glasses that Ronnie smashed and was like “Hey. Why do I see 15 of you…psych!” Ugh, Sammi really could be so much more likable. Anyway, Ronnie looks speechless that Sammi just showed up. Eh, it’s either speechless or being physically drained from a horrific cocktail of Xenadrine and dripping bloody anus…or “a case of the Monday’s” as I’m sure Ronnie likes to call it. It’s then that Sammi really hits Yawnie below the belt and I’m not talking in his roided out Qbert dangler. I’m talking even lower than that. She tells him…wait for it…wait for it….she tells him that he looks pale. No joke. Now keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, he’s actual the color Burnt Sienna right now so Sammi is just trying to add salt into the wound (the wound of course being, say it with me, his bleeding anus).

Suddenly things quickly turn into a middle-school dance and the girls go outside and then boys stick together in the other room. I was actually laughing when the guys were making fun of Sam and pretending they were her grilling everyone if Ronnie talked to any girls when she was away. You know Grandpa Snitch was being “real” during the imitations as he was not talking in a “street” southern dialect.

Reasons Why VaDeena Needs to Practice Flashcards – During her one on one interview, VaDeena lets us all know how happy she is that Sammi is back. In fact, she actually says that she is “hesstatic.” At first I thought she was trying to make up a new word (like GTL, DTF, etc) but then I realized she really thought you pronounced the word “ecstatic” as “hesstatic” of course meaning: One who gets a static shock whilst pumping gas at a Hess station. Seriously, she’s bricks.

Later while waiting to head out for the night she asks everyone if she looks “embarrassing.” Really? Is she really asking that? Keep in mind that she’s about 4 feet tall, 185 pounds, the color of Ernie, has crunchy wet curls down to her ass, and is sitting there with band-aids on her knee. She’s more than embarrassing. She’s humiliating. And, if she wasn’t she would have never been cast on this here show.

Everyone is Pathetic at “Da Club – Forget the club can’t even handle me right now. I can’t handle the club right now. Everyone there is pathetic and I’m strictly talking about the cast. Maybe it’s because they’re trying to communicate in a sea of banana clips, but Yawnie is chasing Sammi around, who’s dressed like a Fly Girl. Meanwhile, Snooki is frizzed the F out, stammering, slurring, and whining over the fact the she has feelings for Vinny and she’s afraid he’s going to bring a girl home. Speaking of Vinny, he really found his match when he meets a girl from the Dominican. He says he likes Dominican girls because they’re tan. Yeah, Dominican girls are tan like Harriet Tubman wore bronzer. I have no idea what any of that means, but if it’s one thing I love it’s Harriet Tubman. No joke, ever since I was 7 years old any time I had to write a book report I would always always always choose to write something on Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad. So fascinating. Wait, where was I? Ah yes, Vinny’s girl claims she wants to have ten babies with him right now and she isn’t joking. Although, from the looks of her I will assume she already has 9 babies and just wants to make 1 with Vinny so she can have an even 10. It’s a tough call. P.S, VaDeena needs to stop yelling “single ladies” in every episode because it doesn’t make her look hot, it makes her look desperate. It’s like, of course you’re a single lady the same way as I am a loser blogger. I don’t need to wear a t-shirt that says it, it’s just implied.

JWoww Drunkenly Peeing in the Street and Onto VaDeena’s Foot is Actually How They Baptize People in New Jersey – no additional recap or commenting needed.

Stop the Press, Yawnie II Has Come to Life – I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but Sammi actually made me laugh…and I did it out loud. When Snooki was crying over Vinny’s bum eye having sex with the tanned Dominican chick, Sammi just says to her “Ugh, please she looks like a rodent.” Take a bow Sammi because after three seasons you’ve finally earned your spot as a cast-member. I guess “doing you” really paid off. P.S Your moms carpets are bright pink. Please use some of your JS money to provide new rugs for her. Thank you. Signed, a Concerned Citizen of the World.

Ronnie is Rough – Roid rage? Maybe. Did anyone else notice how when Ronnie tried to get Snooki and Sammi out of Vinny’s room he pushed them into the wall? Hit me again, Ike!

If Rhea Perlman Can Drive, So Can VaDeena – The whole gang is off to go bowling, as if their fingers haven’t been in enough dirty holes already in the past 24 hours. Seriously, I should just stop there because I can’t top that. Anyway, VaDeena decides to drive half of them and is literally all over the road. They’re all freaking out that she’s driving because they’re all afraid they’re going to die. Why are they so shocked? I mean, if you’re not going to give her a phone book to sit on then this is the outcome you deserve…to be splattered across the highway. Press-on nails, pieces of weave, smeared bronzer and glitter all over the road.

Snooki is So Sad and I Know Why – Snooki thinks she’s all depressed because of her behavior the night before in regards to crying over Vinny. Everyone is sitting around trying to figure out why she’s so sad. They think it’s because she really wants a boyfriend. If I was on the show I would be in the corner yelling through a megaphone, “She has been drinking for the past 2 weeks 18 out of 24 hours per day. She has alcohol withdrawals!” Whilst most of us call this a “typical Sunday” Snooki must play this game even on a Tuesday afternoon. The pressure of being a “star.”

The Toilet Again? Really?? – Enough with this toilet drama. Unless they’re going to put some extensions on it and spray-tan it orange, I’m not interested in knowing any more about that damn toilet. All the guys are blocking their noses and screeching over how bad the toilet smells, when you totally know it can’t be much worse than the rotten vaginastein’d skanks that they bring home on the regular from “da club.” Plus, I envision it to smell like Snooki’s poof. Oh, and long story short the reason why the toilet has been clogged this whole time is because Vinny apparently flushed a t-shirt down the toilet. Even was a size small. Awww, Vinny is a petite. That’s precious.

Oh Cheesus – See what I did there? Since Snooki, Yawnie, and Yawnie are tired of being functioning, yet physically abusive and emotionally unstable alcoholics they decide to not drink for the night. So instead “Team Sober” decides to prank Grandpa Snitch back by placing a wide variety of cheeses under his mattress. To my surprise, Grandpa can barely hook up with his chick (who looks like she took a pan to the face) because he thinks she smelled like grated cheese. After she was done bobbing for apples down his pants, he sent her home and sprayed his bed with Axe…because God forbid you washed your sheets. I mean, at this point I’m more surprised that the crabs living in his bed didn’t just get up, tear off the sheets, and bring them to the laundromat themselves.

Sexual Education with Professor JWoww ShamWow – Since Grandpa Sitch has the combined education and sexual knowledge of a 12 year old, he tries to convince JWoww that you can’t get an STD from only getting “oral pleasure.” See how I classed that up? Since JWoww knows a thing or two about using her mouth as a service machine, she decides to call up the free clinic and ask the doctor on staff about STDs and “head-a-givin’.” The More You Know (cue: shooting star). JWoww thinks it’s only a matter of time before his dingally-doo falls right off. I’m sure if it falls off his mom will end up chocking on it. Hey-oh!

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