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Jersey Shore Recap: I.F.F, J420, and T-Shirt Time. We Have A Lot to Learn.

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Thursday night television hasn’t been this good since NBC’s “Must See TV.”  Real Housewives and Jersey Shore are like the “Friends” and “Seinfeld” of our generation.  Although unless they change the name to “Bethenny Getting Jersey Shore’d” I’m staying true to my alliance with Jersey Shore.  Here’s what went down on last nights crapisode:

  • Ronnie and his coke eyes leave “da club” and head back to Casa de Golden Girls to brag to the guys that he’s about to get into bed with Sammi SweatStains.  So we’re all on the same page, we think Ronnie was either on coke or ecstasy, yes?  Because when I’m that drunk my eyes are usually tiny little slits (not to be confused with “sluts”) by the end of the night and I can barely see.  Ronnie, on the other hand, is all wide-eyed and bushy-permed.  Someone call Candy Finnigan and Jeff because all I see is a bunch of people here who love you like crazy and want you to join the good fight.
  • Why is Ronnie’s t-shirt so long?  It’s like a dress.  It’s like if he put a big belt over it he’d be Punky Brewster circa 1988.  Oh Henry.  Oh Punky.
  • Ronnie ends up falling into Sammi’s twin sized bed that appears to be in the closet and falls asleep dreaming of sweet things like IROCs, Drakkar Noir, and future construction jobs.
  • The next morning Ronnie has no clue what happened the night before so he stumbles throughout the house until he finds Pauly D/Ellen Travolta chit-chattin’ on the phone and giggling like a school girl.  Sidenote, I miss the duck phone.  It’s so rude they didn’t bring it.  Anyquack, just when America (and southern parts of Canada) were starting to understand what GTL meant we now have to learn a new acronym.  This time around, from Pauly D, we learn that Ronnie is part of the I.F.F.  What does I.F. F mean you ask?  Great question.  Keep ’em coming.  I.F.F stands for the “I’m F*cked Foundation.”  Pauly D lets us know that Ronnie is not only the president, but he’s also a client.  Oh Pauly D, talk like that makes me not regret thinking that you do intercourse with your mom.
  • Later the “ladies” head to to do a little shopping at “Funky” which is basically a sex shop that also sells clothes.  This pleases JWoww ShamWow more than anything because she finally feels like she’s in her element.  Sammi, on the other hand, likes the store because she feels that this is where “trannies” shop, which now makes complete sense to me why ShamWow is so (fist) pumped right now.  I always knew JWoww had a ding-a-ling.  That’s a tranny, right?  Like, a tranny has a dinky-doo and a set of boobie-doo’s right?  Or is it when they snip of their dingle-dangle?  It’s hard to decipher and also I’m out of nicknames for your privates.  Oh wait.  Dig-Dogger.  Ok, I’m done.
  • JWoww squeals with delight when she tries on this shirt which is basically a little piece of material with the entire front cut out.  Her boobs are stuffed in there so tight and are so pressed against the front of the shirt that it looks like two puppies trying to break free from a plastic bag.
  • Snooki (God bless that spawn of Danny Devito and Lil Kim) on the other hand has just purchased a pair of “crystaled out” sunglasses for almost $400.  Because when Snooki is at the register with her bedazzled shirt and jeweled Ed Hardy trucker hat I was totally thinking, “You know what, Snooki needs a little more bedazzling.”  Honestly, she can’t even see out of the sunglasses but buys them anyway because (1) she’s getting paid a sh*t ton and (2) when there are people who can’t afford food at least they can take comfort in the fact that Snooki looks like a tanned midget Lady Gaga impostor.  I know I do.
  • It’s dinner night for “the kids” and Grandpa Situation lets us all know that they’ll be cooking some steaks, some chicken and “possibly some pasta.”  Possibly?  Really?  Is that, like, a big decision that still needs to be made?  Are you cooking pasta or not for dinner?  I want to know now.  I don’t want to have to wait all episode until this mystery is finally revealed.
  • Like when Bobby Brady would drop a banana peel on the kitchen floor and minutes later Alice would enter the scene you totally knew that the same outcome would happen when Grandpa Sitch placed the raw chicken in the refrigerator and minutes later Snooki comes home, not being able to see thanks to her glasses, and looking for pickles.  Annnnnnd, cue the raw chicken attacking Snooki when she opens the fridge. The marinade gets all over Snooki.  Good luck cleaning that up and figuring out what is orange sauce and what is orange skin.  I say leave the chicken on the floor and just toss Snooki in the oven at 375º for 45 minutes or until she browns….which is basically already done so I say just eat her.
  • Later Sammi SweatStains goes through Ronnie’s phone book and notices that he has called his ex-girlfriend.  Um, phone book?  Who the hell has an actual phone book?  It’s like it’s 1988.  I guess that explains his oversized t-shirts.  It’s all making sense to me now.  Regardless, Sammi is pissed and, once again, fights with Ronnie and tells him to go F himself and have a good life.
  • Sidenote:  When did this show turn into Big Brother?  There are cameras everywhere.  On the ceiling, in the hallways, behind the mirrors.  Does the cast know this?  Does anyone else, besides, me think of these things?  Moving on.
  • Ronnie fills him ShamWow (not literally….yet) that he had a 1992 MTV Spring Break Three-Way Kiss with some skanks at “da club” and then he “motorboated” the shot girl on stage.  All while he’s saying this JWoww looks like she’s in an absolute state of bliss.  You can almost see cartoon hearts floating around her head and cupid hitting her with an arrow.  She’s in love, you guys, and this is the kind of romantic talk that really gets her going.
  • Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation has to call to order some food to be delivered and leaves his name as “Situation.”  The guy on the other end of the phone doesn’t understand his name and couldn’t care less.  This is what my old literature class called “foreshadowing.”  We’ll talk about this in 3 years if this blog is still alive and kicking.
  • JWoww goes in to take a shower to wash 24 years of filth off her body and we all find out that you can basically see right through the bathroom door and see a foggy, yet naked, ShamWow.  Seriously between the hidden cameras and this see-through bathroom door you know the perv from MTV who set all this up is playing with his razz-a-matazz while watching the unedited footage.
  • ShamWow later spills the beans that Angelina Trash Bags talked crap about Snooki and her boyfriend in the past and this is what sets Snooki off.  She goes to confront Angelina, but not before making sure her crystal sunglasses were on, her tracker hat was securely fastened to her head, and she had her yard-glass that she is, for some reason, drinking out of in the house.
  • Snooki confronts Angelina and Angelina wants to know who she heard this from.  JWoww says that she talked sh*t to her friends and Angelina wants to know their names.  Oh good God this can’t be good.  It’s not.  JWoww does give her friends names which consist of: J420, Joey-Angst and Bill.  Bill?  You know they must like Bill these least because he doesn’t have a name that sounds like an AOL chatroom lurkers screen name.
  • JWoww is ready to fight Angelina, but since she is a lady, she gives Angelina three options which are (1) Stay and get her ass beat.  (2) Stay and get her ass beat. (3) Stay and get her ass beat.  Oh I would go with what’s behind curtain number 3!
  • A Moment That Made Me Laugh:  As the fight is going on, the phone rings and it is, of course, for Angelina.  Snooki answers and when the person asks if Angelina is there Snooki responds with, “No.  She died” and then hangs up the phone.  Good old Snook.  Friend ’til the end.
  • Ronnie is telling Sammi SweatStains that he loves her so much.  They decide to try and work things out.  Seriously, put on another record because this one is broken.  Yawn.  However, during Ronnie’s one-on-one interview he says that it’s kind of weird and that “We’re not Saved By the Bell.  We’re not Zach and Kelly.”  He’s right.  He totally has a point.  They’re not Zach and Kelly.  They’re more like Tori and Slater.  Everyone knows that.  Next.
  • For some reason, the Douche-Bag-Brigade is going to be working at a gelato shop because, well, that’s one stereotype he didn’t touch upon last year.  Honestly they better be wearing plastic gloves while serving this gelato.  Imagine having ShamWow serve you gelato with her bare hands?  Instead of a side of biscotti I hope it comes with a side of tetanus.
  • Ronnie decides to randomly get a tattoo on his walk home because, well, that’s a snap decision kind of thing.  He’s scared and so Sammi holds his hand during the process so that he doesn’t cry and scream like a little girl.  Somehow by Sammi holding his hand Ronnie takes this as a sign that Sammi will always be there for him.  Maybe it’s because all she kept on saying was “I’m always here for you.  Always.”  Seriously he’s getting a tattoo not going in for brain surgery.  Although…it probably wouldn’t hurt.
  • T-Shirt Time!  Sounds fun, what is it?  Oh.  Basically T-Shirt Time consists of wearing either your black or white wife-beater while you’re at the house drinking and then right before you leave for “da club” you put on your “fresh” new T-Shirt.  Ohhh so that’s how it works.  Thank God there was a full explainer.
  • At “da club” it’s Angelina’s turn to get fall down drunk and she doesn’t disappoint.  She’s dancing with girls, falls off the couch, and starts fighting with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta over the engaged/married/huh girl that he’s dancing with/kissing.  So basically Angelina fulfilled all of her contractual obligations.
  • Angelina brings her drunken antics back home and gets extra creepy with Pauly D and Grandpa Situation.  She’s telling them that she loves them, and then she starts crying, and then she tells Pauly D that she wants to marry him one day.  Oh, and then she literally slow motion slaps him in the face.  Also, they all have their sunglasses on in the house.  Did we ever mention that Grandpa Situation’s sunglasses are always crooked and falling down his nose?  Well, they do.
  • In the end Angelina follows them outside until Pauly D screams at her (Ike Turner style) and tells her that no one in the house likes her and now he and Grandpa Sitch don’t like her either.  He forgot to mention America.  America doesn’t care for her either.  I bet Mexico likes her though.  Is Mexico not in America anymore?  Damn I knew I should have paid attention during Social Studies.

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