Jersey Shore Recap: Grease Slaps and Neck Braces

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Welcome survivors of Hurricane Irene, that filthy pig-whore!  To recap what happened in Thursday’s crapisode, VaDeena was a dirty Choochasaurus Rex and then, in the last 42 seconds, a fight took place between Ronnie, Sammi, and Grandpa Sitch.  Ronnie decides to continue with his side passion for interior decorating and bedroom furniture rearrangement and moves Grandpa Situation’s bed out of his room and into the middle of the castle.  This leaves more room for the bed-frame to be tossed around like doll house furniture, which really makes the colors in the room pop.  I have no idea what that means, but I’m sticking with it.

Apparently, Ronnie and Sammi are broken up again as they are drunk and slurring and accuse Sitch of talking sh*t about Ronnie bringing home 5 girls from “da club.”  Ronnie is (allegedly) suffering from the side effects of Xendrine and is ready to “put Mike on blast” as “the kids” say and wakes him up from a quiet slumber by lifting up the couch he’s on and slamming it onto the ground, typically in the same fashion as he would Sammi’s body after a normal evening game of “Ike and AnnaMae Don’t Take Five: Italian Edition!”  Grandpa Sitch tries to convince Ron that he doesn’t get involved in their relationship but a little thing called “a camera” and “a television show” beg to differ.  Suddenly Sitch snaps and starts spewing, screaming, and slapping at the wall ready to fight Ronnie.  While he’s screaming “Let’s Do It!” which I assume means that Nike is now paying Sitch a huge endorsement deal, Ronnie charges after him like a bull in heat.  The future Joe Guidice knocks Sitch onto the bed (or what’s left of it) all whilst Sammi keeps screaming, “Stap! Staaaahp!   Staaahhhp!”  I was hoping that someone would have explained to her that the correct pronunciation was “Stop!” but alas no dice.  Sammi starts crying while everyone else just looks on.  Actually VaDeena is crying too (just like typical girls) and this really got me to thinking, VaDeena totally looks like Paula Abdul’s bastard sister.  I have to admit, and other reality shows of New Jersey take note, this is how you keep “The America’s” attention and that is, of course, by throwing punches…or at least greasy slaps while a camera is in your face.

However, MTV pulled a robbery on us because they showed us the re-edited version where before any grease slaps were thrown, Grandpa Sitch bashed his head against the wall and fell to the ground.  This is what happens when you’re in you’re late 40’s, still tanning, and banging every pig in town.  It might technically be a sign of Italian rabies.  After Sitch gets himself up off the ground he and Ron go at it again and all the punches that were throw appear to have missed each others bodies and they’re just kind of slow dancing and doing that lift that Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey did in Dirty Dancing in the lake.  It was quite beautiful.  Seriously it was and I am the worst.  After the “dance off” was broken up by random bodyguards that must live with them, Ronnie just keeps screaming at Sammi to shut the F up, but being the best AnnaMae she can be she keeps yelling back in his face until the rest of the house is in tears begging her to get the hell out of the room.  Apparently I was the only one yelling “Stay! Stay! Stay!” the whole time.  By the end of the segment Grandpa Sitch was being taken away via Italian Ambulance which is basically just an ice cream truck with flashing lights and a Double Dare buzzer.  I hope they scrub the tan off him before they give him an MRI.

In typical drunken douche-bag behavior “the next morning” Ronnie realizes what a d*ck he is and feels bad for causing a complete sh*t storm in the house, screaming at everyone, and pretty much making Sitch bash his own head in and ending up at the hospital.  I may not be a psychologist or “smart” but I’m pretty sure this is what people call “abusive behavior.”  And, since Ron outed himself to Sam for calling that random girl, Sammi decides, per usual, she doesn’t want anything with Ronnie ever again…until the next night, I’m sure.   How many more episodes before the murder-suicide takes place?  Death by grease fire?  Hey-oh!  Either way, Ronnie packs up his crap because he’s ready for the next step of the b*tch fit and packs up all his pills and jewelry and wants to go home.  He tells Vinny he just wants to go home for a few days…but I’m not overly sure he realizes he’s in Italy right now and not the Jersey Shore.  However, Vinny convinces Ronnie to stay.  Well, I’m sure the paycheck also played a role in his decision.  Later, Sitch comes back to the house and Ron was nice enough to reverse Humpty Dumpty his bed so that he could lay his head in a peaceful place.  Luckily, Sitch only has a sprain and so the hospital gave him what I assume is a neck brace, but a better guess would be a thick maxi pad for “heavy flow” days.  It looks dirty and kinda looks like it came from in between VaDeena’s ricotta legs.

Later Grandpa Sitch turns into a sad elderly clown and is left with his red Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and his neck brace slouching on the couch and shedding some tears because no one has stuck around the castle to see if he’s ok.  Poor Sitch.  The tears are going to make the bronzer run and, well, that’s not a good look.  You know what else isn’t a good look?  Ronnie throwing away Sammi’s clothes, purse, and earrings in the trash after she gave them all back to him.  Two seconds ago he was saying he’s trying to be a changed person and now he’s back to being the house trash man.  Honestly, I know this is only a television show but I really hope they watch this back and realize what horrific terrible low life rust dumpsters they are.  These two are “famous” and the Olsen Sluts can barely get work these days.  What a world.

The tears turn to laughter when Sitch and Ronnie laugh off their fight and the wall beating the neck off of Mike.  That’s good.  I mean, I actually couldn’t care less but I guess it’s better when people get along instead of fighting.  I don’t really believe that, but I’m on a hurricane safety high.  In the end the girls and the guys have a separate night out at different “da clubs” and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta ends up dancing with the Italian version of Hatchet Face  all whilst some dude tries to put Pauly D “on blast.”  Apparently the PeeWee’s Playhouse Word of the Day is “Let’s do it!” because now Pauly D is yelling that in the random dudes face.  No, legit in his face.  He’s basically kissing his ear.  To try to “butch things up” someone starts yelling, “You’re on the streets of Florence!”  Scary.  Yeah, I hope no one comes out of the Prada or Versace store trying to give you a roughed-up “streets of Florence” makeover!  But, alas, the fight is broken up and no one even bashed their own head into the wall…so that sucked.  I think contractually on this show if you don’t fight someone else you should have to slam your head into the wall because that’s what I have to do every time I watch this show and have to recap it.  I’ll be getting my neck brace now.  I hope it doesn’t have VaDeena’s “ladies days” all over it.  Oh, and Ronnie brought home Sammi flowers and….they fought.  Over it.  I’m gonna go and “do me” right now.  Wait a second…

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